And We Know It's Never Simple, Never Easy, Never a Clean Break

Today is a day of extreme discouragement. I didn't realize that that was the word, pressing on my chest until I can hardly breathe, until I was texting someone and it just came out. I am discouraged.

I am closer to God than I have been in months. I am serving Him again and doing my best to swallow my pride and be humble. The people who work with me would probably be amazed to know that I don't even say half the things on my mind. I am trying my darnedest to be positive and smile, laugh and nod at the correct times, but I can feel the knife blade beneath my feet beginning to slip. At some point some one will say some thing and I will lose my hold and just cry. And I won't be able to stop.

I don't want to complain or be dishonouring to those who are in authority over me. I want to have a heart after what theirs' beat for, and to support them in all their endeavours. But I'm wearing thin already. And my church, my home church for the next few months...I don't feel like they want me. Maybe they were expecting someone older or...or... well to be honest, I think they wanted a guy. I have all the experience in the world that I could ever need to do everything they ask of me and more at this church (except for my lacking in the Portuguese department), but they don't...something. Trust? Want? I don't know.

And that's just work. If all I did in my whole life was work, this would be cake. My mind and heart do so much more than work, and they just ache all over. God is in the center and all around everything I do; nothing is being held back from His scrutiny (as far as I know). But I still hurt. I am still not whole.

I don't know how to make it another 53 days.