It's All Coming Back to Me Now

My roommates can attest to the fact that I've been a little crazy lately. Actually, half our hallway can tell you about my screaming tantrum a few days ago about how it's unfair when some people have boyfriends and others don't. But the other day, I finally figured out my root issue. As much as I love being in a relationship, my biggest concern is about the end result: babies.

I am obsessed. I see pregnant women in the mall and I almost lose it. At church on Sunday they had all the teensy kids on stage singing, and I almost died. They were so small and so sweet and all had their own amazing personalities. I def want one of my own.

And then last night I was sitting next to someone holding a baby, and for sure everyone around me thought I must not like babies or something because I had to completely turn my body away. Every time I looked at her, I had to fight back the tears.

The scariest part is that the idea doesn't scare me in the least. Even the idea of not having a significant other and raising a child on my own doesn't make me blink. Maybe I'm just sheltered to the hard facts of how difficult that undertaking would be, but I really don't think so. I've watched enough people do it, and I have no doubt that I would have enough support from my family and my Stephanie. Don't think this means I'm thinking of ordering off the "menu" any time soon, or luring some random into helping me out. The idea of being alone and prego just doesn't scare me as much as it probably should.

The hardest part right now, though, is knowing that of course, deep down, I want to be in a solid, committed marriage when I have the happiest news of my life to deliver. I meant telling people about it, not...anyways. I really, really want that.

I think I came out of the womb 10 years old, and have only progressed from there. That would make me thirty right now, and would also make my current freak-out over no spawn somewhat legit and not crazy-person-talk. I know people think I'm psychotic because I want a baby at 20, but I wonder what they'd think if they knew I've wanted one since I was about 16.

I was born to be a mother. Plain and simple. I guess God's timing on this just isn't my own, and I'll need to wait it out. Until then, I'm going to do my best to be patient and not steal random toddlers from passing strollers.