As Always

Of course He answered! And, as always, it was not in the way I expected. I was trying desperately to focus on just praying while I got done what I needed to do yesterday, but I kept getting sidetracked. Thankfully though, my humanity is nothing compared to God's faithfulness.

I was going through old birthday cards, trying to decide if any of them meant enough to keep, and I found one from my grandparents. It doesn't matter what it said, the important part is that I read it and knew. Without a doubt.

I am going back to school. I am finishing this year, finishing well, and getting out. And when the hard times come and I get overwhelmed and I wish with all my life that I hadn't, I will come back here, read these words, and know that I was being obedient.

The key to obedience in the wilderness is being faithful to what you knew before you entered. That's what I'm doing. And when I see glimpses of sunshine through the dense trees, I adjust my path accordingly and keep on trekking.

Accepted and Worthy Is Our New Name

So, today is the day. At exactly 1:41 AM, I will transform from being a boring, run of the mill, poop on a stick 22-year-old into a marvelous, fascinating, completely transformed 23-year-old! Brilliant! And the intermittent pictures? On the eve of such an occasion, I think it highly appropriate to document the many faces of Leanne in the face of facing said occasion.

I don't think I was a big fan of 22. Negative perspective (it's always best to start here and end on a sweet note):

• I was a heart and soul prisoner of the institution, of The Man.
• I had a lot of bad dreams, a lot of which came true.
• I made mistakes.
• I gained weight in bad places.
• I had the worst internship of my life and took the worst road possible to build character.
• I cried. A lot.

But the positive perspective! (it's always so comforting going through the negatives and almost always thinking of positives anyways):

• I had my incredible, life-changing roadtrip with God!
• I finally got to go on tour and see the whole amazing country! And who could forget the people?! Wow!
• I built a LOT of character!
• I made some new amazing friends!
• I overcame a lot of difficult things and came to a new level of understanding myself, others and God!
• I found a man who treats me right!
• I learned to laugh again with true appreciation of life!

So, in summation, it was a year, which I was apparently more pleased with than I first thought upon initial recall. Good thing I made lists. Tomorrow my family will celebrate 23 years of life since I landed, and Saturday my friends will celebrate surviving thus far and the potential for life yet to be lived. I don't know how else to say it, or if it will even get across what I want to say at all, but here goes: yesterday helped to shape me into who I am, and the day before that and the year before that; the good, the bad and the ugly. Yesterday does not hold me, however; I am no longer defined by who I was yesterday or any second preceding that. Christ in me is who I am now, and who I will grow into. He holds every one of my yesterdays and all my tomorrows. And today, this day that recognizes my birth, is nothing more than a tribute to one more year that He has plans for me. I hope to live this next year in such a way that brings more honor to Him than to myself.

"Make It Chocolate! With the Lemon Stuff on Top, and then the Meringue! You'll Be Famous and I'll Be Happy!"

In less than 24 hours, I will stop being 21. I will take a breath, blink, and it will be over. A full year of without.

Tonight I came home and the entire sky was brilliant pink, and as I walked and stared at it, my candy necklace got stuck on my diamond earrings. I came back for pizza and Pepsi. I had to have blood drawn today. My bathroom smells like pink grapefruit. I also finished Wuthering Heights; it was a gift for my last birthday. This is a typical day in the life of me. By typical I don't mean that I always eat candy necklaces or give blood to find out if I have a properly functioning liver; a typical day means that it's a string of unlinked, unimportant events that I'll barely recall tomorrow.

My favourite saying is always "I don't want to be here by this time next year." It's my birthday again. It's a year. Again. Every time I turn around it has been a year since something, and things are still the same.

Less than a day left of this crappy year, and then it's like I have a new start. I get to start all over at 1:41am. I have to believe that maybe 22 will be beautiful, that it can dull sharp edges and bring out some good in me, in the wake of the storm of 21.

No One Runs Out of Gas in the A.M. like I Do

No one runs out of gas like I do. Maybe it's for the thrill, or maybe for the adrenaline. Perhaps I just don't like getting out of my car once I'm in it. The empty light comes on at a quarter. Passengers get nervous at the empty line. I feel exhilarated once I can see the slightest gap between the gauge doohickey and the empty line. Any minute, I tell myself. Any minute now my heart will start beating. No one runs out of gas like I do.

