You Are Good to Me, Oh My Lord

This is my new baby! After nearly four months of carlessness (poor Cameron, RIP my love) I am once again the owner of something with wheels. And best of all, it didn't cost $1,750 (which both of my last two did). Hallelujah! Every need, He provides.

So I just stopped in to drop off a praise report. Life is falling together and I'm shocked but totally jazzed.

All in All

Now, with 2.633 hours of perspective, I feel that I am better able to do 2010 justice. Yes, there was a lot of school. A lot. But there was also so much more.

Much of it is in the dark (which led to such a mundane list yesterday), but the things that shine through are worth noting.

I ate a lot of instant noodles, be it in the form of soup, KD, or chow mien.

I lived in another basement, with very different people from last time. It held some of the best times, but I wouldn't go back.

I went on two roadtrips. One ended prematurely in Jasper, leaving us stranded and cold and hungry and alive. The other brought me through five states and five thousand kilometers in three days, and left me crying and praying and breathing again.

I checked, there were two car accidents this year. January and November. After January and the two roadtrips this year and one last year, November finally did in Cameron. Poor Cameron.

I had my heart broken enough to need several transplant surgeries, and then I broke my own.

I had front row seats to the demise of my personal civilization; everything I worked for, gone.

I have had the most wonderful year of seeing the most wonderful man. Please don't read too much into that.

I watched six seasons of Gilmore Girls (fourth time through) in less than two months, and watched countless other series from my bed, the smoker's couch, my creaky chair and my good chair. Oh the days.

I went to Toronto and made it back alive, despite many desperate phone calls, skype dates and tearful outbursts, which, at the time, suggested I would not be so lucky.

I fell in love with God again. Even without feeling Him. Then I lost it again. I am going to get it back again.

Heh. Right. I also survived. It is 2011 and I am still here.

I'm Holding Every Breath for You

Reading my last post makes me ridiculous sad. I should have known that the tranquility never lasts longer than a single blog post, at least not in my world. I felt like I was making progress; not necessarily progress as others would measure progress, but progress by my standards. I have been getting to a place of smiling at my own thoughts again.

Yesterday was a rocking day. And by rocking I mean earth-shaking in the worst way. Now I am left with a perpetual prognosis, a car that is more than just a possible liability (Cameron's death is imminent, to my despair; to his credit he really did try so hard), and a sense that stability has left the building. I laugh ridiculously loud at the things that are not funny according to anyone else; I threaten violence and almost go through with it, not because I want to hurt someone but because maybe it will make me feel something real; I cannot grasp conversations, even mid-sentence (mine). I am once again a walking time bomb.

I WANT TO BE BETTER! I want this to be over. This season is killing me, slowly but surely. One step forward, two steps back; one step forward, which gives me a desperate hope that this will not be me forever, and two steps back beyond the last worst-it-can-get until I become this cynical hope-less shell of a person who does not dare to dream it will ever end. I have taken one back. The snow came: step forward. A day of horribleness to its utmost came: step back. I cannot afford to take another one or I do not want to imagine who I will be. Knowing me, it could be as bad as the dark days if I do not keep proper perspective.

It's 1:22A.M. and I am alone, in the dark (of a finally, miraculously warm room), crying dry tears because this cannot be real. I have been fooling myself to think that I was moving out of the desert or that Freedom Session has been a step in the right direction or that I could maybe possibly sometime in the near future hopefully get off these ---- or that a man might ever want me as I am.

Ah, the inevitable sidenote. I am not looking. I am far from looking for a man. But that does not help me from seeing. What I see hurts...a lot. I see something, or at least a glimpse of a something, and - for the briefest of moments that somehow spans an eternity of a day - I have hope. *DASH* Oh, don't mind me, that was just my hopes being DASHed on the rocks...does that mean I am Israel in this situation or the baby? It is amazing to me that after all this time I still believe someone will want me the way I am. I am used to guys wanting me because they find me exciting and whatever else, and then suddenly realizing that behind the excitement is a girl who desperately wants to be loved...and that is apparently too much to handle. Today alone I saw two examples. Is it so crazy to think that there is a man out there who might see all that I am and still want me with those things? Yes. Yes, it is. THIS ^^^ is too much. And I am not enough to make up the difference.

It's 1:29A.M. and I am still here. It's 1:30A.M. and I am waking up in five hours. How do I put this into words for the person who needs to know? I don't know how.

I'm floundering.

The Roadtrip Saga: An Experience in Silence (Day 1)

On Tuesday, June 22^nd I embarked on a solo roadtrip through the land of America. Three days, five States, and four thousand kilometres of thoughts and journaling and just...being.

I have wanted to do something like this for years, head out on the open road with no need or reason to ever go back, but I have never needed it the way I needed to escape this time. Years of repressing my wants and smiling away my desires to pacify others’ finally broke me; my wants suddenly became needs and I had to escape. I had tons of ideas for where to go and what my trip would look like, but eventually I decided to go as basic as possible. Armed with a cooler, GPS named Jamie, and the bare essentials, I set out at 8 A.M. with Cameron’s bumper pointed South.

I’ve driven the I-5 dozens of times, but as soon as I was turned East, I could feel my entire body relax and my mind start to unwind. It’s been a tough year, and with each new situation things have only become tougher. My life and all its happenings have compounded into a mass that just weighs on my shoulders. Lately, new hurts have only made me harder and harder, and I had finally hardened myself against hurt to the point where I was shutting everyone out, including God.

