Cried the Whole Way Home

. change is inevitable . change is moving in the right direction . change is letting go of who you used to be . change is often imperceptible . change follows no rules . change confines . change never loses the war . change is forgetting what you once loved to embrace what you now must love . change makes or breaks . change is inevitable .

"Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be." - John Wooden.

"The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change." - Bill Clinton.

"People change and forget to tell each other." - Lillian Hellman.

"Everything you now do is something you have chosen to do. Some people don't want to believe that. But if you're over age twenty-one, your life is what you're making of it. To change your life, you need to change your priorities." - John C. Maxwell.

"The moment of change is the only poem." - Adrienne Rich.

I am obsessed with this word. If I do not let it have control, I will self-destruct trying to avoid it. I will only gain if I give up that which is not mine in the first place. Nothing here is mine. This is not my home. I am losing nothing.

. change is inevitable .

Turns Out Freedom Ain't Nothing but Missing You

What do I say?

...I said it all. And nothing at all.

That feeling, when the words are right there and so is the moment but if they came out I would be more surprised than anyone at their content, and everything would change.

I'll go back, all the time.

And I Feel You Forget Me like I used to Feel You Breathe

Today has been many things.

My first snow day in many years.

A perfect example of everything for which I have to be grateful.

A devastating shock to the system, signifying that I am still susceptible.

Surprising in its turn of events.

And very, very long.

I have bigger plans than here, larger fish to fry. Part of me wants to be gone and on with my life, the rest is terrified of what I will find. Here I at least know what I am facing.

I want more.

I Don't Know how to Be Something You Miss

Whenever dreams become reality, I wonder why I am surprised.

I do not know how to be more clear.

I AM GREAT WITHOUT YOU.

BETTER THAN GREAT.

I HATE YOUR WORDS.

I HATE YOUR THOUGHTS.

I HATE YOUR DECEPTION.

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I Never Planned on You Changing Your Mind

There was a plan. A devastating, hard-to-comprehend-the-intricacies, life-length plan. I never planned on you changing your mind. There was only A. How do I switch to B, or the X I am now at, when there was never supposed to be anything but A?

It's always a dream. Life is fine, I am fine, and then a dream.

My subconscious doesn't understand, either.

Hold My Beer while I Kiss Your Girlfriend

Yesterday I took two naps.

Today I bought the highest heels I currently own.

Tomorrow I marry Tom Cruise.

Saturday I move back to school.

Sunday I will wear that shirt.

Monday is the day that classes begin.

Tuesday means lasers on my body.

Wednesday spells disaster, hospital, cake and new sweater.

Thursday feels like many things to do.

Friday will be the end of the week.

I am a planner.

So.

Why am I still writing a paper for last semester?

Half done.

Half to go.

You've Got to Promise Not to Stop when I Say When

I have had much to think about lately, in case my most recent blogs have not alerted you to that endearing fact. Ooo...biting sarcasm rules the day again. Generally, in my case at least, contemplative thought eventually leads down that road.

Today has been a most trying day. It's not enough to deal with ICBC, provincial and federal student loans for hours on end, and appointments that never end, but let's add life in general. The high point? I went to bed at 6pm.

So, thoughts. Many bouncing around.

• This is the first not as awesome day of 2011. I actually cried. Ugh. I detest crying.
• Student loans blow. I will be poor forever.
• I hate hate HATE not having a car. And to find out I may never get another one is stupid. And as if I want to go to court over this! ARGH.
• This thing, which shall remain nameless, is useless to me now. Go away.
• Taylor Swift is absolutely gorgeous.
• Legs should be naturally smooth. Life would be about 10,000x more magical, and about 1/4 as complicated.
• Student loans are the worst thing of life. It doesn't help that they rob me blind, take a billion calls an hour through one phone line, and then say ridiculously rude things for fun.
• Coffee is delicious.

Time for second sleep? Perhaps.

...Or not!

