This past weekend was Rockridge Round Two. I met new people, hung out with a new set of bathroommates, and, thankfully, was in a general state of "just okay" because I didn't have a hundred million memories hanging over my head the way that I do when I walk the paths of this haunted campus. God touched me in a way that I've never felt before; He was finally able to obliterate the wall I had set up between Him and my heart for supposed safety, and was able to show me that the greatest safety is in the comfort of His arms. I gave up a lot to Him, and I threw away all of my excuses, now rendered useless by absolute Truth, for why I should not be the woman He created me to be.
Sometimes it still hurts. My own Great Sadness still trickles out of the past and muddies my vision with its lies and "what-could-have-been"s. My focus used to be on the past, then shuffled to the future to ease the heartache, and is now desperately clinging to the edges of the present in the hopes of finding peace. But peace never came from holding on; it's in the letting go that God can bring peace to my heart.
Facebook never fails to give me a good slap, Skype brings the futile desperation of holding back tears, and my uncracked window reminds me of days that will never come. Sometimes I think I hold on so that I have something to draw from in moments when I need to feel human or want to express myself through writing, but other times I think it is simply because if I really do let go and let God come in and completely heal my heart (not just bandage or stitch it up, but actually heal), then I won't have the Sadness to cling to. Without the sadness, am I really even Me anymore?
This year will be a good year. There are wonderful people, fantastic classes and the hope of a possible future at this school beyond the next several months. I know, in my head, if I let go of last year that this year has the potential to be just as good, if not better, but my heart can't quite grasp that yet. I'm getting there, though.
I've finally realized that sometimes you lose the good things in life to make room for the great things.
1 comment:
Leanne. You are beautiful, not just your gorgeous outside, but this. The you that pours out on the paper and makes me tear. I can't handle reading this. I just cry. Because I feel for you and feel some of the same. I can only imagine how hard it is. I am praying for you ..... and I love you with all of my heart.
Held -Natalie Grant. just been my theme song lately, thought you might like it
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