I have no time to blog, or think or eat or anything else. I have wasted the last few weeks (months?) putting off the things I need to do. Suddenly it's crunch time and I'm overwhelmed and that little voice inside is telling me "If only you had done it all when you had the time, there wouldn't be any stress now," but my logical self yells back "I didn't feel any more capable of doing it then than I do now!" Homework. I despise homework. Homework is not how I learn, nor is it conducive to making me more willing to learn. I like to teach myself and then talk with other people who have done the same. That's all. This business of attending classes and doing stupid weekly assignments and writing long-winded reports that will never apply to my life or ministry is suffocating.
I thought that deciding to not return next year would give me an energy boost to finish this semester well; in reality, it has made everything more difficult. There is no part of me that wants to do the work, except the nagging part telling me that if I were to return in a few years' time i would hate to re-take these courses. So. No desire, no real motivation, but between now and lunch (less than 2 hours) I plan to hammer out as much as can possibly be done. This does not feel like freedom, and it was for freedom that I was set free.
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