Firm through the Fiercest Drought and Storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace when fears are stilled and strivings cease.

It is terrifying to fall into the hands of the living God, as one wise and inspired man once wrote, but I say that it is also terrifying to put anything of mine in His hands. My thoughts, my dreams, my deepest desires, my life...all these things feel best when grasped by my own feeble, mortal hands. If only I could see how vainly I struggle to hold onto that which was never mine in the first place. And then there are His hands. They hold all these things and more. As they encircle me, gently holding both me and all the things I grasp so tight, He asks me to consciously hand over that which He already holds; it is not for His benefit, but for mine. I have the lightened load of not having to carry my burdens any longer, but look! They are still right there. He does not take to hurt me, but to help me manage that which I never held to begin with. The Master of destinies who holds everything in His capable hands becomes the Director of my life, not just in word but in heart attitude. It really is all about the heart.

He is teaching me many things, the greatest of which when I am planning a message and realize that if I speak without taking it to heart, I will be a gargantuan hypocrite. If nothing else, I will leave with a greater sense of who He is in my life. And of course there is also else.

Your Love Is Extravagant

Today is one of those rare days that I truly feel at peace. My word for it is usually "zen" (despite the negative religious conotations) because when I say zen, I feel zen. You feel me? ...But either way you slice it, it's still peace.

It's that kind of day that comes along once, twice, three times a year - or maybe I'm just the only one who suffers from a complex that leaves me needing to be in control and unwilling to hand things off to God, despite His obviously superior skills - and just catches me by surprise.

I love surprises! But, as anyone who knows me well knows, I am extremely hard to surprise. I always wreck the surprise for myself (maybe my brain has too many synapses...or is that even possible?) because I analyze the frankincense out of every situation. I cannot just be.

But today. Oh, today. I just...was. And God surprised me. I found myself in the bathroom after a long day of work and sadness at Germany's unexpected surrender just when they were getting good at taking over (my gosh, it's a pattern!) and treadmilling to get a truffle and I was sweaty and humid and just getting out of the shower when it hit me: I am going to be okay. If I never get married and never have kids (that one came out slow and hurt a little) and never start another church...it'll be okay. I will probably cry and complain at some point, but at this moment I know it'll be alright.

"Whom have I in heaven but Thee? And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:25,26).

Bam! Heaven isn't worth getting to if my goal isn't Him; at the end of it all, my portion of the inheritance is only Him. "And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth;" that one hits hard. To desire nothing but Him...it sounds impossible, but I get it. Not the logical me, but the soul me. Deep down I think I might be beginning to understand.

It's That Time of Night Again

Once again it's after 3 AM and the call to blog is stronger than the call of my bed. I spent the night with a good friend, accomplished an item on my wishlist, and conquered one of my New Year's Resolutions. Score.

I got home at about 3, and spent over 20 minutes plucking my eyebrows (the tiredness might have contributed to how long it took). Then I contemplated finishing a movie I started earlier, but decided against it (which I am now extremely thankful for).

But the real reason I'm here at this awful hour. At one point today, sitting, accomplishing something, I was suddenly myself in a way I never have been before. It was bizarre and confusing and strangely peaceful. I am a BADA**! Which I realize is negated by my use of *s. But the point remains the same! I discovered myself in the fulfilling of a dream that's not on most people's top tens. And the red nailpolish was the kicker.

I'm simple to impress, I guess, even when it's me vying for my own approval.

I've Got a Feeling

Not meant to refer to the song. I wrote it, realized, but knew that this couldn't be titled anything else.

I'm sitting around, waiting on a miracle. Sure there are things I could be doing to pass the time so I don't have to think about these things so much, but unfortunately it always seems to creep up through my subconscious. Money has never been something I've ever had trouble trusting God with. He's always come through, and I've never doubted. Yet suddenly, when my back account is down to $7.92 and my pay cheque is not what I was hoping and it's only a few days before Christmas with gifts left to buy, tuition is only 3 weeks away, and my first rent cheque is due in 2...well I've been a little nervous. Especially when other people are telling me to plan for the worst and be prepared that I may not get the money I need. I try to explain that that is just not the way I operate, that faith is what I've chosen to live by; they don't understand the way I'd hoped they would.

