The Biggest Question of Life

This will probably be my hardest blog yet. It is the expressed version of an epiphany I had just a little while ago, and it's taken my life and heart by storm. That is why I have to get it out. I've found that I have all these crazy thoughts and emotions constantly bouncing around in my head, and they need a place of release. If I try to hold them in, even for my own sake, I end up falling apart instead.

The question that is currently rocking my soul:

Am I lovely?

Growing up, Lovely was a nickname given to me by my mom. I don't know where she got it from, why she deemed me worthy of it, or if she ever questioned her judgement. And until this moment, I have never thought to ask her any of these things. So from the time that I was very small, I always had this word lovingly thrown upon me, but I never knew if it were actually true. And it didn't occur to me that this was underlying until only a few weeks ago.

Someone was telling me a story about something (as you can tell, I was obviously paying so much attention; I'm sure I would have remembered it all if a certain point hadn't completely stopped my heart). The point of the story, by the end, was that whoever was being talked about finally realized that the problem God was working out in her life rooted in a simple question: Am I lovely? And without even knowing why, I started to cry. And I couldn't stop.

So I guess this is my deep-rooted hurt. The thing inside me that tears apart my self-confidence even as I walk through my day unaware? It's the secret part of me, deep inside, that wonders if I have worth. And somehow I've grown up with the notion that worth comes from beauty.

This thought, while seeming foolish, has never been negated. Every past boyfriend I've ever had started having feelings for me because I was hot, then for my personality...if he ever decided to find out if I had one. I have never in all my life had a guy love me for me, and then appreciate how I look.

So somehow, through this skewed view and my own insecurities, I became hopelessly addicted to compliments and attention. Although I'm (mostly) over it now, that part of my past still haunts me. What is it that makes me special? What is it that makes me worthy of love?

The hugest part of me has always been asking this question, even though I never admitted it to myself: if I did not look the way I do, would anyone care to get to know me for who I am inside? And, if they took that crazy leap and decided to try, would they find anything worth loving once they dug around a bit? The most insecure part of me wonders if anyone would love me at all.

So here comes the dilemma. I know I am beautiful in God's sight, made in His image, and He loves me unconditionally. But (I know, why does there have to be a but? Yet somehow there is), to everyone else in the world, am I lovely? If you strip away all my physical attributes and are left with only the insides, is there anything redeeming remaining? Is my character that of someone who can be loved for exactly who they are, or do I need the supporting elements of my physical extremities?

And here I stand at a crossroads. Not knowing if all my twenty years summed up is enough to make someone stay, I sit here and wonder if I'll ever find out. No one has ever stayed...but maybe that's just because they weren't meant to. Maybe God has bigger plans beyond those too shallow to look beneath the surface. Unless they did, and that's what drove them away. And the list of insecurities continues.

I have a feeling I'm only going in never-ending circles now, so I'll wrap it up.

I'm waiting on the person who can come along, see what God sees in me, and love me for who I am. Even when I'm old, wrinkled, and have lost all signs of youth. And then, standing in front of him with my laughter-etched skin and gray hair, I'll look deep into his eyes and ask: "Am I lovely?" And then he'll smile, and I'll know when he says "Yes" that he means it with every heartbeat.