Who You Are is not Where You've Been

2010: A Summary

J - School...and moving away from school.
F - School?
M - School.
A - School, freedom!
M - Wedding!
J - Roadtrip
J - Toronto
A - Toronto, Home
S - School
O - School?
N - Reading break!
D - Christmas!

In short, it was...quite a year. This is positivity, even when it is difficult. For more info, please see blogs January 1 through December 30/2010.
Next year will be better.



Karma, Zen, Bite Me

Just going through some old documents, found my New Year's Resolutions for 2010. Ironic time to find it, I guess.

In summation, I did gain 10 pounds...for awhile; I took up a bad habit, dropped it, picked it up briefly, dropped it, and am currently deciding if now is a good time again; I absolutely did not work out every day...possibly one day?; opened my Bible more than once...almost every day for six months; I for sure ate and drank "whatever the flip I wanted"; I did not fall in love forever and "forealziez"; and, I do not really feel better about myself.

Half is pretty darn good.

New Year's Resolutions for 2011:
  1. Finally attain the perfect liquid line.
  2. Have a job that lasts more than a month.
  3. Buy a new car.
  4. Stop eating and drinking whatever the flip I feel like.
  5. Don't just open my Bible, really read it.
  6. Stop putting pressure on myself to fall in love forever and forealziez.
  7. Continue working on my dictionary (which, PS, is in the works).
  8. Stay in school.

Wow, lots to accomplish in a year.
Oh! And if you still have not bought me a Christmas gift (which I am infinitely hurt by, btws), you could do wonderful things about number three.


Eleven Days Remaining

Christmas is over again. I got enough awesome stuff to last till V-Day, almost won $2 on my scratch-and-win, and only gained two pounds. Apparently I am also officially part of my dad's side of the family now that I own Canucks paraphernalia...go me.

School is almost back, and I still have papers to do. What a ridiculous mess. I don't think I've accomplished anything I promised myself I would do. Oops. I don't really know what else to say. Um. Lots of movies have been watched! ...Yeah.

PS - Do the math.


What Do You Wanna Marry Me for Anyhow?

So I can kiss you any time I want.

I fall in love with things, make myself love them more than necessary, and then deprive myself and wonder why my life is painfully empty. I am currently rediscovering one of my greatest lost loves: drawing. I forgot how good it makes me feel, how accomplished. This is freedom.

I am now revising my winter plans. From this point on, if I have it my way, I want to only stay here and do the same thing all day. If you love me at all, do not ask me to do anything else. If you hate me at all, just try to stop me. Then I will laugh in your face when you fail and I am worth billions.

I am exhausted and stuffed (see continuous feeding Dec. 24 from 4:20pm-12:45am; Dec. 25 3:00pm-now?) and high on life, drunk on smoked salmon, coked-out on hairspray. All in all, this leaves me with the insane desire to do something crazy; thankfully my greatest insanity at the moment begs for clear pencil lines.

Can we just kiss already and get it over with?


Maybe I'm Amazed at the Way I Need You

It's Christmas Eve, and where are my thoughts? But of course.

My head is a giant maze lately. Figuring out likelihoods, punching through walls to see what is on the other side, trying to be my own crystal ball...these have all been constants as of late.

The potential conclusion: I don't know. I don't know! Brilliant. Exactly defines the place at which I stand. I am so tired of hearing that I need to know. I don't. The end.

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm deciding to ignore everything but what is right here. Today is the day that the four of us just hang out, watch a movie, eat a ridiculous amount of food, and be together before the next few days of craziness. Tomorrow and Boxing Day are spent at relatives' houses, so today is the day we're just us. Other things can just sit and wait for a few weeks.


Half Way! Half the Freaking Way!

I will never look as good as I did at seventeen...or so they say. I will also never be as carefree, as happy, as popular, or as lovely. Every day I get further and further past my prime. Or so they say.

If high school was really the best it will ever get, then I am in for some seriously crappy stuff. When I think of the insecurities and the masks that defined me then, it scares me to think of how unhappy I really was. Life looked perfect because I orchestrated it just so; on the inside I was dying. That cannot be the best there ever was or ever will be.

