This is the Song that Never Ends

I have spent the day languishing in the bliss of an empty heart and bare room. In reality, taken into the context of what the last few days have been, my last statement can be more equivalently translated as: "I have spent the day under the oppression of mourning, because my roommate has left me and the rest are soon to follow."

Stephanie came back last night to hang out for a bit, and then to pack up and leave. When I got back to my room at 3am, I woke her up and we talked til about 4:30, at least as far as we can tell. I was then rudely awakened before 9 by Emily ripping a whiteboard off the wall and taking part of the wall with it. Steph cleaned, her mom cleaned, I think I cleaned a bit, and then it was time to go. I hadn't really been thinking about it until I looked around and saw her entire half of the room gutted and her face, standing alone in a sea of this-is-too-much-to-handle. She went to say good-bye to Emily first, and listening to them cry made me cry before I even realized what was happening. And the hug that lasted forever? It made my heart hurt, but I was glad for every second; from the first second we met and she wouldn't talk to me, to all the midnight talks and prayer times, to our crazy fun craziness, all the way to holding each other and wondering how it went by so fast. ...and then I made her leave because it hurt too bad to keep saying good-bye.

I spent the better part of today dwelling in her absence and allowing myself to feel the pain. Part of me wished I'd never met her, but the truthful me knew that I love her more than anything and wouldn't trade this year for the world. The pain is receding, though the waves come back once in a while just to let me know that I am human, this is real, and I cannot forget about her.

Tomorrow is Thailand. Emily, Melissa, and so many others will be gone for a month to do their thing, and I am so happy for them! It hurts and I'll miss them, but I know that life goes on. The sun will keep rising, and in the evening keep setting, and, as Sarah says, my God will keep loving me.

Ryan leaves for Thailand tomorrow too. For three months. We keep telling each other that it's really not that long and it will go by in no time. I, at least, know that there is so much more to it than that. I haven't fully allowed it to sink in yet because I just keep crying and this whole blubbering ALL THE TIME thing is getting a little old. But I don't want him to go. I want things to go on the way they've been. I want to play pool and go to minichurch and timmies, and even argue if that's what it takes to keep him here. But more than that, I want him to go because I know that's what he loves. I hope he has the trip of a lifetime, and that he comes back even more in love with God than ever before.

The semester is over. The year is over. My first year of college is over. People are leaving, and life does go on. Some people I missed saying good-bye to, but, as much as that brings a dull pain to my chest, I know that a lack of good-bye does not negate our entire friendship. Please know that you are still very much loved. And to the people who are coming back next year, know that I am on a mission. So many of you are so amazing, and we never got the chance to become close. I want that so bad, even if it hurts so much more in the end.

This really is the end, my friends.