If I Just Lay Here

Word of the Day: Contemplative

con·tem·plat·ive

[kon-tuhm-pley-tiv

given to consider thoroughly; characterized by thinking fully or deeply about

It seems to me that all I have been today is contemplative. It is a day that would be best suited to laying in the grass in the sunshine for hours, or painting a poem, or swimming in a river with all my clothes on. Instead of doing those things, I have simply gone through the day and allowed thoughts to wash over and through me.

It has been a long two years. Now I find myself at a new place in the desert. I think that it would be quite impossible to ever wander the same part again; it is too ingrained in me that those ways only lead to death. I know them far too well to ever get lost on those paths again. The trouble is that I don't yet know where the new paths lead. This latest one has items of interest along the path, but not much to entertain. But! Did you notice? There's a path.

In plain English: I'm still in the same place I was two years ago, but I'm in such a vastly different place it can hardly be called the same. I'm still in Canada, but it would be foolish to think that northern Quebec and southern Alberta are in any way the same. And I don't know where to go to just get out of Canada already.

Other thoughts:

I would like a house that is always full of flowers.

Secretly, I wish I had almost no possessions.

Even more secretly, I wish I had too many to know what to do with...so I could get fed up and have none.

Cooking makes me happy.

Painting makes me smile for long periods of time. And I know it's genuine because no one else is watching.

I secretly think there are some things I'm really good at, but I'm afraid that if I say them aloud then my "powers" will be taken away.

I don't know if I like music anymore.

I have only spent two full days this summer doing what I want to do.

I am afraid that my new unfear of being alone will lead to me waking up twenty years from now, all alone, and with no way to fix it anymore.

Tacos are delicious.

I want everything to be full of flowers.