Today marks half way. Who thought. I did not.

Until this point, the greatest half way of my life was the first 40 day fast I ever did. Half way meant glorious peace and a humongous sense of accomplishment. This half way mark is slightly more than 40 days, however. 231. Today is 116. I did not think I would make it this far.

Tomorrow begins the downhill stroll to the finish line. I may "stroll" in the fetal position in a rolling manner, but stroll I will.

I will never be as relieved as I am today. Or so they say.


Woah! This Sex Is on Fire

I am more than 22.5 years old. Whew. Know what that makes me? Old.

Yes, old. Practically ancient. This is not another rant on how much I should have accomplished by 22. At least, not wholly. Sort of. This is an account of what my life should look like and does not. No fear, though! I promise to end on a positive note.

According to me at __, I should be:

7 - old and making money as a successful swimming lesson instructor.
9 - married to Matt Harvey and an elementary school teacher.
12 - graduated with a BA in something important that will get me somewhere big.
14 - anywhere but here.
15 - someone thrilling and crazy, doing body shots off of underwear models in Tahiti before returning to Canada to be famous.
16 - married with a kid and rich.
17 - famous and not alone.
18 - married to a pastor, famous of course, and planting churches.
19 - just not alone.
20 - graduated and a youth pastor.
21 - better...healthy...back to normal.
22 - anywhere but here.

A lot happened between 14 and 22, but apparently not much has changed.

But. Not to be all negative all over everything good in my life, there are actually good things going on. (In case you haven't noticed, I love lists lately.)

  1. I'm alone! Woot!
  2. I am taking myself on a cruise sometime in the next year. Sweet bliss. Not to Tahiti or with famous people, but just to be anywhere but here...and be well-fed doing it.
  3. I survived this semester and next will be 1000x easier.
  4. It is almost Christmas.
  5. I am not alone.
And that's about it for now.
Oh. And Ewan McGregor is sexy.
The end.


You Will Always Love Me even though You Know

Tonight I have the privilege of sleeping in a real bed that is only two feet off the ground, drinking tea with milk and sugar before bed from a chair that does not squeak, and just being. It is wonderful.

Doing my devos tonight (yes, it is once again back on track time), I came across the story of the woman caught in adultery. It's poignant and beautiful. She does not beg, he does not condemn or lay the guilt trip on nice and thick, and he simply tells her to go and sin no more. It gives me hope. No matter what may go on in my life, this is my relationship with Him. This is the way He sees me, even for crimes "lesser" than adultery. Amazing, I know.

Christmas in five days. Whew. Who knew we'd get back here.


Sweet Means Bad Butt...Poor Naked Guy, He should have Left His Clothes On

So, my life.

How do I stop the whirlwind?
I cannot.

Everyone is gone. I really should be, too.
And I am tired. I am so tired.

I need to be pro-active instead of passive.
Things I will do over Christmas break:
  1. Read some of Gone with the Wind.
  2. Go home today (Monday).
  3. Do some writing.
  4. Play piano.
  5. Go to bed before 1AM.
  6. Wake up before 12PM.
  7. Eat lots of baking.
  8. Do my physio work-outs.
  9. Stay in contact with the people I want to, and let go of the obligation for everyone else. I will see them soon anyways.
  10. Celebrate the half-way mark.
Yes I realize that for the most part these are rather ambiguous and it will probably be unclear whether or not I have actually accomplished what I set out to do, but I need goals! I don't care if they're MAP or SMART or whatever else they're "supposed to be," they will stop me from going crazy because I will have something to aim for and they will stop me from freaking out if I fail because I was not exactly specific to begin with.

Last additions:

  1. I will take the things given to me by doctors.
  2. I will read my Bible every day.
  3. I will do things I want to do without apologies.
  4. I will enjoy Christmas.
  5. And I guess I will finish my papers.

Okay. I am going to make it.


Your Skin and Bones Turn into Something Beautiful

This is an exercise in feeling. Inside Me wants to write some cute anecdote regarding this last semester that will make me feel better and impress the masses; New Me says shut up and listen to yourself. Therefore, I have nothing cute to say about this semester. It feels vaguely familiar...as in, it is not so different from the last two. The truth is, I really don't remember very much of it.