So along with thoughts go many other thoughts, and they lead to other thoughts which eventually lead you to random quotes that feel not-so-random and make me cry:

“Do not be in a hurry; depend upon it, the right Man will come at last; you will in the course of the next two or three years, meet with somebody more generally unexceptional than anyone you have yet known, who will love you as warmly as ever He did, and who will so completely attach you, that you will feel you never really loved before.”

- Jane Austen

And the Wonder of It All

I love snow. There has been snow on the ground here for almost a week and it just makes me glow. Not in a pregnant kind of way, as my brother and cousin have been telling everyone (and I do mean everyone. My first time at a church? Good time to declare it. Christmas and New Years with the fam? Excellent opportunity to talk about what would "hurt baby"), but in snow glow kind of way (and not snow globe either. Those are annoying...and by annoying I mean I love them but have never had one and am therefore bitter. I hate them). Snow is pretty and crisp and cold and makes people do crazy things like tackle each other into snow banks or smash into the back of another person's car or get on a flimsy board with little padding on for the "fun" of flying down a mountainside (one again, bitterness shining through. I love snowboarding but have only gone once. Therefore, more bitterness). It also makes magical things happen. Mittens and gloves and boots and scarves and toques fall into perfect place and make everything warm, yet somehow never warm enough to warrant turning down a hug...etc. It also makes people ramble. They see the snow, smell it, feel it instinctively in the air, and suddenly feel the need to speak in crazy tones that never end. Or be silent. Snow is a silent affair. It brings quietness of soul that stretches for minutes that last months. So far, 2011 has been very good to me. Snow, let's strike a deal. You stay all year and I will stay happy. Sound like a plan?

If This Ain't Love, then How do We Get Out?

This has been a contemplative break: lots to think about and decisions that are somehow necessary but not imminent. If you know me at all, however, you know that I unnecessarily make the give-it-time's imminent. For joy? For something that wouldn't be pretty coming out of my mouth.

I am about to go watch Notting Hill for the second time in a month, and I am thrilled to no end. Why? Well...wouldn't it be nice? Take a stroll, have a man dump orange juice all over my shirt, offer me his house and his shirt and his shower and his life, and never look back.

So far, 2011 is better. I will be real, though. It will probably not remain here in the realm of "okay," as I typically flit from high to djfhcjvxbnbr in .0463 seconds with no warning except for accelerated heart rate (and as I do not continuously hold my index and middle finger to my throat, it is not always immediately apparent). 2011 sits better with me, too. I have a weird thing with numbers. I never liked 2010. Ugh. Even to see it written there is bizarre. What a strange combination of numerals. 2011. Ah. Much better.

I just want to save you while there's still something left to save. Woah, oh oh oh. Oh oh oh, oh.

All in All

Now, with 2.633 hours of perspective, I feel that I am better able to do 2010 justice. Yes, there was a lot of school. A lot. But there was also so much more.

Much of it is in the dark (which led to such a mundane list yesterday), but the things that shine through are worth noting.

I ate a lot of instant noodles, be it in the form of soup, KD, or chow mien.

I lived in another basement, with very different people from last time. It held some of the best times, but I wouldn't go back.

I went on two roadtrips. One ended prematurely in Jasper, leaving us stranded and cold and hungry and alive. The other brought me through five states and five thousand kilometers in three days, and left me crying and praying and breathing again.

I checked, there were two car accidents this year. January and November. After January and the two roadtrips this year and one last year, November finally did in Cameron. Poor Cameron.

I had my heart broken enough to need several transplant surgeries, and then I broke my own.

I had front row seats to the demise of my personal civilization; everything I worked for, gone.

I have had the most wonderful year of seeing the most wonderful man. Please don't read too much into that.

I watched six seasons of Gilmore Girls (fourth time through) in less than two months, and watched countless other series from my bed, the smoker's couch, my creaky chair and my good chair. Oh the days.

I went to Toronto and made it back alive, despite many desperate phone calls, skype dates and tearful outbursts, which, at the time, suggested I would not be so lucky.

I fell in love with God again. Even without feeling Him. Then I lost it again. I am going to get it back again.

Heh. Right. I also survived. It is 2011 and I am still here.