Two weeks ago when we had the missions teams from the States here visiting, on my night to have the Performing Arts team at my church I had the opportunity to share a portion of my testimony. I did not go into great detail, but was able to give a general sense of the person I have been over the past year and the places God has brought me into and through (and the places I plunged myself into). It was so awesome for God to be able to take my broken experiences and turn them around for His glory. I never saw that one coming.
For over a year now, I have been struggling with depression. It started manageable, fightable, but soon became too deep for me to handle alone. By the time my second year of Bible College started, I was a mess. I had to give up a lot of ministry I was a part of, and not let myself do the usual and load myself up with more than I could handle. Even with these steps, it only got worse and worse. And with my changing countenance came a new attitude, a selfish pity-me take on the world. If I was miserable, then I deserved to be able to do anything in my power to feel better. I had the right to it.
I made a lot of mistakes because of that attitude. Maybe mistakes isn't the right word. I chose a lot of things that I previously would have been horrified by, all in the name of treating myself. I hurt a lot of people and I hurt myself. I thought I was getting better when school ended, but when the temptation to be who I'd been during that time came back, I failed the test. I gave in with a vengeance and justified myself. Unfortunately, however, my justification means nothing in God's sight. He had to work in me, because only His change would leave a lasting impression on my heart.
I told God and told myself that if I were to ever change, Toronto would be the place. There would be none of the usual distractions and I would be able to commit to changing. Mercifully, He took me up on it. The grace He has extended blows my mind. It has only been seven weeks since I left, but He took my already shattered and mangled heart in His hands and shaped it back into something that can again bring Him glory. Everything looks different. Everything feels different. I am different.
Unfortunately, although my sins are gone and I can approach Him with confidence and knowledge that He sees me perfect, I still have consequences to deal with. Things I thought were buried with my letting go and transformation have again come to the surface and I need to face them head-on. There is no hiding, because genuine repentance brings sin to the light so it can be dealt with. So instead of being frustrated that it is here again, I will look on this as the confirmation that these past sins are being dealt with once and for all so I can truly move on with my life and walk the way He desires for me to.
In John 3 Jesus talks about how those who love their evil ways prefer the dark so that they will not be exposed. I am done with darkness. I have chosen to walk in the light, as I have now chosen to walk in integrity and have nothing to hide. And should I stumble again (as I no doubt will), I will stay standing in the light so that I can face the consequences and be forgiven again.
God, hold me accountable. Don't let me go back to that place, no matter how bad things may get. I trust that You are who You are, no matter where I am. I trust You.