This last week alone has been quite the insane mess. Forget papers and exams and the things that drove me into the ground; forget my personal stand against the people who are supposed to be giving me my life back, which has only led me deeper. My space has become increasingly messier, my mind increasingly emptier, and the rest of me only finds itself more confused. But let's be realistic.

  • I got to cuddle with someone last night who I have missed very very much.
  • Banquet was actually fun...it didn't bring horrific flashbacks the way I was expecting.
  • I was able to give myself a little bit of grace and allow myself to not do my best on all assignments. And you know what? It feels so good.
  • My GPA is a bust.
  • I am incredibly confused about what next semester will look like because of all these new things racing around in my life.
  • Every time I hear that door to the outside close, I feel even more alone.
Why do I do this to myself every year?! I sit here until almost everyone is gone, feeling the agony of loss and not knowing why. If I would just leave the day after banquet, not on a plane or after hours and hours of travel but by driving the 15 minutes home, and say my goodbyes all at once...then, THEN this would be doable.

You know I love you so.


It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas

I just said good-bye to some of the most wonderful people in my world, and it hit me suddenly how like Christmas it suddenly feels. I love being here on campus when almost everyone is gone, but banquet just ended and everyone's jetting now. I walked down the hallway and realized how empty it feels...how empty I feel.

This is a dangerous place to be. It is 4:47 A.M. and I am completely fine. My days are reversing. Worth fixing again? Not sure. Worth all this current crap? Not sure.

I feel the weight. The big D is back, and it hurts. It is like a giant man is sitting on me and will not get up. Even when I grow strong, no matter how strong, I am still no match for him.

I am hungry, not really angry, lonely to the max, very tired and super whatever s stands for. Ugh. No wonder everything is in such disarray. No wonder I am so confused.

PS - When I said yes...
You know.


I Want to Take the Preconceived Out from Underneath Your Feet

There is so much to do so I have to go fast. Two exams tomorrow, two papers, a whole binder of work...and banquet. Hello, that time of year again. I have recently discovered something important about myself: it is okay to be no further along than I was this time last year. It is also okay to rejoice when I have actually grown.

Another recent epiphany: I am so happy to be single. Yes, a common theme lately, but nevertheless groundbreaking. I have spent my entire life trying desperately to not go at this alone and it has only ever turned out badly (hello! I'm single). Yet here I stand, relieved. Someone else's happiness is not resting on my shoulders. I am not turning into a bitchier version of myself because this guy who is supposed to remember things forgot something. I am free from that stuff. Actually, I think I would be free of it anyways because I am beyond over those kind of shenanigans, but still. No fear, baby.

Life still blows. I have too much going on. I have taken on too much, of course. I am wildly unsure of the future, as always. And yet. It is 12:41 in the AM and I am smiling. Go figure.


Do the Right Thing

I am not always the best at making the right decision when it needs to be made. In hindsight, I have epic confidence in knowing what should have happened; in forethought, there are no doubts in my mind; in the moment, I am hopeless.

Tonight I had several options. I could have lied or said what would have given me what I actually wanted or said a lot of things that would not have changed anything or ignored what I know to be right...or I had the option to be honest, open, respectful and act in integrity. I chose the latter.

Now I do not know where to go from here. I could not have picked a better outcome, but for whom? Ultimately, yes, this is best. I will not look back and regret being all those good things listed above.


Do you know those moments in movies that are flashed back to again and again and again because they were the turning point? It was in that crucial decision that the rest of the plot hinged. I am by no means trying to place tonight in that kind of light; it just feels like a shadow of that.

What if? can be extremely hard to swallow.

God. I am really glad in this moment that You know what You are doing, because I am beyond myself.


It's Such a Crying Shame, Will It Ever Stop?

Yesterday I wrote about shocking tears. Today they are violent tears. Tomorrow they will probably be homicidal. Watch your back.

Today I learned a lesson. Nothing I ever do will change anyone's mind about me. I can try and try and effort-myself to death, and the results will be...oh, right. I am still me. I cannot change me. I am stuck.
The football went in the net. I collapsed. Was I faking an injury or in a pile of agony? I lost all sense of truth.
Or am I the ball?

