The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn

is just to love, and be loved in return.

Apparently I haven't learned my lesson yet, with God or with people. I forgot a long time ago what it feels like to be genuinely loved, and as a result find it even more difficult to believe it exists now. And as for loving...I don't feel capable of anything anymore. If deciding whether to get out of bed in the morning causes distress; if finding a place to go is limited to stalking my favourite shelves at Shopper's Drug Mart while the salespeople watch us (because we're the only people in the store at 11:30 on a Friday night) because my imagination literally can't go further; if I can blank out of entire conversations after asking several times to hear the same thing repeated that I actually want to know but cannot focus on for the life of me; if this is who I am, where the heck am I supposed to fit in loving someone else the way they deserve to be loved?

Today, for the first time in my entire life (not hyperbolizing, there are definitely people who can vouch for me), I could not care less if I never get married.

I meant to say more, but I think that last statement about sums me up.