Everything is Not as It's Sold

I am tired of being told who I am by people who "know" me from rumors and observing the tiniest glimpses of my life. I am not the person they say I am. I am the woman who has grown immeasurably more than anyone, including myself, thought I could this year; the one who put to death the things that deserved death and allowed herself to be rescued by the only One who can save the irredeemable. I am not who I was. I will never be who they say I am, nor will I ever go back to who I hated. I have bigger things in store for my life. Their words do not control me anymore.

Cried the Whole Way Home

. change is inevitable . change is moving in the right direction . change is letting go of who you used to be . change is often imperceptible . change follows no rules . change confines . change never loses the war . change is forgetting what you once loved to embrace what you now must love . change makes or breaks . change is inevitable .

"Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be." - John Wooden.

"The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change." - Bill Clinton.

"People change and forget to tell each other." - Lillian Hellman.

"Everything you now do is something you have chosen to do. Some people don't want to believe that. But if you're over age twenty-one, your life is what you're making of it. To change your life, you need to change your priorities." - John C. Maxwell.

"The moment of change is the only poem." - Adrienne Rich.

I am obsessed with this word. If I do not let it have control, I will self-destruct trying to avoid it. I will only gain if I give up that which is not mine in the first place. Nothing here is mine. This is not my home. I am losing nothing.

. change is inevitable .

You're Making Me Angry

Sometimes it's just fun to write in giant, purple letters.

It's been a rough few days...and weeks...and months. Thankfully I can stop there. I never want to have to say years. I want to stop this streak before it gets there.

Someone told me tonight that I hide it really well. I think I'm painfully obvious...especially here. I might just explode. Or implode. Which is worse? Well, we can wait and see which one happens to me and that's probably it.

The last time I felt this way started with a death and ended with a boy. This old blog entry signals when it ended, I think.

THINKING...
Originally posted: December 10, 2006

So today I was listening to some songs that brought back a lot of memories.
And it got me wondering if I'll ever fully get over those things.
I guess it made me realize that I probably will never completely get over some of the past,
whether it be people or events.
I know it's for a good reason that I remember;
this way I don't repeat the same stupid mistakes or forget what I came from.
But at the same time, I think it would be so much easier just not to have to re-live it all every day.
I've made a conscious decision to let go, though.
The past doesn't control me anymore, and I'm ready for my new present, and the future that comes with.

YOU don't control me anymore.




Things will get better. They have to.

Don't Forget Your Backpack

I'm learning how to not close up, shut down, or fight back. My immediate reaction in the past has usually been a combo of the three whenever someone has hurt me, even unintentionally. As I ask God to change my mindset and give me greater patience, he doesn't disappoint.

I think the hardest part for me is to remain open and vulnerable, even as I'm being torn apart. How in the world do I continue being gentle and kind, even as my heart is breaking? The problem is that the answer is not of this world; it only comes from above.

I used to have serious anger issues. It actually got to the point where my bursts of rage were uncontrollable; even I wouldn't see it coming. In the process, I would be hurting the people around me and, ultimately, myself the worst. I don't know when I became so angry, but I do remember the day I decided I needed to change. Every day is still hard, but God has so much grace. Even when I miserably fail and lose my cool (usually resulting from forgetting to count to ten), he softly corrects me and tells me that we'll do better next time.

People's responses always differ when they realize I'm no longer going to fight back. Some push harder, expecting to get a reaction. Others simply stop talking to me. I'd probably be confused too.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I am far from perfect, but I'm working on it. Trying SO HARD, but it's all for nothing if God doesn't have my back.

I fully expect that one morning I'll just wake up and all of this won't even phase me anymore; I'll be so beyond this issue and be working on another one that God brings to my attention. But until then, I plan on doing everything within my power to control what is within my control, and let go of the rest.