I am a metaphor. I compare things without like...or love. "As" would be inappropriate as well. I am the comparison without, the sunshine without, the Hail Mary without. Without. Without like.

In a fortnight I will be through with everything Christmas. Other things, too. Dangerous? Yes.


If Katy Says So, It must Be So

This could be me any day now. A few months ago = one grey hair. Two days ago = two new grey hairs. Today = one new grey hair. The first one I hastily plucked and ran into the hall screaming, but now I have become more calm.

The big question: to dye or not to dye? Or maybe I just have some horrible disease that is stealing my youth out from under me. I have crow's feet if you look close enough. Apparently no age is free from degeneration anymore.

Premature grey hair is hot...on guys. On me, no so much. It's like "Ugh! What is that?! Oh...hair. My bad."

I guess I will be dying my hair a lot younger than I ever planned to start. Lookout world! The full extent of the rainbow will be experienced in ret

Every Now and Then

How did December get here so fast? How did papers and exams and all of this stuff come together in such quick succession? Ack. And how surprised am I to find out how much different things are.

I decided to stop relying on certain things in the last few weeks, and it has changed things. Things have changed things. I cried tonight...I don't cry anymore, so it was kind of a shock. I had no idea.

Cryptic is my new middle name. I cannot wait for break. Things will continue to go up.


Day 101

A warning sign. I missed the good part, then I realized...I, uh, I started looking and the bubble burst. I started looking for excuses.

I am on the brink of something. It is a big something. My fingers are poised and I know something is about to explode out that I was never expecting because how could I possibly when I did not even know it was there?

Come on in! I've got to tell you what a state I'm in. I've got to tell you in my loudest tones.

When I am about to write - as I have just realized by observing my hands and the way they arch over the keys - my fingers feel the keys, and then take off. It reminds me of watching wonderful piano players who get the feel and it suddenly all comes back to them. Maybe this is a good case for reincarnation.

I started looking for a warning sign.

I do not want to blog anymore. Thus, the warning sign. I'm in this bad. On one side I am forced to act like a 70-year-old because otherwise I will die; on the other, I am five. It is sucking the life out of me.

When the truth is, I miss you.

1. I want to sleep all the time.

Yeah, the truth.

2. Feeling would be nice. I would do a lot right now just to feel.

I miss you so.

3. I do not want to blog anymore.

A warning sign. You came back to haunt me and I realized you were an island and I passed you by; you were an island to discover.

It is so much from every side. There is no freedom here. FREEDOM. William Wallace, rescue me. Do not let me awake in years to come wishing I could come back to today and fight. Give me liberty, or death. There is no in between. <- Lie. This is the in between.

And I'm tired. I should not have let you go.

Why do you insist on torturing me? Maybe you do not see it that way, but I do. Where do you get off?! It is not...fair. I live in the realm of fair and die by it. Be fair. Give someone else a chance. Give me a chance to come up for air.

So. Yes, I crawl back. And I crawl back in. Yes. I crawl back into your open arms.


That's just Who I Am This Week

I went cliff jumping a few years back. I was supposed to go somewhere in the middle of the group, but suddenly all the people going after me ran and jumped off, leaving me alone. I stood up there for so long, staring sixty feet down into the blue-grey water and wondering how much it would hurt if I tripped and fell wrong and died. I stood there for what felt like hours, but was probably more like fifteen minutes. At some point, though, I realized the fear was gone. I knew the promises God had over my life and decided He wouldn't let me die yet (it was only in the air that I realized I could still end up paralyzed). So I ran and jumped. I thought I would scream, but it came out more as a yell of triumph. It was the most exhilarating few seconds of my life.

I didn't know this until later, but apparently I just missed the rocks at the bottom. I nearly killed myself for the rush but there was absolutely no regret. By the time I jumped there was no fear, only trust.

I am ready to jump, fall, whatever. I've stood on the ledge so long. Whatever the consequences, the fear is gone. Let me jump.


