Where You Are

My most sincere moments of clarity always come when least expected. For one clear, shining moment, I can see the truth that has evaded me for so long and I am completely at ease with the unfiltered view before me.

Today is the first day of fall. Today is a beautiful day just like last year, which feels like yesterday. Today I sat in the middle of a field and cried in the sunshine. Today I had the opportunity to choose, the same as any other day.

Every day is a new day, yet I hopelessly cling to the days before, usually in punishment. I tell myself that there's no point in turning around now because I've already come so far and screwed up so bad. I look in the mirror and don't forget who I see when I turn away; she haunts every succeeding step.

I cannot remember who I was twelve months ago. I cannot remember where she came from or her motivations for anything she did.

I am on the edge of falling flat on my face. I feel as if I am sitting on a very thin line that is supporting my entire weight. If I stay above the line, I am safe; if I dip below, I will crash and burn.

I don't know where this is leading or why I suddenly needed to get it out or why I sound so emo lately. But I don't know how else to express myself. Words fail me. Yet, somehow, my fingers magically transform the beating of my heart into rhythms of voice that are comprehensible on a page.

I don't know what you want from me, Lord.