Don't Forget Your Backpack

I'm learning how to not close up, shut down, or fight back. My immediate reaction in the past has usually been a combo of the three whenever someone has hurt me, even unintentionally. As I ask God to change my mindset and give me greater patience, he doesn't disappoint.

I think the hardest part for me is to remain open and vulnerable, even as I'm being torn apart. How in the world do I continue being gentle and kind, even as my heart is breaking? The problem is that the answer is not of this world; it only comes from above.

I used to have serious anger issues. It actually got to the point where my bursts of rage were uncontrollable; even I wouldn't see it coming. In the process, I would be hurting the people around me and, ultimately, myself the worst. I don't know when I became so angry, but I do remember the day I decided I needed to change. Every day is still hard, but God has so much grace. Even when I miserably fail and lose my cool (usually resulting from forgetting to count to ten), he softly corrects me and tells me that we'll do better next time.

People's responses always differ when they realize I'm no longer going to fight back. Some push harder, expecting to get a reaction. Others simply stop talking to me. I'd probably be confused too.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I am far from perfect, but I'm working on it. Trying SO HARD, but it's all for nothing if God doesn't have my back.

I fully expect that one morning I'll just wake up and all of this won't even phase me anymore; I'll be so beyond this issue and be working on another one that God brings to my attention. But until then, I plan on doing everything within my power to control what is within my control, and let go of the rest.