I've Been Dying to Tell You Anything You Want to Hear


I have a million billion trillion things to do, and that is just the homework. Forget about how I cannot go a day without Starbucks or all the random little things I have to do that I really should have done a long time ago or my devotions that I cannot skip because whenever I do I feel like crap and not just because I am obligated but because I miss Him or stupid stuff like laundry or all this stupid car stuff that I just cannot deal with right now or the crazy ridiculous number of appointments I have to go to and how they never seem to end or make anything better or gratis or doing things that actually make me feel good.

I'm in one of those moods again. It's the kind where I want to jump in my car (shut up) and drive along the coast until I get somewhere warm enough to wear a dress and take off my shoes to walk in the waves and eat away all my money and dye my hair blond and fall in love with some wonderful man who doesn't know who I have been and write music and write books and surf and maybe even get a tan. Right now.

But, I cannot.
Big sigh (it's been a big sigh week).
1. I have no car.
2. I have school.
3. I am in debt and therefore don't even have money to eat away.
4. Dresses can be overrated.
5. As if. You know.
6. I have no freaking car.

So. Where does that leave me? Well, lots of papers and assignments of exams. Drivingless, which is usually how I work out my issues. In a ridiculous-for-having-no-snow cold climate. Dressless. Manless. Here.

I guess I could still go blond, though.


Am I More than You Bargained for Yet?

think I am finally in a place of accepting that it was not a mistake to come back to school this year.
have no desire to ever go to bed because as soon as I get in I never want to get out (and I want to be out).
love how things are constantly shifting.
am living in a constant state of trepidation over how this will all play out regarding my car and everything that goes with it.
thrill to think of how many people are actually in in my life this year and it gives me joy and hope.
do not yet know how I will spend my Christmas holidays, but I am not worried. No matter how I end up spending my time, the break will be worth it.

I am continuously nervous that I will just fall into one of those horrible situations that have plagued me the last few years. It's tiring to constantly be on the look-out for danger. I want the freedom of expression I have had when there is no fear. Ah, but that goes back to the whole passion dealio. I just sighed really big. Things will not get the better of me!


I Keep Saying I Will Go to Bed Early, and Every Night without Fail I Fail...Oh, and It Is December

How do I even begin to explain today? Sleep in, breakfast bagel, things I forget, back to sleep, sleep in, quick shower, sad things, bad lunch, hairy legs and other things, cold, cold, FREEZING cold, umbrella that is big, dollar figure that is low, coffee, heat, hot shower, too hot, dece dinner, concert radio, stupid me, stupid who the frick do you think you are?!, procrastination, unexpectedly awesome pizza, conversation that was almost all without ruination, procrastination, blog. Or I could just sum it up in two little words: bad choices.

I cannot make myself make the right ones. I sleep when I know I cannot afford to and put off sleep when I am exhausted, just because I can. I eat things that are horrible for me and throw out half plates of food because I just cannot stomach it. I say the things that make me kick myself later and do not say the things that would finally give me peace. I allow someone who has already stolen so much of me to stomp on my face with a big boot. This all to say that I suck at decisions and I suck at writing things good. Or well, for that matter.

Oh, and it's December. Fina-fricken-tutely. Maybe this month will make sense.

Breathe. Release first and second paragraphs into the universe. Zen. Or something like it. ...There needs to be a Leanne Dictionary.
Note to self: make one.


Hello, Passion, and All the Ways You Destroy Me

Our greatest strengths are so often the set-up for our greatest downfalls. It is that which drives us that also has the potential to drive us into the ground. The things that fire us up reduce us to ashes. That which is my personal spice for life wrecks the whole pot of sauce. It goes on and on.

It took me a long time to figure out my greatest strength, my driving force, my fire, my spice...and with the realization came such an enlightening moment of clarity. Passion. About what? Half the time I have no idea! But anything I care about at all, I care about with such a huge part of myself that, soon enough, I cannot see where it ends and I begin. I just get fired up and it consumes me. That is why I have to be so careful what I care about.

When I look back over the last several years and see the disaster zone that was my personal minefield of relationships, it's not hard to see why it was so harmful and toxic. I come to care for someone, really care, and it consumes me. It's who I am. That isn't to say that I cannot separate myself from someone, or that it in any way turns into an obsession. Not by a long shot. But I commit; I commit to making something work and then I am driven to make this thing last. I kill myself with my greatest attribute.

