I Eat Things

Today I got a new couch. The way I always seem to have fancy furniture handed to me on a fancy French platter that is magically free astounds me. This is couch number four. Five will be delivered tomorrow. We already have The Make-out Couch, The Smoking Couch, The Uncomfy Brown One, and now we add The Shizzz to our collection. I have a strange feeling that we'll have no choice to call the fifth "The Shizzz the Second." I'm assuming he or she will be just as heavenly.

Tomorrow we also get another TV, a new shoe rack and some drawers. I'm like a magnet for free awesome stuff.

I also get free food. Tuesday I got free chocolate milk and cheese. Today it was cheesecake and salad. I'm a machine.

I also eat things like Crispers and Life brand Pringles and peanuts and pickles and crackers and chocolate and anything else that can come in salt-and-vinegar flavoured. Oh! And beef jerky. What is life without beef jerky?

I saw lots of cows in Alberta. Before we saw the cows, the hundreds and hundreds of cows, we saw bison on the side of the road. Three bison. To which Irvin says: "Wow, look at the bison! They're like the cows of Alberta!"

Seriously.

Once I saw an emu in Abbottsford. Emus must be the crows of BC.

Wildlife is dangerous. The deer were crazy on the highway. We kept seeing deer EVERYWHERE, and then suddenly I see it: the deer sign. The warning that tells me that sometime in the near future I might see one of the crazy bambis and possibly collide with it. After kilometers and kilometers of deer but no deer signs. At the sight of it, I yelled in jubilation: "Well thank goodness! Someone could have been hurt!" Dude. I had already been driving about thirteen hours, so please cut me some slack.

I also kept yelling out to my deer. "My Dear!" My deer's name is My Dear, please try to keep up.

As we went along, the deer on the signs got bigger and bigger. Apparently Albertan deer are massive to the extreme in comparison to our wimpish pansy deer here. When you compare the sizes on the signs, we're suddenly dealing with deer that can leap the entire highway at a prance. They don't even need to pick up the pace to clear my car. These deer are freaks of nature, and suddenly they're out to get my car; I'm still expected to go 110km/h while avoiding these GIANT FREAKING DEER.

I think I'd rather hit a moose.

Speaking of which, I have a feeling they'd be better eats anyways.

I eat pickles and Crispers and mooses and chocolate milk and emus and salad and French onion soup with a delightful layer of baked swiss on top. And George Bush eats babies.

Friends?