This is the End, my Friends

This place is so depressing with almost everyone gone, and the rest leaving by tomorrow morning. I can literally feel the physical weight of nostalgia pressing on my chest. I won't be leaving until tomorrow morning, and already the burden of that is getting to me.

Steph left this morning at seven, and she hugged me good-bye in bed and left. The second she stepped out the door I could feel the emptiness, even with my eyes closed. The blank space where she should have been hovered above me, and I couldn't get back to sleep for what felt like hours.

As I lay there, wrapped in pink silk and feeling that perfect level of warmth to fall asleep, my mind kept me occupied with thoughts of this semester. My first semester is already over!

What did I learn? Did I learn anything, accomplish anything, feel anything out of the ordinary in the nearly four months I've been here? I learned that procrastination may have been cute when I was 15, but it doesn't suit me so well in my twenties. I learned to be careful with my heart, and to guard it with everything I have because it is my most precious possession. I accomplished the impossible: I completed all my courses and exams without dropping dead from the stress. I accomplished my number one goal when I set out to come here: build strong, healthy relationships with other Christians. And I felt free...to turn my life around, to continue growing in my relationship with God, to stretch myself in all new directions.

I think my heart is heaviest because I know that I will never again be sitting here in this moment, on the brink of Christmas break after completing my first semester of college. I will never be in this place in my life again. Part of me is so glad. There are still so many things I need to change as far as my attitude and actions are concerned...and even aspects of my character. I honestly want to be a better person, sometimes it's just really hard to kick the old habits and just be...nice. But part of me is incredibly sad. It will never again be these people in these rooms with these relationships and this dynamic again. The question is, are we losing something amazing right here, right now, or are we moving onto something even better that we couldn't imagine if we tried?

As I type, there are people in the hallway crying and hugging and saying good-byes, and every time a new person decides to leave (about every three minutes) I jump up and join in.

I began this blog in some feeble attempt to express what I'm feeling and hopefully release this feeling of tightness I feel all over me. I can't get rid of it. Maybe when I go home it'll feel a little better, but for now all I can do is look around and see the emptiness of where all those who complete my life should be.