Ministry is like that for me. Right now I am staring down the barrel of a new gun and it terrifies me. It becomes such an integral part of my life and then, if it ends, a part of me dies with it. I want to be a woman so consumed with ministry that I cannot focus on any other future plans until it is the right time. But how? How in the world do I give myself to something when I know that its flames will take me down?

People say I have strong, even brutal, opinions. I make no apologies for these opinions, only for the coldness of my delivery at times. I do not go in something half way. I do not coast my way through anything. Even in the midst of depression, I sink into it with all the weight I can throw. It's sadistic and, well, dark and twisty. Yet here I stand, with my all in everything I do, and that has to be okay. I may wreck everything by throwing all my chilies in one pot, but no one can say I held back.

Dilemma. If this strength is what is killing me, do I cut it loose (and in the process lose an integral part of what makes me who I am) or run the huge risk of burying myself alive with all this over-zealous shoveling? The shovel feels right in my hand. And even on days when I hate who I am...I love who I am. I love the person who makes me so detestable and so very wonderful in the same breath. I am struggling right now with trying to suppress who I am to please others. These are the others who count. I need to stay in school, remember? I need to go on tour. I need to live out this aspect of my calling. But. Oh, the hugest of buts! I need to live! I need to breathe in air and breathe out something extraordinary. To reign that in is to not be true to who He has made me to be. I cannot take that lightly anymore. The calling on my life is so far beyond settling above mediocre; settling does not compute in my existential life quota.

If I do not let the flames spread to everything I do and everyone I touch, it will consume me from the inside out. I thought the walking dead was bad; burning alive is so much worse.


It's Not His Price to Pay

So in the last few days, so many encouraging people have told me how much I have changed over the last several months. It's given me hope that even if I do not see it, at least others do. Well, some of them.

Tomorrow life starts up again and I need to deal with the issues of last week. Hoo-rah. I cannot let it get me down, though. Situations have to stop having the power to get the best of me.

There are so many things I want to change and I get discouraged when these things stay the same, but I have to be content knowing that things are moving along and in time stuff will progress in a positive direction. I am being so vague it's ridiculous. Um...nevermind. I went to explain but realized my brain is blank.

So. Breathe. It will not always be this way. Smile. Someday it will all be worth it.


When You Smile at Me, It's All that I Ever Need

It's almost the end of November, which means one thing: I get to feel like a woman again. Woot! Shaved legs and make-up do wonders to self-confidence.

Actually, it means another thing. Only three weeks left of school, and I have no idea how I am going to finish everything I need to do to pass. That's silly, of course I will pass...I just won't do well.

There's really nothing to say about anything.

Except. Except that I feel like a ridiculous fool every time, without fail. Stop smiling so I can too.


Tied Together with a Smile but She's Coming Undone

I have a giant paper to write, plenty of time for once, and I cannot make myself do it.

Diet Pepsi...lime
wings over snow in darkness
really bad haiku

So apparently writing itself is not the issue. I can put dirt on a page without a problem. What is it then? The lack of something substantial to say?

Ahem. Why?

That was substantial. Possible the most substantial thing ever said. Also not the issue. Maybe my heart is just heavier than my hands.


That sounds about right.

I'm Holding Every Breath for You

Reading my last post makes me ridiculous sad. I should have known that the tranquility never lasts longer than a single blog post, at least not in my world. I felt like I was making progress; not necessarily progress as others would measure progress, but progress by my standards. I have been getting to a place of smiling at my own thoughts again.

Yesterday was a rocking day. And by rocking I mean earth-shaking in the worst way. Now I am left with a perpetual prognosis, a car that is more than just a possible liability (Cameron's death is imminent, to my despair; to his credit he really did try so hard), and a sense that stability has left the building. I laugh ridiculously loud at the things that are not funny according to anyone else; I threaten violence and almost go through with it, not because I want to hurt someone but because maybe it will make me feel something real; I cannot grasp conversations, even mid-sentence (mine). I am once again a walking time bomb.

