Confessions of a...Masochistaholic?

I haven't opened my Bible since school ended. I love my Bible. I love reading it and getting into it and burying myself in it and holding on to its truths. But I don't like me lately. So, instead of allowing its beauty and wisdom to infiltrate my (insert any given word here: sadness, heartache, numbness, etc.), I harden my heart further and let nothing in. Nothing is safer than everything. ...Because lately, I've found almost everything is all or nothing.

I haven't opened my Bible since school ended. For assignments, I use Bible gateway. When people write me letters or give me verses, I read what's on the sheet and nothing more. I have hardened myself against it because it hurts too bad. Praying has been difficult too. What do I say to a God who I don't know how to speak to anymore? When all signs point to Him existing, but with that the weighty feeling that He must hate me to let this happen, how do I find the words?

And then. Tonight I go on Facebook, way too late as usual, and at the top of my home page, someone's status simply says: "Romans 8:28!" And I was compelled. Without a thought, my Bible was out and open. I started from the beginning of the section, and one verse in I was sobbing. Here it is:

"And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren; and whom He predestined, these He also called; and whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, 'For Thy sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

When I can't find the words anymore, Jesus and the Holy Spirit do it for me. They go beyond words for me, because I cannot do it myself. Despite all the spinning in my head, every word here makes perfect sense. There is room to conquer.

This song is my prayer right now. I don't have my own words, but these seem to do the trick:

this is my prayer in the desert / when all that's within me feels dry / this is my prayer in my hunger and need / my God is the God who provides / this is my prayer in the fire / in weakness or trial or pain / there is a faith proved of more worth than gold / so refine me Lord through the flame / this is my prayer in the battle / when triumph is still on its way / I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ / so firm on His promise I'll stand

I always just sang the words. Yet, right now in this moment, they mean something.

I don't know if this will change things. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and things will be exactly the same. But at least I can rewind for a second, look back at Wednesday, January 6th at 3:05am and remember that, even for a split second, I had hope.