No one goes to the emergency room like I do. Tonight was Roommate Melissa's birthday. I got to light the candles. Halfway through, the lighter went out. I tried lighting it. Ow. Tried lighting it again. Oooh that kind of hurts. Tried lighting it again, holding my thumb to the searing hot metal. This is probably hurting me, I should stop. I used other candles to finish instead. The pain and the blisters and the water-under-tap-til-no-sensation-left started a few minutes later. Hospital. Alone. Nothing they can do. Ah! But it is Percocet! Percocet my old friend! It's no longer a choice between drinking or driving because you take both away from me. You know it's bad when the triage lady recognizes me. And when I start talking to the drugs. No one goes to the emergency room like I do.

No one enjoys the small things like I do. My brother graduated today. I attended his valedictory ceremony. Giggling. Girls with no idea how to walk in heels. Teachers with no idea how to speak. French that wasn't saying what I thought it was saying. Anecdotes and quotes I've heard a thousand times. Woman beside me watching her son cross the stage on her video camera, over and over again. Smiling at people I graduated with who were there for the same reason. 17 year olds smiling at me. My brother looking like he'd fallen asleep in his chair on stage, when really he just had his head sown so he could swing the dangly hat thingy in circles. A girl in an absolutely see-through dress posing with family members. A boy who wants to be an astronaut and a girl who didn't need to say she already plans to sell herself. No one enjoys the small things like I do.

20/20

Today is my last day of being twenty. Amazing. This year has gone by both unbelievably fast and painfully slow. At the end of every birthday year, I come to the same question: how do I define the experiences of the past 365.25 days? How do I confine them within one paragraph, one sentence, one word? An entire chapter of my life is over, the page is in the process of turning, and I have no bookmark strong enough to hold a previous page for long.

I have unsuccessfully, in the past, tried to create a breakdown of events, thoughts, hopes and fears that would be capable of encompassing an entire year. I can define a year according to guys, friends, semesters, holidays, major events and terrible heartaches. It usually comes down to guys, despite my greatest efforts. When I think back to high school, that's how terms of my life were divided.

Every year means something different. Each one symbolizes something within me breaking free or coming undone or finally focusing. This was the year to realize that I am not broken. All the now distant memories of hurts in my past did not break me beyond repair. I am still capable of love...and of pain. I thought I was immune to both, strong enough to withstand the intoxication of both; I was terribly wrong.

Regret has never suited me. Being clothed by forlorn backward glances is both pathetic and a waste of time, in my opinion. I have spent enough of my life driving using only cruise control and the rear-view mirror. The girl with such silly fantasies and romantic dreams is gone. In her place is someone who acknowledges the ground she stands on as she encounters it, can learn from the past without dwelling on it, and has bigger dreams for the future than her heart can hold.

Clarity has come to me in my old age with a vengeance. I can see my mistakes for what they are and accept that these are things I cannot change. I can see what I want in my future and what I will not accept, based on the things I have learned. This probably sounds very technical and far removed, but it's not; this is as close as I can let anything get to me, because I have learned that I don't want to harden my heart, but I don't want to be crushed by the immense weight of hurt either.

Today is a day for seeing things as they really are. Normally I write this tribute to the last year in a private journal, but today is not a day for privacy. As naked dancing would probably not be appropriate, I'll stick with this blog. Another normally: normally I wouldn't take the time to explain the title of a blog (I love that it would take someone who really knows me to figure it out), but I want to. 20/20 vision is perfect. I found out recently that with my contacts, my vision is actually 20/15. It seems that in my old age, I really am seeing more clearly. Of course there is also the play on words (20/20, as in the age I am, har har), but I'm more focused on the seeing clearly part (focused, seeing; I'm on a roll today). Here's my thought: if the more I see equals the more I learn, then the older I get the better I will be at seeing things for what they really are. I want to see things as they really are.

So here it is, a tribute to the twentieth year of my existence on this planet. Does it do it justice? Not really. I have loved and lost and hurt and felt and experienced as much as I could cram into one year, and this one simple blog entry could never be enough to say how I really feel about it. But once again, tomorrow is a new day and I will be off on another exciting chapter of life, always more thrilling than the last.