Salvation

The other day I picked up a random book sitting on a random table in the rec room. It's from a class I'm not taking and will probably never take. But it spoke to my soul.

One chapter was speaking about the wilderness. There are three examples in the Bible of people going off into the wilderness: the Israelites wandering for forty years until the old generation were all dead and God could bring the new generation into the land of promise; Jesus being led into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit to fast forty days and then be tempted by the devil; and then David being chased into the wilderness to save his life from King Saul.

It was David's story that spoke to me the most. He is my hero of the Bible. When I read his story, he is the person who I can most relate to. I know that we as Christians living in the 21st century tend to look back on his mistakes and say "Come on! How stupid can you be? You're intimate with God, now live like it!", but that is so far from how we actually execute our daily lives. I am a big one for messing up, especially, it seems, right after I have just had the most incredible encounter with God. Things will be going amazing with our relationship, we will be closer than ever before...and I'll fall. Maybe not an adulterous, murdering and lying all-in-one kind of situation, but the kind of sin that still makes me hang my head in shame. And the worst part? I still try to justify it! I will use everything in my possession, including scripture, to try and twist what I have done into what I can call "acceptable." I have a disease.

So here is David. Anointed to be the next king over all Israel. God's chosen one. And where is he? Hiding out in caves in the desert surrounding the Dead Sea. He may not have made any HUGE blunders yet, but he's still human. So he's in this place without civilization, with only a few hundred men loyal to him. He has the king and all his men out looking for him so that they can kill him. And what happens while he is out in the middle of nowhere? David finds God.

The times when I have felt closest to God have almost always been just me and Him, standing in the middle of His natural creation. Not man-made configurations birthed out of His earth, but the things He always meant to be here: trees, water, sky. Just Him allowing me to breathe in the greatness of who He is.

I want to escape!! What is the greatest yearning in my heart? To stand in the middle of a field, alone with Him, freely drinking in all that He is and all that I am within Him. Floating in the middle of the ocean, with nothing to think about except the smell of the sea and how long He has waited to spend this moment with me. Lying on a dock in the middle of the night, staring up at His stars (Shack-style), sharing the experience with the Creator of it all, with the One who named each and every dazzling piece of light.

So what am I doing here? If I feel that I should be "out there" somewhere, finding myself in the midst of nothing except He who made me, what in the world am I doing at this school, in this city, at this moment? YMI. Why am I here? It's so over-used, but it's had me thinking lately. I'm here to pursue God, to come to know Him better. My purpose is to be trained up so that I can go into the world and win souls for Him.

And then I examine my life.

I am a mess. Right now, there is very little in my life that I am proud of, and that might as well be thrown in a ditch when I look at the other stuff I have to compare it to. My thoughts are not holy, the desires of my heart have been ravaged (and I've allowed them to be), and my actions are less than how I know I should be living. And what do I do? I pull a David. I cover up one sin with another until I can no longer see where one ends and the next begins. And then I punish myself. I attempt to get back on track with God, but all the lies inside of me are screaming that I will never make it back. My Father will never accept me the way that I now am. And even if He forgives me, we will never be in the same place we were before.

I'm looking out at the snow. It's falling more heavily than before, and it's breath-taking. God knew what He was doing when He decided that frozen precipitation might be a neat idea. And it instills this peace in my spirit that I have not felt in a very long time.

Peace is being right with God: in my heart, in my actions, in everything I say and think. I'm not there. When I try to feign peace, I feel this choking feeling inside my chest and I know I need to give it all up to Him. But I can't.

WHY CAN'T I LET GO?! It's like I've given up 75% of myself to God, but the other 25% I just can't unclench my fists in order to release it up to Him. The hardest part? Knowing it used to only by 5% left. I'm sinking deeper and I don't know why.

I've come up with every excuse in the book.
1. If I didn't have money problems, it would be easier to rely on God. That is the biggest lie, and I know it even as I think it. He has never failed to provide me with everything I need. If I had it all, I'd have even less reason to have faith in Him. Even I know that's why He keeps me at this level of income. None. I need Him.
2. If I were already with the person I'm going to spend my life with, I would be happier. Somehow I've become convinced that once I'm married, the rest will be easy to give up. I know it's not true. But until I find the root of the lie, I don't know how to let go of it.
3. If I could just get away, start all over, it would be easier to follow Him and not stray; it's the people I know who cause this. I am so good at playing the blame game. And it has to stop. Changing my surroundings or the people in my life WILL NOT change the way I am. I need to get that through my head and accept it.

So there are my issues. Out for everyone to read. I want a wilderness, but I'm in one right now. There are no familiar surroundings, and I'm drowning in the aloneness of the situation. Like David, I have those few who are still by my side, but it feels as if everyone else is just out to destroy me. And my biggest enemy? Myself. I need need NEED to learn to be on my own side. A divided kingdom will not stand...

But there's hope. A very tiny light at the end of the tunnel. It's right there in David's story. What does He find in the wilderness? His salvation. He finds God.