You Are the Only Exception

So I went to Young Adults tonight. Surprise! Bigger shock: I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Like, for realz.

There were a few key phrases, scriptures and truths that really stuck out to me. I also gave myself a kick in the pants sometimes, in writing, in the third person. So here they are:

Proverbs 18:21. The tongue has the power to give life or to give death.

Proverbs 4:20. Guard your heart above all else.

Leanne, be a leader already! Stop following. I always think positive thoughts I don't say, yet somehow the bad ones always slip out. I like being positive, so why not just do it?

I need to pray that I will become the woman of God He wants me to be and stop only asking that my will be done.

Don't talk about your mountain anymore, talk TO it. Have faith. What is blocking me from my God-given potential? Speak to it.

Examples of speaking truth to the mountains that really struck a chord in me:

• My schedule is not insane or busy, it is full and I am equipped by God to take it on.
• I am not used goods, I am the righteousness of God.
• I will make it out of this, alive in Him.

"When you come to the end of yourself, the only thing left is asking God to move."

That last quote really resounded within me because I said almost those exact words several months ago: "I have abruptly come to the end of myself." I felt like I had nowhere to go.

I don't normally just blog-vomit regurgitated sermon notes, but these ones really hit home.

Confession: I'm scared to commit to a church. I have only been let down. But here...I feel fed. I'm trying to get over the light show and performance to see the heart behind it all. And what I am seeing is good. I'm trying not to walk in fear. Thank You, Jesus!

The Roadtrip Saga: From Silence to Solace (Day 3)

My final morning of roadtripping found me too hot and too early. Knowing this part of the I-5 even with my eyes closed, I had plenty of time to think and really take stock of my current situation. Burnt out, exhausted and emotionally spent I had set out on my journey, yet now only two days later I could feel my spirit lifting. The pain and hurt and disappointment weren’t gone, but the aching emptiness was slowly being picked apart until it became ineffectual.

Nearly two years ago, the August before I began Bible college, I was in the best place I had ever been in spiritually. My faith was rock solid and I knew who I was in Christ. But it wasn’t enough; I had to go deeper. I told God both the scariest and most daring thing possible: I gave Him permission to turn my world upside down, to bring me to a place where He was central...even if it meant breaking me. And He did.

I have come to a place of near indifference. I know it all in my head, but my heart is cold. I take back what I said; He didn’t have to break me because I broke myself. And then life happened and more life and more than any life should ever see. And I have been left with a cold indifference that supposedly saves me from any more pain. But here I am. Core. There is nothing deeper. And I want Him. I want Him so bad somewhere deep down, but I am SO afraid that He’ll just continue to let me break.

And then.

For no reason at all I began singing “How He Loves Us.” I have sung that song possibly one hundred times, and suddenly I was crying uncontrollably and everything was rushing at me from a new perspective.

He is jealous for me!

afflictions eclipsed by Glory

just how beautiful You are! (california mountains at sunset kind of beautiful)

Your affection is for me

He is my prize (at the end of everything, He is what I get. amazing)

there is grace in His eyes, and it draws me to redemption

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets! (regretting takes precious time that I don’t have. seriously, Leanne, get it together!)

Life doesn’t make any more sense and I’m left with more questions than I started with, but I can take it smiling. Smiling! Brilliant.

And then I was almost taken out by a FedEx truck trying to avoid a swerving school bus.

And just outside Portland I saw my first B.C. plate since early day one, on an old blue Dodge truck. It feels like home.

Home felt like a good place to go. Talking to people...maybe not so bad.

I probably didn’t capture it very well, but this trip changed a lot of things for me. I may still be broken, like that piano. But God can still use me for beautiful music; He just needs to tune me. And I’m still in a pretty dark place, but God’s here in it. And the darkness is as light to Him.

That Time in the Movie When the Music Goes Silent, Right Before the Killer Jumps Out

Earlier today, I was a perfectly sane, rational human being who felt somewhat in control. Although frightened at what the future might hold, I was being directed and knew Whom those directions were from. Now, everything is different.

I am antsy beyond belief! It feels like I cannot possibly sit still without exploding. All of my insides are ready to burst, and there is nothing I can do to prevent the fallout. My heart is ready to jump out from inside of me, and drugs are the only possible option. I'm sure if I were on some, then all of this would make some sense.

As it is, there are no drugs and there is no sanity, so I don't know what this is all supposed to mean. Where just a few days ago there was a beautiful inner peace that coincided with the world and brought bliss to all future projections, I now have a peace that is punctuated by a burning yearning to dive into all of this that He has prepared for me.

I am on fire, and every natural life function within me is crying out, trying desperately to convey that this is not enough. The mundane, same-as-it's-always-been mediocrity that once passed as life is not enough! I have so much more to live for, and every second, every heartbeat, every keystroke spent on this couch, in this house, in this state I've always dwelt in is a waste of precious time.

I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep tonight, or what any of this means. How do I put this craving (for lack of a sufficient word) to the back of my mind and let rest prevail? I'm so heartsick for this "more" that I know is out there, and I'm horribly restless for all of this to unfold. I know that tonight, like any other night, is just one in a long series of necessary events to lead me to the "eventually" that I'm awaiting, but that doesn't make 12:01 any easier than 12:00 was or 11:59 or 4:27.

Tomorrow means decisions and promises (broken and new) and ideas and dreams and everything I'm too scared to deal with. It also means decisions and promises and ideas and dreams and everything I'm so excited to delve into that tomorrow will probably never come. I say a lot how I never thought I'd live to be this old; not that I thought I'd die prematurely, just that I never thought 20 would ever come. Mirrored perfectly is my feeling that tomorrow could never possibly come because I don't know how I could ever possibly live until the morning of the 17th of May without imploding. Every second that ticks by on a clock unheard means one more second that doesn't make sense because how can tomorrow come if I don't know how to face it?

Plain and simple: I'm antsy. I don't know what to do with my hands except type because I'll probably end up ripping something apart with my subconscious. I want everything to be decided, but I'm so frightened of what this will all look like in the end. I have absolute faith in tomorrow, and that's probably what scares me the most. I've never been so absolute about anything in my life, and if that fails...well then what does that say about me?