Not How I Pictured This at All

I have been struggling with a sense of failed character as of late. As my good friend once wrote in a little book called Romans: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I hate what I do.

Yesterday was a test of character and I failed miserably. Not only did I continue in a pattern I thought I had finally broken, I also hurt myself immeasurably. I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

I do not know where to go from here. How do I break a chain that has held me most of my life, despite recessions of years? I feel hopelessly lost in a sea of disillusionment and self-judgment that refuses to let me come up for air.

Today I spent the better part of the afternoon scrubbing myself clean of who I used to be (literally and figuratively) because I refuse to be that person anymore. I will not be someone I hate behind closed doors. I cannot lead a double life forever.


Only two chapters earlier, my friend wrote about how perseverance will develop proven character. I don't want character that is up and down and all over the place like a Pop-a-Mole game; only proven character is acceptable to me and to my Father, so that is what I will strive for. With His help and some perseverance, hopefully I will get there. Tomorrow is not a good enough place to start. My change starts today, I am running full-speed towards my Savior and the life He has planned for me, and the old ways will not catch up to me now.