Two weeks ago when we had the missions teams from the States here visiting, on my night to have the Performing Arts team at my church I had the opportunity to share a portion of my testimony. I did not go into great detail, but was able to give a general sense of the person I have been over the past year and the places God has brought me into and through (and the places I plunged myself into). It was so awesome for God to be able to take my broken experiences and turn them around for His glory. I never saw that one coming.
For over a year now, I have been struggling with depression. It started manageable, fightable, but soon became too deep for me to handle alone. By the time my second year of Bible College started, I was a mess. I had to give up a lot of ministry I was a part of, and not let myself do the usual and load myself up with more than I could handle. Even with these steps, it only got worse and worse. And with my changing countenance came a new attitude, a selfish pity-me take on the world. If I was miserable, then I deserved to be able to do anything in my power to feel better. I had the right to it.
I made a lot of mistakes because of that attitude. Maybe mistakes isn't the right word. I chose a lot of things that I previously would have been horrified by, all in the name of treating myself. I hurt a lot of people and I hurt myself. I thought I was getting better when school ended, but when the temptation to be who I'd been during that time came back, I failed the test. I gave in with a vengeance and justified myself. Unfortunately, however, my justification means nothing in God's sight. He had to work in me, because only His change would leave a lasting impression on my heart.
I told God and told myself that if I were to ever change, Toronto would be the place. There would be none of the usual distractions and I would be able to commit to changing. Mercifully, He took me up on it. The grace He has extended blows my mind. It has only been seven weeks since I left, but He took my already shattered and mangled heart in His hands and shaped it back into something that can again bring Him glory. Everything looks different. Everything feels different. I am different.
Unfortunately, although my sins are gone and I can approach Him with confidence and knowledge that He sees me perfect, I still have consequences to deal with. Things I thought were buried with my letting go and transformation have again come to the surface and I need to face them head-on. There is no hiding, because genuine repentance brings sin to the light so it can be dealt with. So instead of being frustrated that it is here again, I will look on this as the confirmation that these past sins are being dealt with once and for all so I can truly move on with my life and walk the way He desires for me to.
In John 3 Jesus talks about how those who love their evil ways prefer the dark so that they will not be exposed. I am done with darkness. I have chosen to walk in the light, as I have now chosen to walk in integrity and have nothing to hide. And should I stumble again (as I no doubt will), I will stay standing in the light so that I can face the consequences and be forgiven again.
God, hold me accountable. Don't let me go back to that place, no matter how bad things may get. I trust that You are who You are, no matter where I am. I trust You.
2 comments:
scripture says that david was a man after God's own heart. clearly, he was not perfect in his thoughts and actions, but he seemed to know Whom it was he sinned against. i think david understood a lot of your inner struggles, and also recognized God's loving discipline in the midst of his failures and successes. i'd say you're in most excellent company!! xo
reading this made me cry because God is so freaking good. He turns our pasts into testimonies which can speak to other people and He keeps showing us grace and that adds more to our testimony!
I have a friend right now who grew up in an abusive home and she is this strong, godly woman because she gave all that hurt to God and asked to be healed and not to be broken. and she's a leader and able to serve God wholeheartedly. Her parents turned back to Jesus because of her influence in their lives and because she knew Gods love so strongly she felt it when she was not loved by her parents. Beyond our comprehension is Gods power and wisdom. The way He works to make His people whole is incredible.
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