So This is Me Being Vulnerable

So this is me being vulnerable. To the max. There's my mini disclaimer. Here goes.

I use sarcasm and harsh jokes to cover who I am. Yesterday someone asked me in all seriousness why I treat him horribly one day, and the next day I "actually have a heart," and then I go back to being...not so nice. The truth is that I bury my heart so that no one can touch it. When I'm kind and open, I've only ever been trampled. So I hide myself away and put up a front that unfortunately (yet according to plan) no one sees through and they just assume that this harsh, crass person is who I really am at the depths. And the part that scares me most is: what if I wake up one morning and discover that the person who I was trying to protect doesn't exist anymore, and has been body-snatched by this alternate-Leanne who treats the world with disdain? Worse, what if I don't notice at all?

To hide the fact that I have my own horrible insecurities, I put on a show of pride and disguise my pain as a joke. The truth is...I'm rarely even comfortable in my own skin. Just when I think I have this whole liking myself thing down, I let someone tear me down with the smallest comments. And of course, I react in typical me-fashion.
"Thanks so much for pointing out that I'm pale! It's not as if I've never looked in the mirror before."
"I'm skinny? Really? And here I was, all this time, thinking I was fat! Well good thing you pointed that one out, or I could have been really embarrassed."
I suppose people say the things they do because they assume that I'd like to know. Do you not understand that I can see my own faults well enough without you pointing them out? I know everything that I do and say wrong, I'm well aware of my numerous physical flaws, and I'm more than capable of beating myself up over it. I honestly don't need your help.

So in response to my own brokenness, I erect these impregnable walls which I hide behind and only appear on top of occasionally...and usually only to hurl down tomatoes and insults. It's not you...usually. It's me. It's all me, and my own selfishness and pride.

I don't really believe the things I say about myself. I know I've said this before, but somehow people take me literally every time I say something extremely-over-the-top prideful. If I honestly thought I was wonderful, trust me, I'd be the last person to mention it.

And then, to top it off, I get the typical response: "What do you have to be so embarrassed of?" Because I'm not allowed to have issues or problems I'm struggling with. It's not as if someone "like me" (whatever that means) can have self-esteem issues.

I love the person I'm becoming as I change. I really do. I am just so sick, so physically ill at the thought, of how I'm viewed. But it makes sense. And I take full responsibility. I keep people at arm's length, I treat them with disrespect, and I'm cold. I deserve it.

Just one last note, though. I did let myself be vulnerable a while ago. I put myself out there, thought I had made a careful decision on the people I was letting into my life, and my heart got trampled. Nice one, Leanne. You really know how to pick 'em.

So I guess for now I'm walled up within my fortress, waiting to be rescued. What does that look like? I haven't the slightest clue. All I know is that until then, I'm not strong enough to break the walls down myself. I'm definitely not strong enough on my own. Wow. That was hard to admit.

So, that was me being vulnerable. Sorry. Wait, not sorry. I'm not apologizing. This has been bothering me way too much lately, and I had to get it out.
Amazing. I can open up to the world (or whoever decides to read my blog) but I can't tell the people I've hurt why I wasn't able to treat them the way they deserved.