Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come for You?

5 - Swimming lesson instructor.

6 - Teacher.

9 - Famous singer.

10 - Missionary.

12 - Writer.

15 - Married to a billionaire.

17 - Actress.

18 - Mother.

19 - Youth pastor.

21 - Pastor.

23 - Travelling poet through Japan, conquering skyscrapers and scary hairstyles with my devastatingly touching iambic pentameter.

At each age, these were my highest aspirations. Some are still with me (hello, famous singing career, here I come), and some are long dead. I never wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or astronaut or princess, because it was never about the money (except marrying rich, of course); it was about living out what I was passionate about.

So. Self-analysis time. What am I most passionate about at this moment?

...Reading my Bible, making delicious food, making anything really, going on adventures.

Okay. Now why am I doing anything else?

Obvious answer: it's all part of the plan. Finish school, do what's required, I'll thank myself later. And realistically, I'll be done in just over 5 months. That's all. But until then...I'm dragging myself through the mud.

I want a better attitude! I really do. And there are parts about school I absolutely love to bits. But there's the parts that literally take the things I used to love and twist them into ugly representations of lovely things. Too hardcore? Fine. The joy for learning is gone when I'm over-worked and under-prepared and hungover (JOKES) and, in some cases, have already learned exactly the same thing in five other courses (this happens more often than you'd think). And other things still hurt. I think I've mostly forgiven the painful bits from over the last whiles, but it doesn't make the hurt any less legitimate. Sometimes I forget how badly it still affects my heart, and then a reminder stuffs itself into my face and I cannot breathe all over again.

Sidenote: What do you do when you know something that literally no one else on the planet knows except the person whose secret it is to tell, and this information could destroy everything for someone else? What do you do when there is no "sworn to secrecy," but instead a mutual silence? What do you do when you know you should do the right thing, but in the end no one will thank you for it?

End sidenote.

I am fighting through this, but I'd rather enjoy the ride. What's the worst that happens? I don't get A+'s across the board? Unlikely at this point, anyways. I don't graduate with highest honours? ...I'm guessing that I'm the only person who cares if I do that or not. The school I want won't accept me because my grades blow chunks? I take the road set out for me instead of the one that was obviously of me.

I am officially letting go of perfection and instead striving to enjoy this at least a little bit more than I have been. Hello, folks! It's celebration time. Freedom is nearly here. It's taste is strongly overpowering my leftover coffee and midnight cigarette (JOKES...about the coffee. JOKES! Gosh).

But I Couldn't Stay Away

I know it's time to blog when I'm sitting here, staring at a wall and trying to decide what to do, but knowing on a deeper level I'm staring at my life trying to decide what to do.

So, umm, here's a smudging of my life right now, completely random and superb.

There is this one part of me that is happier than I have been in a very long time. There is someone in this world who loves me, really and truly, even though he doesn't have to. I can drink coffee again. I feel like, more than ever, I am moving into a place with God that is beginning to look like what it should look like in the end. I am looking to the future and not seeing darkness or endless sand.

There is this one part of me that is more confused than I have been in a very long time. What to do next year is high on the list of question marks, as are the questions of if I should go to Grenada, where I am going to get a steady income from once all my money pays off student loans (hooray, though, for graduating debt-free!), and the ever-nagging "is what I'm doing now leading to where I want to go?"

I like lists. It's because this one part of me likes to be super organized, while the rest of me likes to let things lie in ruin under the guise of organized chaos. So here are a few lists that came to mind and make me feel like my life is in slightly better order than when I started:

