is just to love, and be loved in return.
Apparently I haven't learned my lesson yet, with God or with people. I forgot a long time ago what it feels like to be genuinely loved, and as a result find it even more difficult to believe it exists now. And as for loving...I don't feel capable of anything anymore. If deciding whether to get out of bed in the morning causes distress; if finding a place to go is limited to stalking my favourite shelves at Shopper's Drug Mart while the salespeople watch us (because we're the only people in the store at 11:30 on a Friday night) because my imagination literally can't go further; if I can blank out of entire conversations after asking several times to hear the same thing repeated that I actually want to know but cannot focus on for the life of me; if this is who I am, where the heck am I supposed to fit in loving someone else the way they deserve to be loved?
Today, for the first time in my entire life (not hyperbolizing, there are definitely people who can vouch for me), I could not care less if I never get married.
I meant to say more, but I think that last statement about sums me up.
I have been struggling with a sense of failed character as of late. As my good friend once wrote in a little book called Romans: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I hate what I do.
Yesterday was a test of character and I failed miserably. Not only did I continue in a pattern I thought I had finally broken, I also hurt myself immeasurably. I have never felt so alone in my entire life.
I do not know where to go from here. How do I break a chain that has held me most of my life, despite recessions of years? I feel hopelessly lost in a sea of disillusionment and self-judgment that refuses to let me come up for air.
Today I spent the better part of the afternoon scrubbing myself clean of who I used to be (literally and figuratively) because I refuse to be that person anymore. I will not be someone I hate behind closed doors. I cannot lead a double life forever.
Only two chapters earlier, my friend wrote about how perseverance will develop proven character. I don't want character that is up and down and all over the place like a Pop-a-Mole game; only proven character is acceptable to me and to my Father, so that is what I will strive for. With His help and some perseverance, hopefully I will get there. Tomorrow is not a good enough place to start. My change starts today, I am running full-speed towards my Savior and the life He has planned for me, and the old ways will not catch up to me now.
