I'll Drive All the Way to California

Millions of thoughts running through my head. Here's a brief summation:

• I want a new car. Desperately. I need to drive and drive and drive. When I leave driving too long, it drives me up the wall and I forget that I know how and I become paranoid and begin to doubt my skills. Which I obviously have. I don't just want to drive anywhere, I want to go somewhere hot and somewhat exotic and far away. It's becoming a need. I need a new car so I can do these things.
• I miss California. I did not want to go for reading break, but now I miss it. I drove down twice in '06, and once in '09 and '10 respectively. I miss it. I miss the smell and the ocean and the stretch of the I5 between kill-me-now-nowhere, California, and Los Angeles. I miss the winding highway between kill-me-now-hotness, Nevada, and TGI-In-n-Out-Burger in Redding. I miss shorts and a bikini at 90 mph.
• I am burning to do something significant with my life. For God. Now. Yet here I sit in school, unable to emerge until I have my degree, and I feel trapped. I want the knowledge, I love to learn; more than that, I want to make a dent. I have done too little for too long. I feel useless.
• Seven. Final offer.
• I would like to start doing one thrilling thing a week. If I do, life will have landmarks and I may just smile more. I love smiling, and I love being thrilled out of my mind. This is a must.
• I despise intensives and everything they stand for and pretend to accomplish. Especially week-long-ers. Especially weekend-ers. Especially ones with books and work and teachers and people.
• I love Hebrew. Love, love, love. Fluency will eventually become me nicely.
• I am torn about a huge issue in my life. If I continue in the way I am headed, potential disaster. If I quit now, will I ever let go and just do what I want? The big question: do I keep the 4" orange heels or return them and get something wonderful but not as exciting? I only have days left to decide. What do I do?!!?!
• My hair is getting longer. I miss my short hair suddenly (thus my completely unflattering but totally nostalgic fb profile picture), but if I cut it now I will hurt myself. Ugh. I just want it uber long or right back to short. NO! It will be long. The end.
• Waffles with strawberries would make my life right now.

Basically, I think too much. That is all

.

Half Way! Half the Freaking Way!

I will never look as good as I did at seventeen...or so they say. I will also never be as carefree, as happy, as popular, or as lovely. Every day I get further and further past my prime. Or so they say.

If high school was really the best it will ever get, then I am in for some seriously crappy stuff. When I think of the insecurities and the masks that defined me then, it scares me to think of how unhappy I really was. Life looked perfect because I orchestrated it just so; on the inside I was dying. That cannot be the best there ever was or ever will be.

Today marks half way. Who thought. I did not.

Until this point, the greatest half way of my life was the first 40 day fast I ever did. Half way meant glorious peace and a humongous sense of accomplishment. This half way mark is slightly more than 40 days, however. 231. Today is 116. I did not think I would make it this far.

Tomorrow begins the downhill stroll to the finish line. I may "stroll" in the fetal position in a rolling manner, but stroll I will.

I will never be as relieved as I am today. Or so they say.