Detox

Remember that big binder of my random writings that I mentioned a few blogs ago? So I was reading through it just now and got some inspiration.

About six months ago, I started reading this book called "Sex Detox." Before you run away with yourself, it's not what you think. The book is broken into two parts, one for people in relationships (and then it is what it sounds like) and one part for single people. The whole point of the book is to take a month out of your life to evaluate what is important to you, your values, and the things you'd like to change. I'm going to focus on the single aspect of the book, because that's the part that applies to me and the section that I was working through. Each day had questions to answer in a journal, and even though I only did it for the first three days (I'm such a slacker), I definitely learned a ton about myself.

Here is a small summary of what I learned about myself, without the too-much-information information. I found it so interesting just to see how I used to think, and how much of it is still the same.

Day 1: I had to answer 26 multiple choice questions relating to past relationships, my hopes for the future, my current (and at the time non-existent) relationship situation, and how I viewed my parents' relationship. (Sidenote: this is, once again, me being vulnerable. I share, but it's from my heart. Don't tear me up please).
From the quiz, I learned:
- I am very future-focused.
- I avoid dating to, in turn, avoid the rollercoaster of emotions that I always put myself through.
- I am beyond concerned with how others view me.

Day 2: This exercise was definitely less controlled. I had seven vague statements that I had to link together in any way I wanted, and explain.
Example: mushrooms, love, friend, coffee. coffee is connected to mushrooms because my first date was at a restaurant that only served mushrooms and after that we went for coffee. mushrooms are connected to friends because...and friends are connected to love because...and it continues.
So in the connections I was making (which I won't list, but I assure you were much deeper than mushrooms and coffee), I learned:
- I used to believe that, indirectly, sex = love. The part that I missed was that sex with the wrong person = heartbreak.
- I am breakable. I like to imagine that I'm solid, a wall, but the truth is that I am easily shattered.
- I used to have a serious addiction to compliments. Thankfully, I'm now in a place where I can allow God to speak to me to the point where His affirmation is the most important.
- As important as it is to find someone who fits my idea of the right guy for me, it's nothing if that same guy doesn't see the traits he needs in me.
- Because of what I saw as a child (or lack thereof), I was convinced that once I hit marriage, life would suddenly make sense and be perfect. And because it had been ingrained in my head that sex only comes after marriage, I somehow drew the conclusion that sex must make everything perfect as well.

Day 3: I had to make a pro and con list of different events that I experienced in the past. All of the situations had good lessons for me to learn, but in the process were also damaging in some way.
I learned:
- I tend to have ideals that can NEVER be matched up to. I cannot put those expectations on anyone and expect them to be perfection for me.
- I grew up thinking my worth was based on beauty.
- My previous relationships actually had a purpose. I learned what I need, and what I cannot, under any circumstances, put up with. My expectations are now more realistic as a result.

And that was where I stopped. I can't really remember why. The reason I'm sharing this? It's self-awareness, as well as a snapshot of who I was at that time. I can look back on it, see how far I've come, and see the way that God is moulding and shaping my thinking to be more like His.

None of this was meant to be too revealing or uncomfortable to read, so if it was I apologize and please let me know.

The more I write, the more I'm coming to understand what this blog is for me. It's my way of communicating to myself and the world who I really am, behind my walls.