Drifting

That horrible letdown of defenses after a ridiculously long period of stress that leads to sickness.

I hate it. Being surrounded by the pressure of stress so tightly that, when it finally stops constricting, it still leaves me without breath.

I just watched a show where a boa constrictor was squeezing a guy to death, but they couldn't remove the snake because it had crushed his bones and if they did he would bleed out. The same thing that was killing him was also keeping him alive.

Ironic. One of the main stresses being removed meant letting go of the strict schedule that had kept me breathing. Now I have to reconstruct from the ground up all over again. I need to remind myself why I wake up in the morning instead of robotically going through the motions just to make it through the day.

There must be purpose beyond this.

Karma, Zen, Bite Me

Just going through some old documents, found my New Year's Resolutions for 2010. Ironic time to find it, I guess.

In summation, I did gain 10 pounds...for awhile; I took up a bad habit, dropped it, picked it up briefly, dropped it, and am currently deciding if now is a good time again; I absolutely did not work out every day...possibly one day?; opened my Bible more than once...almost every day for six months; I for sure ate and drank "whatever the flip I wanted"; I did not fall in love forever and "forealziez"; and, I do not really feel better about myself.

Half is pretty darn good.

New Year's Resolutions for 2011:

1. Finally attain the perfect liquid line.
2. Have a job that lasts more than a month.
3. Buy a new car.
4. Stop eating and drinking whatever the flip I feel like.
5. Don't just open my Bible, really read it.
6. Stop putting pressure on myself to fall in love forever and forealziez.
7. Continue working on my dictionary (which, PS, is in the works).
8. Stay in school.

Wow, lots to accomplish in a year.

Oh! And if you still have not bought me a Christmas gift (which I am infinitely hurt by, btws), you could do wonderful things about number three.

Day 82

That is 35.49%. And I am frustrated.

I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be. ...I am.

Yesterday's blog, reading it now with fresh eyes, hurts. It hurts to read, hurts to realize that it is really the condition of my heart. I hoped that releasing it out into the universe would help, but it hasn't. Every single time, another piece of me dies and I need to work to raise it from the dead. I sound pathetic, but I assure you I am not; I am extremely level-headed in this matter for the most part and I am under no illusions.

But why does it do this to me then? Why has it left me limping, clutching my chest, and without fingers that only know how to type painful, ironic diatribes. I need to walk so I can get away; I need to have a heart that works so I can love someone deserving and give God what He demands; and, I need need need to type papers so that I can pass this semester and be done with it.

Please, please, leave me alone. Amazing how not so far in the past I would have done nearly anything not to be, and now it is all I want in the world.

Leave me alone.