I told someone the other day that the reason I don't blog every day while I'm here is because someone would think I have multiple personalities; my mood seems to change so drastically and so often that it may scare the faint of heart.
But today I have to, even if it's frightening. There is so much going on in my head and if I don't let it out soon I'll shut down.
Again and again it seems to be reaffirmed: "You're not wanted here. Take your gifts and shove 'em." Or something like that.
Everything is up in the air again, and I'm emotionally spent. Today is the day that the earth literally stood still; I've been up nearly 18 hours but it feels like 80. Today is day 19 and my emotional well-being has just about had it.
All day my constant prayer has been "Why God?! You sent me here and must have a purpose somewhere in the midst of all this, but it's invisible. Show me!!!! God! Reveal it! Help me because I physically do not have the strength to ______ anymore." At some points the blanks were simple like "not fall asleep at the park while watching children" or complex like "get up off the shower floor before the water turns me to mush or they break down the door because they think I'm dead."
And tomorrow scares me. This is usually the kind of dread only reserved for...I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is. Oh. The kind of dread only reserved for when I know something is about to end. I don't know what this means.
2 comments:
i'm glad you're able to let it out... especially to Him
Keep asking. You'll get your answers.
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