That's What She Said

I don't have time for this. Right now, I have a million and one things to be doing, including spending time with God; I'm half way through a sentence in 2 Chronicles, and I couldn't read one more word until I wrote. I'm busier than I've ever been in my life and, from what I hear, this is not the end of the craziness. This is the beginning. My full-time internship has turned into my entire life. The few minutes I have to myself have been spent watching Gilmore Girls or doing things I probably shouldn't be doing. My choices have been poor, and I have not been the wise woman I thought I was growing up to be.

My mom and I finally finished Gilmore Girls, and I cried. Of course. In my head it will always end differently, because I'm afraid of relating to a TV show that much.

I haven't written in so long. Mostly I don't have the time; I don't even go on facebook anymore because I only have a few seconds to check and see if there's anything I need to immediately respond to. This is my official apology to those who I've ousted through that. Despite the excuse of my lack of time, I think my neglect of this blog has deeper roots. Maybe, deep down, I want people to stop reading it. The people I once wrote it for don't exist anymore; I am not the same, and they are not the same. I am frightened of everything this could mean.

I've been messing up lately. I am a rebel at heart, and everything in me is always fighting against what I know I could be. I'm horribly frightened of success, and I don't know how to change that.

This is a rant, a confession, an admonition. I miss who I used to be. I miss the plans and the simple trust I had in God, others and myself. I can't go back, the present is not what I thought, and tomorrow is scarier than I thought it would be.

And I will never have an avocado tree.