10 Things I Love About Myself (it's always best to start there):

1. My sense of adventure and ridiculous spontaneity. It has led me on some of the most amazing adventures and I never want to stop being that way, no matter how old I get.
2. My love of cooking and baking. Not only will it always come in handy for the rest of my life, I'm so glad it's not something that's a chore.
3. The colour of my eyes.
4. My ability to memorize. If I could have 5 books of the Bible memorized by the time I die (which I think is completely attainable, btw), that would be amazing.
5. The way I act like a complete child. Sometimes, yes, it's definitely more on the tantrum side than the cute, but I love that I still like swings and sunsets and looking out airplane windows and wearing costumes and making inanimate objects talk.
6. My love of knowledge and truth and justice. To me, those are God-given qualities and I hate when people put them down.
7. My passion for life. I also hate when people put that down. It equates to putting down the essence of my being, and that I cannot stand for.
8. My 10 second attention span for things that ultimately don't matter, and my decades-and-counting attention span for things that matter ultimately.
9. That I have a past. It's not pretty; actually, it's pretty damn disgusting. But it has turned into a beautiful reminder of how good my God is.
10. That I look pretty when I cry (except when it gets to sobbing, then I'm done for). It sounds silly, but my lips get all red and I look in the mirror and say to myself: "well, at least I look pretty when my world falls apart." Then I wipe my tears and it doesn't look like I was crying at all, except for some leftover, natural lipstick.

10 Things I Dislike About Myself:

1. The way I hold onto the things in my life that are dead and buried. Someone or something has moved on beyond me, and yet I can't help but to humiliatingly hold on until I feel satisfactorily debased and finally let go with a silly and heavy heart.
2. My insensitivity. It's been getting better in the last year or two, as I've actually been developing a feel for empathy, yet I still tear people down. I hate it.
3. That I am so critical. Lately, I've realized that, especially when it comes to church issues, my ego blows up and I believe I am the smartest in the world about everything ever. Wrong.
4. How many people I have let slip out of my life over the last few years. Consciously. I knew it was happening and I let them go. Part of it was that I didn't have any fight left in me, but part of it was just laziness. I'm sorry.
5. My inability to follow through on all my promises to God. I hate it. I need to face them and to do them. It's so much easier to ignore them, but I know that some day He will look me in the eye and ask why I didn't do what I promised of my own volition. Silly, stupid me.
6. My propensity to sin in ways that hurt others. Unfortunately, I do not tend towards inward sins that don't do much damage except to me; I tend towards those that hurt others deeply and take a good deal of time and energy and humility to mend, if they're fixable at all.
7. My propensity to sin craftily. I don't usually sin in ways that are directly laid out in the Bible. I like to do things, instead, that I know I am not supposed to do. Or I sin by omission. Or I do things that ride the line so I can pretend I'm on the good side when, the truth is, my heart is usually on the bad side of the line.
8. My lack of style sense. Every once in awhile I have a glimmer of something, and then it's gone. I'm one of those people who wears red with pink and brown with black and socks with flats and the wrong kind of jewelry and shirts with big holes.
9. That I have a severely negative heart-attitude towards my body. 1000 compliments are always cancelled out by one bad comment, even if it's only my own. I regularly only see the bad, and that bothers me.
10. I tend to not appreciate what I have. I am definitely actively trying to change that, but it's a struggle. I could use a good douse of the third world, I think.

Things I Don't Do Anymore that I Used to Love:

• Draw.
• Paint.
• Write.
• Read books for fun.
• Lay in the grass.
• Drive somewhere special just to watch a sunset.
• Listen to music simply because the moment demands a soundtrack.
• Go barefoot.
• Create things.
• Put on fun make-up.
• Eat gross things that make me feel gross but taste so darn good.
• Drive just to drive.

Things I Want to Accomplish in the Next 5 Years:

• I want my Master's. I want to be educated by people I trust surrounded by people who really care about what they're learning. That's not to say that my current situation is the opposite, not by any means. All I'm saying is that I'm thirsting for more knowledge, and I want to do it right.
• I want to have Romans completely memorized. Right now I'm at 4:16, and if I stay on course I'll be to the end of 5 by the end of the semester.
• I want to be married. It's not really something to accomplish, per se, and if it doesn't happen by then I will really be okay. Really. But to say that I want to get married between 23 and 28 doesn't sound like a huge request.
• I think I'd like to go on a fairly long-term missions trip. That's never been on the list before, but now it is. There's been a burning in my heart lately and I think this is where the flame is leading me.
• I want to be depression-free. Wow, I think this is the first time I've actually come out and said the "d" word on here. But there it is. I want it good and gone, never to return. I am not putting a time limit on it, but it is definitely a huge desire of my heart. Sitting around in a pile of my own mess and tears is not for me anymore.

