In the End, It all Comes down to...Numbers?

As I've probably mentioned in previous blogs, I used to have serious anger issues in high school. I literally could not control my rage at times. It's taken a huge softening of my heart to get me to here, a place where I might get frustrated or hurt or passionate about disrespect to another, but it takes a heck of a lot to get me angry...especially on my own behalf.

Today, I found myself angry. Still hurt, still questioning why God brought me here...and, finally, angry. It has slowly been washed away throughout the day, but I was amazed both to find myself that angry and that it took so long to become so. There are certain things I will not stand for, that my heart and integrity will not let pass before me without inflicting (what I hope is) righteous anger.

But. Still. I'm asking God to take it away. I will not leave here bitter; I will not leave here angry. That is not who I am, and that is certainly not who He has called me to be.

Only 62 hours to go.

Only 62 hours to go.

Only 61 hours to go.

I'm all Out of Love, What Am I without You?

I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm trapped.

If I go home: disobedience, failure.

If I stay: I fall apart.

I'm being left without a buffer.

Left without a confidante.

Left with more responsibility and less help.

I was right.

Today was a war zone.

It's not supposed to be, but that is what it has become.

And tonight...tonight I need to work through all of, of THIS, so that tomorrow I can smile and say the things I need to say and put on a brave face that says yesicanfacethisgivemeanychallengeandi'llrisetoit even though my Self keeps crying out to me youneedtoslowitdowntakeabreathsitdownforasecondandtakecareofyourselforyouwon'tmakeit.

I want want want so badly to go home.