Oh How He Loves Us

God has been exceedingly clear. He loves me. Enough to hug me in my despair, enough to romance me with a rose and a love letter, enough to give someone else the perfect words at the perfect time. Oh, how He loves me.

And yet.

I know He has to be my everything, but it is such a lonely road. Every day is a struggle just to get myself out of bed, and I don't understand why He allows me to live this way...one moment at a time with no hope that morning will ever come.

I am in the middle of a desert, winter season. One or the other is bad enough, but both is nearly hopeless. Frozen cold with no end in sight, it is to be utterly alone.

I am done with the plastic smile stapled to my face; it has begun to fade over the last several days, and I think it's finally gone. I'm so exhausted by the energy it takes to be outwardly happy to make everyone else more comfortable. I refuse to sacrifice myself any longer so that your comfort is not disturbed.

I really am going to be okay. I know this. And they tell me all the time. It's just going to take awhile.