I am at a crossroads. Again. I am starting to get the feeling that these are going to come up often in my life. I look around and like too many options, it seems. Thankfully, though, God has spent so much time refining my desires and priorities over the years that it is becoming easier to see which way the street sign is pointing. I feel confident about the future. That is such a good feeling.

And by the way, I love someone in this world too, and not because I need to. This gives me deep joy.

If This Ain't Love, then How do We Get Out?

This has been a contemplative break: lots to think about and decisions that are somehow necessary but not imminent. If you know me at all, however, you know that I unnecessarily make the give-it-time's imminent. For joy? For something that wouldn't be pretty coming out of my mouth.

I am about to go watch Notting Hill for the second time in a month, and I am thrilled to no end. Why? Well...wouldn't it be nice? Take a stroll, have a man dump orange juice all over my shirt, offer me his house and his shirt and his shower and his life, and never look back.

So far, 2011 is better. I will be real, though. It will probably not remain here in the realm of "okay," as I typically flit from high to djfhcjvxbnbr in .0463 seconds with no warning except for accelerated heart rate (and as I do not continuously hold my index and middle finger to my throat, it is not always immediately apparent). 2011 sits better with me, too. I have a weird thing with numbers. I never liked 2010. Ugh. Even to see it written there is bizarre. What a strange combination of numerals. 2011. Ah. Much better.

I just want to save you while there's still something left to save. Woah, oh oh oh. Oh oh oh, oh.

AH HA!

For the first time in a long time, I come before you with nothing preconceived to write about. Usually I try to empty my brain and whatever is left is what forms words. But there's nothing now except this extraordinary peace that I still can't quite put my finger on. I would be lying to say that I don't have cold feet about everything that God is changing in my life, but I'm too excited to let that steal my joy.

I went out for coffee with a friend tonight, and every time we get together, I can't describe the thoughts that surface and the emotions that rage beneath the surface. Not in some romantic, lustful way - gosh no. Hehe, as if. I just...he makes me wonder about a lot of things, in a good way. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but the point is that I wish he could see the truth as clearly as I can.

Today I made the big bucks. Tips: $2 for 4.5 hours of work. Don't worry though, I won't spend it all in one place.

I love Casting Crowns. Every time I think I'm over them, I realize the significance of their words all over again. They're all I've listened to lately, and it makes me feel glorious.

I hate taking the easy way out of things. If two paths are before me, I almost always opt for the harder one. That isn't to say that I don't know when to quit (I have a disgustingly resilient survival complex), but I don't want to look back and know that I always just did what came easiest. I want to do amazing things with my life! And now that I look back on my human planning skills, I know those plans weren't big enough. God has so much more for me!!

I ate a crepe today, and I'm already over them. Now I need to spend the entire summer saturating myself in the smell without any desire to indulge. Perfect. Now I'll be fighting back a gagging fit as well as trying desperately to control my temper so I don't scream at every customer who doesn't tip me. I just want to afford to put gas in my car, is that too much to ask?!

So, in case you didn't notice, these are all the nothings floating around in my head right now. Not to say that they're literally worth nothing, just that without their sum total they are meaningless.

I can't wait to finally watch the pieces start to move together. I've waited so long. And here's the truth. All these things are just the surface. The true heart that's beating underneath is crying out to speak...but I can't. Not yet. This is too much to hold in :)

Joy, Baby, Joy!

This one is free for anyone to read, because I am so unbelievably happy. I have been praying for peace above all else, a peace that passes understanding, and that is exactly what He has given me! I don't know if you can feel the enthusiasm oozing out of me, but I'm telling you that just being in my presence right now would probably make you giddy. I am over the moon in love with Him, and the things He is showing me are blowing me away.

He has given me new reason to live; rearranged my thinking and removed my premisconceptions. Rather than just believing something because I want to and I think it lines up with His will for me, now I KNOW.

You read me right, I KNOW. And it is the most wonderful feeling in the entire world. No doubt, no indecision, no areas that are lacking in peace. He has given me the most unspeakable joy. I could go on, but nothing could do this justice. I finally love Him the way I'm supposed to, and it feels SO good.