All I know at the moment is that I have enough to get me through today. Probably enough to last me until the New Year. So why worry? God has pulled more amazing stuff out of His infinite hat before; $3600 is nothing to Him.

I just have absolute peace that some way, somehow, He's going to make this happen. So who am I to doubt? ...and maybe my faith in this area of my life will help me to trust in other areas as well. I'm not letting go of this hope.

Joy, Baby, Joy!

This one is free for anyone to read, because I am so unbelievably happy. I have been praying for peace above all else, a peace that passes understanding, and that is exactly what He has given me! I don't know if you can feel the enthusiasm oozing out of me, but I'm telling you that just being in my presence right now would probably make you giddy. I am over the moon in love with Him, and the things He is showing me are blowing me away.

He has given me new reason to live; rearranged my thinking and removed my premisconceptions. Rather than just believing something because I want to and I think it lines up with His will for me, now I KNOW.

You read me right, I KNOW. And it is the most wonderful feeling in the entire world. No doubt, no indecision, no areas that are lacking in peace. He has given me the most unspeakable joy. I could go on, but nothing could do this justice. I finally love Him the way I'm supposed to, and it feels SO good.

Empty

I messed up really bad. I was less than truthful with one of my best friends, and now he's not ever going to talk to me again. I don't blame him. It just hurts SO BAD knowing it's my own fault. And there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I've always thought myself to be good with words. I can pen my thoughts with precision when called to do so, and I rarely fumble to express my inner workings. But today. Today words failed me. There was not one thing I could say in the entire world to convince him that I was wrong, so horribly wrong, but that there might be room for forgiveness.

This is humiliation to the max. I didn't think it could get worse, until I realized everyone knows. I don't blame him for telling people, but I blame me for giving him something to tell them about. So I'm in this isolated darkness, full of regret and shame over things I cannot change. But I'm going to try.

I need to get right with God. If I can draw all of this back to one place, it's my not being right with Him. This is obviously going to take a lot of healing time, and nothing will ever change if I don't give it up to God. He made me, He made him, and He gets it all. He gets the condition of each of our hearts, and He's not biased. He's hurting with him even as He hurts with me.

I am so selfish. When I look at all of this, it spells one thing: SELFISH. I was only thinking of myself. And by the time I started caring for someone more than myself, it was too late. The damage was done. And I'm left with this aching emptiness in my chest that cries out: "What if I was wrong?" Not wrong about hurting him, I know that I did; I know I messed up too bad to ever be properly made right. I mean...what if I overlooked what is good, just because I couldn't see it? What if I was the one holding me back from having peace?

What if I was wrong?

Phoenix Day 4

This picture looks almost identical to a picture I took today, except it wasn't at sunrise. This leads me to believe one of two things:
a. It was taken at the same location I was at today, or
b. It was taken freaking anywhere in Arizona because every cactus and horizon and desert space look exactly the same!

Today we went to a Greek Orthodox monastery. To be honest, I didn't really want to go. Mostly I just didn't know what to expect, and the dress is less than to be desired (oh, didn't I mention that I went to stay in an Amish community?). But I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I felt as at peace as I did in that place. Fountains everywhere, beautiful architecture, art and decor all from Greece, and the most amazing vegetation I've ever seen. Everything smelled wonderful, and even the children sensed the need to walk softly and speak in whispers. In that moment I considered becoming a nun.

But who am I kidding?

It really was amazing, though. Despite the migraine. I've had a near-constant migraine since the night I got here, and I can't shake it. I think it has to do with a combo of random eating times and blinding sunshine.

Tomorrow is pool day. We're going to sit by the pool all day because it's supposed to reach about 20 celsius, and I'm going to finish my Holy Spirit book. That's the goal. I've also been told that I don't need to bother shaving my legs because everyone here is so old they won't be able to tell anyway. This is def my kind of place.

Despite the constantly beautiful weather (I haven't seen a cloud yet) and the t-shirt temperatures, I miss snow. My body isn't cut out for warm winters. As much as I'm enjoying the rest, I can't wait to get back.