Yet, suddenly, I found myself in the middle of Him. Within the space of about two hours I drove through forest, amazing mountains, rolling desert and wine country. With no radio and nothing to distract myself with other than my own thoughts, I couldn’t fight Him off for long. I couldn’t help exclaiming at His works and the beauty He had brought about out of nothing. Incredible.

Being completely in love with God, needing to share Him, being passionate for Him in all situations...that’s what it’s all about. It comes out as “exclamations of the soul.”

I still didn’t really talk to God about anything, just marvelled at His creations and did a lot of thinking. A big part of my frustration lately is that I can barely recollect most of what has happened in the last year or so, and so I decided to make sure I do not repeat history by making a list of must-dos for the year to come.

10 things I have to make happen before my next birthday.

1. Learn how to make fried chicken.
2. Finish writing a novel (I always start and get sick of it and quit. No matter how bad it is, I just need to finish it!).
3. Read the first quarter of my book list (I recently made a list of 100 books I have to read before any others, besides school ones of course).
4. Visit at least 10 States / Provinces I’ve never been to before.
5. Plant and grow spices at home.
6. Learn to knit with Grandma.
7. Give blood and sign up as an organ donor.
8. Swim in a lake, an ocean, and a river.
9. Memorize the book of Romans completely.
10. Watch all the movies I own.

As I was writing, however, I kept coming up with things that I absolutely could not let myself do, and so I decided to make a list of those as well. Oh, and yes I was driving and writing at the same time.

10 things I won’t do!

1. Get pregnant from a sperm donor (I know this sounds ridiculous and obvious, but it has been suggested to me several times by several different people. I will not give in to the peer pressure!).
2. Gain more than 10 pounds (I’m currently trying to gain weight, but I also don’t want to over-do it).
3. Bungee jump until my back is actually better.
4. Get my Class 1 License (it’s for driving semis), no matter how much I want it.
5. Settle.
6. Move back in with my parents.
7. Make excuses for not taking a Sabbath.
8. Slack on my homework. I want to learn this year!
9. Begrudge happy couples.
10. Complain that I’m single (hold me to it!); God has a plan and I’ve decided to trust.

As I drove, I passed a sign that said: “45^th Parallel: half way between the Equator and the North Pole.” Brilliant! And then another sign announcing that I was only 27 miles outside of Bliss.

I am currently 27 miles from Bliss.

And it gave me hope. Bliss is out there, even if it’s still too far to see.

I was also thinking a lot about relationships, and something someone told me awhile ago: that any two Christians could get married and make it work.

As Christians we can make it work with anyone, but I don’t think we should have to. We work at it, but it’s God who makes it work. We need to consider our passions, gifts, desires and callings...not just if we have similar taste in music and ethnic food and competitive beach volleyball.

After fifteen and a half hours, I reached my destination: Blackfoot, Idaho. I got comfy on my backseat in the Wal-Mart parking lot and had one of the best sleeps ever (that was not in my own bed). Brilliant!

Nouveau!

Ah...a new year. And what a year it has been so far. All new, everything new.

A new place to rest my head, also known as the top bunk. I've nearly fallen off twice (definitely would've squished Steph's head), and the first few nights I was waking up every few minutes to make sure I wasn't too close to the edge. But thankfully I've adjusted now and shouldn't pull an Emily.

A new coffee pot that sits in the middle of our floor and gets left on every day until I come back from lunch to the smell of burned coffee.

A new man on campus. He's Stephanie's, which also means a new schedule. She's not around as much anymore, but it's really okay. As much as I bug her about him, they're actually incredibly sweet together...just don't tell her that. I need to give her a little bit of a hard time or it will seem like everything happened too easily and they might not make it, which would be devastating. As I currently have no love life whatsoever, I sort of live vicariously through her...in a sort of removed way. Needless to say, they are the love story of the century and I really hope they make it.

A new car. Yes, Leanne is FINALLY, after nearly 3.53 months of waiting, the owner of a brand new '91 Camry. His name is Cameron, he's light blue, and the picture at the top of this blog is his second cousin twice removed (I haven't taken any pictures with him yet). We're still working out the clutch (it's a lot different from Trevor's), and I think his heart hurts a little that I've already had two previous vehicles. But we'll work through the baggage and I'll definitely be updating my blog about our many adventures.

Many new classes. I probably overwhelmed myself with too many, but I love it. As much as I complain, there is nothing I love more than having too much to do. My time completely filled and accounted for is the best! Especially when I have to schedule in alone time and God time. It makes it feel that much more special in both cases.

So as I begin this new year, I'm thankful for a lot of things, as follows:

1. I'm single. Hallelujah! I realize that this majorly clashes with many of my previous blogs, but to be quite honest I am just not in a place right now where a relationship would be a good thing. And hey, who knows, God might just dump him at my doorstep tomorrow and make me be ready, but for now I'm content with exactly who and where I am...with Him.

2. My clothes hamper. Before, I kept all my dirty clothes in the top drawer of my dresser, and then allowed them to spill just about everywhere else. But for Christmas my Auntie Tammy got me the most massive clothes hamper of life! It's three feet tall, has a shoulder strap and wheels, and can hold more than 30 pounds of clothes (I'd know). It keep the room so much tidier and I love it.

3. Cameron. Once again. Because he gets me places and I can now go into Vancouver all the time, which I've missed dreadfully. I miss all those kids so much, and I miss the person I am when I'm out there.

I know there's so much more I'm thankful for, but right now it just feels so good to be able to bask in the goodness of being back at school and being loved on by so many people and by the greatest guy I know...Jesus. Who needs anyone else when I have Him?