Empty

I messed up really bad. I was less than truthful with one of my best friends, and now he's not ever going to talk to me again. I don't blame him. It just hurts SO BAD knowing it's my own fault. And there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I've always thought myself to be good with words. I can pen my thoughts with precision when called to do so, and I rarely fumble to express my inner workings. But today. Today words failed me. There was not one thing I could say in the entire world to convince him that I was wrong, so horribly wrong, but that there might be room for forgiveness.

This is humiliation to the max. I didn't think it could get worse, until I realized everyone knows. I don't blame him for telling people, but I blame me for giving him something to tell them about. So I'm in this isolated darkness, full of regret and shame over things I cannot change. But I'm going to try.

I need to get right with God. If I can draw all of this back to one place, it's my not being right with Him. This is obviously going to take a lot of healing time, and nothing will ever change if I don't give it up to God. He made me, He made him, and He gets it all. He gets the condition of each of our hearts, and He's not biased. He's hurting with him even as He hurts with me.

I am so selfish. When I look at all of this, it spells one thing: SELFISH. I was only thinking of myself. And by the time I started caring for someone more than myself, it was too late. The damage was done. And I'm left with this aching emptiness in my chest that cries out: "What if I was wrong?" Not wrong about hurting him, I know that I did; I know I messed up too bad to ever be properly made right. I mean...what if I overlooked what is good, just because I couldn't see it? What if I was the one holding me back from having peace?

What if I was wrong?