I WANT TO BE BETTER! I want this to be over. This season is killing me, slowly but surely. One step forward, two steps back; one step forward, which gives me a desperate hope that this will not be me forever, and two steps back beyond the last worst-it-can-get until I become this cynical hope-less shell of a person who does not dare to dream it will ever end. I have taken one back. The snow came: step forward. A day of horribleness to its utmost came: step back. I cannot afford to take another one or I do not want to imagine who I will be. Knowing me, it could be as bad as the dark days if I do not keep proper perspective.

It's 1:22A.M. and I am alone, in the dark (of a finally, miraculously warm room), crying dry tears because this cannot be real. I have been fooling myself to think that I was moving out of the desert or that Freedom Session has been a step in the right direction or that I could maybe possibly sometime in the near future hopefully get off these ---- or that a man might ever want me as I am.

Ah, the inevitable sidenote. I am not looking. I am far from looking for a man. But that does not help me from seeing. What I see hurts...a lot. I see something, or at least a glimpse of a something, and - for the briefest of moments that somehow spans an eternity of a day - I have hope. *DASH* Oh, don't mind me, that was just my hopes being DASHed on the rocks...does that mean I am Israel in this situation or the baby? It is amazing to me that after all this time I still believe someone will want me the way I am. I am used to guys wanting me because they find me exciting and whatever else, and then suddenly realizing that behind the excitement is a girl who desperately wants to be loved...and that is apparently too much to handle. Today alone I saw two examples. Is it so crazy to think that there is a man out there who might see all that I am and still want me with those things? Yes. Yes, it is. THIS ^^^ is too much. And I am not enough to make up the difference.

It's 1:29A.M. and I am still here. It's 1:30A.M. and I am waking up in five hours. How do I put this into words for the person who needs to know? I don't know how.
I'm floundering.


I've Found I'm Scared to Know I'm Always on Your Mind

Snow really does fix everything. On Friday, sitting in Tim Horton's, I was able to see the sky transform from a dusting of white to a full on blizzard. Being out after that (even while I was being face-washed again and again) was the happiest I have been since...well, since Toronto. And we all know h0w fun that was. It has just been so long since I could really feel anything, but when God pours out His storehouses I am so aware of Him. It's like my God-sense tingles out of control and I cannot stand it. When I smell the snow it is so fresh and so crisp, and all I can think is how this is what it must have smelled like when everything came to be.

My life has been changing so rapidly lately in directions I was not expecting. Part of me is scared to death; I know that if things do not continue to go up, I may never again figure out how to get here again, let alone back to the mountain.

Hallelujah that none of this rests on a boy or a friend, on anyone or anything else. My life is getting back on track, and I am exactly one month away from being half way through this leg of the journey. And I am excited for what is coming.


Day 82

That is 35.49%. And I am frustrated.

I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be. ...I am.

Yesterday's blog, reading it now with fresh eyes, hurts. It hurts to read, hurts to realize that it is really the condition of my heart. I hoped that releasing it out into the universe would help, but it hasn't. Every single time, another piece of me dies and I need to work to raise it from the dead. I sound pathetic, but I assure you I am not; I am extremely level-headed in this matter for the most part and I am under no illusions.

But why does it do this to me then? Why has it left me limping, clutching my chest, and without fingers that only know how to type painful, ironic diatribes. I need to walk so I can get away; I need to have a heart that works so I can love someone deserving and give God what He demands; and, I need need need to type papers so that I can pass this semester and be done with it.

Please, please, leave me alone. Amazing how not so far in the past I would have done nearly anything not to be, and now it is all I want in the world.

Leave me alone.


Leave. Me. ALONE!

I should be writing a paper right now, but I am actually so bothered that I am incapable of doing so until I get this off my chest.


