I Confess You Are the Best Thing in My Life

I was asked today if I have my eye on anyone. My response? "No, I'm waiting for someone to have his eye on me."

I've committed to not dating until at least the end of April, and even then it will be iffy. I tend to let my heart be won over too easily, even if I know in my head that he's no good for me, so this is a necessary break to reassess and let my life settle. I am in the process of uprooting everything in my life that I have ever repressed or suppressed, and I need to get that crud in order before I let a man get close enough to even consider. Right now is tricky because it would be so easy to get caught up in old patterns. I'm being careful though, and sticking with my personal guidelines. I need to respect myself enough to ask respect from the opposite sex.

So as much as I might be enthralled with the idea of wrestling through life with someone, I am comfortable exactly where I am. I am beyond happy to be sitting here by myself knowing that the only guys in my life are God and my dad, and not needing another's approval or affirmation to feel good about myself. I am going to be okay. And when I get to a place in my life where I am healed enough to let someone into the new framework, then I will enjoy that brilliant place in my life as well. That man...well, he's going to be something else. I just know it.

Beneath the Stars

Every time I think of stars, I get all nostalgic (of course). Apparently nostalgia is what I do. Some thing comes to mind, but it's never just the thing...it's the predominant memory that goes with it.

The stars have always been big for me. They signify how big my God is, and how small I really am in comparison to the rest of His creation; yet, He loves me. They represent four years ago beside a river and the aftermath. They bring to mind camping trips last summer, lying in the middle of the road, feeling small compared to their bigness. And, more recently, they remind me of so little time ago, sleeping bags on grass and the rush of the ocean.

I don't know what this process is for. I don't know why it's so hard, or why I have such a difficult time explaining it. All I do know is that God doesn't test us and lead us through trials for the fun of it. We always come out with a character that is stronger and a heart that beats closer to the rhythm of His.

So I'm holding out. I don't know why, except for all the selfish reasons I've come up with. Maybe I'm crazy, and maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. But I cannot pretend away this burning in my heart, just the same as I cannot imagine away His hand on me every time I look up into the shimmering specks of universe.

Don't Forget Your Backpack

I'm learning how to not close up, shut down, or fight back. My immediate reaction in the past has usually been a combo of the three whenever someone has hurt me, even unintentionally. As I ask God to change my mindset and give me greater patience, he doesn't disappoint.

I think the hardest part for me is to remain open and vulnerable, even as I'm being torn apart. How in the world do I continue being gentle and kind, even as my heart is breaking? The problem is that the answer is not of this world; it only comes from above.

I used to have serious anger issues. It actually got to the point where my bursts of rage were uncontrollable; even I wouldn't see it coming. In the process, I would be hurting the people around me and, ultimately, myself the worst. I don't know when I became so angry, but I do remember the day I decided I needed to change. Every day is still hard, but God has so much grace. Even when I miserably fail and lose my cool (usually resulting from forgetting to count to ten), he softly corrects me and tells me that we'll do better next time.

People's responses always differ when they realize I'm no longer going to fight back. Some push harder, expecting to get a reaction. Others simply stop talking to me. I'd probably be confused too.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I am far from perfect, but I'm working on it. Trying SO HARD, but it's all for nothing if God doesn't have my back.

I fully expect that one morning I'll just wake up and all of this won't even phase me anymore; I'll be so beyond this issue and be working on another one that God brings to my attention. But until then, I plan on doing everything within my power to control what is within my control, and let go of the rest.