I'm tired of this. Sick and tired. You have no respect for me whatsoever. You didn't then, and you sure as hell don't know. Don't feed me crap about caring or being sorry or whatever else you've come up with. This whole not talking thing is not ending any time soon. It's been months and I still don't think it's been long enough to feel enough of a gap between us. What exactly runs through your mind in situations like these? Options:
A) Maybe she's not mad anymore. I am. More so than I thought.
B) Because she won't talk to me, I'll send her cruel, lying messages when I look at her. I hated you lying before, and it's no more acceptable now.
C) Because she won't talk to me, I'll send her highly inappropriate messages through my eyes that I fully mean. Inappropriate. Keep your eyes to yourself.
D) As if I haven't made her life a living hell as it is, I will actively make it worse and bring up all her worst memories so that they are rubbed in her face at every possible opportunity. Ouch.
I don't know if any of these are true, maybe all of them are just speculation. If so, I do not want to know what the truth is. Or maybe at some point they're all true. If so...like I said, leave me alone.

I am not a grudge person in general, so these big emotions surprise and almost scare me. I thought I was beyond this. But then again, I thought you were too.

Ugh! Enough! I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want someone else to control me even in the slightest. I want to move past this and get on with my life, without you in it. I don't know what else to say. Most of the time...I just pity you. That saddens me, possibly more than anything else.

A plea. You may never see this. But still, a plea. Just...leave me be. I am trying to heal, not just from you but from everything else life has thrown at me. Let me do that in peace. I cannot afford to feel this bad anymore.



I Tried My Best to Be Guarded, but I'm an Open Book Instead

I am slowly coming to the realization that I can never go back.

There are so many things I would change if I could, so many precautions I would have taken, so many wise words I would have told myself. I will never again relive the "glory days," which, without the glare of nostalgia, really weren't so glorious after all; I will never relive the dark days, which, at the time, contained some of my most precious moments. I can never again be the Leanne who gave her heart to Jesus in the earnest hope that her life would turn around. We are so far beyond that now.

The more I discover about God, the more He thrills me. I read His name and feel my heart turn wildly inside of my chest, as someone so eloquently put it. I am falling in love with Him for who He is, not who I want Him to be or who it would be more convenient for Him to be or what He could do for me. Just Him. And it's rocking my world.

Part of my issue right now with only three more weeks of school this semester is trying to stay focused when all I want to do is sit down and read my Bible for hours on end. I want to read books that go deep into who He is, not just scratch the surface in an overview attempt at explaining a concept to people who haven't yet begun that journey. I want so much more right now! I haven't had passion about anything in so long, but last night as I discussed my views on some controversial topics, I felt a part of myself start to breathe again. I may have been too pushy at some points, and for that I apologize, but it was just so exciting to know I was excited about something! And it wasn't just any something.

Okay, I need to sleep now. If I want any energy with which to properly live each day so I have time for the things I want - let's be real, when it becomes as essential as breathing it is now a need - and not just the things necessary for passing courses that I will most likely forget about in a year's time. I want to learn, but so much more than that I want to fall deeper into Him. It will take my whole life to learn how to do it right, and then it will only be the start of an even grander adventure as I move on to the real story of my existence.

So if I continuously bring up the same topics, I...well, I don't apologize, but I am sorry if it bothers you. I am just so enthralled with this stuff that I can't help but talk about it.


Could You Get It back Again? Would It Be the Same?

Do you ever have those days where absolutely nothing seems good enough. It's not a question, because I cannot be alone in this. Not in this, too.

One moment in the morning makes everything feel in line, like for that one minute my life is exactly where it is supposed to be. To that other person it was probably a passing comment that was forgotten two minutes later, but to me it was the only good thing in my day. From then on, it was as though I was spending every minute trying to get that feeling back again. I failed miserably.

These blogs are so depressing lately. Ugh. I want to be happy. I want what I write to reflect how I live; as things stand, I am fine all day until I sit down and it all breaks loose. You know how people tell their kids that if they make that face too long it'll stay that way? If I stay strong too long, I will stay that way.

I am damaged at best, like You've already figured out.

Thank God that He doesn't view me as irredeemable. I am an open book to Him. There is nothing inside me that is hidden. And. And even like that, filleted on the cutting board before Him, He looks at me in love. He doesn't see the sin anymore! I just have to stop walking around with it as my rose-coloured glasses.

I'm hanging on another day just to see what You will throw my way. And I'm hanging on to the words You say: You said that I will be okay.