Who You Are is not Where You've Been

2010: A Summary

J - School...and moving away from school.
F - School?
M - School.
A - School, freedom!
M - Wedding!
J - Roadtrip
J - Toronto
A - Toronto, Home
S - School
O - School?
N - Reading break!
D - Christmas!

In short, it was...quite a year. This is positivity, even when it is difficult. For more info, please see blogs January 1 through December 30/2010.
Next year will be better.



Karma, Zen, Bite Me

Just going through some old documents, found my New Year's Resolutions for 2010. Ironic time to find it, I guess.

In summation, I did gain 10 pounds...for awhile; I took up a bad habit, dropped it, picked it up briefly, dropped it, and am currently deciding if now is a good time again; I absolutely did not work out every day...possibly one day?; opened my Bible more than once...almost every day for six months; I for sure ate and drank "whatever the flip I wanted"; I did not fall in love forever and "forealziez"; and, I do not really feel better about myself.

Half is pretty darn good.

New Year's Resolutions for 2011:
  1. Finally attain the perfect liquid line.
  2. Have a job that lasts more than a month.
  3. Buy a new car.
  4. Stop eating and drinking whatever the flip I feel like.
  5. Don't just open my Bible, really read it.
  6. Stop putting pressure on myself to fall in love forever and forealziez.
  7. Continue working on my dictionary (which, PS, is in the works).
  8. Stay in school.

Wow, lots to accomplish in a year.
Oh! And if you still have not bought me a Christmas gift (which I am infinitely hurt by, btws), you could do wonderful things about number three.


Eleven Days Remaining

Christmas is over again. I got enough awesome stuff to last till V-Day, almost won $2 on my scratch-and-win, and only gained two pounds. Apparently I am also officially part of my dad's side of the family now that I own Canucks paraphernalia...go me.

School is almost back, and I still have papers to do. What a ridiculous mess. I don't think I've accomplished anything I promised myself I would do. Oops. I don't really know what else to say. Um. Lots of movies have been watched! ...Yeah.

PS - Do the math.


What Do You Wanna Marry Me for Anyhow?

So I can kiss you any time I want.

I fall in love with things, make myself love them more than necessary, and then deprive myself and wonder why my life is painfully empty. I am currently rediscovering one of my greatest lost loves: drawing. I forgot how good it makes me feel, how accomplished. This is freedom.

I am now revising my winter plans. From this point on, if I have it my way, I want to only stay here and do the same thing all day. If you love me at all, do not ask me to do anything else. If you hate me at all, just try to stop me. Then I will laugh in your face when you fail and I am worth billions.

I am exhausted and stuffed (see continuous feeding Dec. 24 from 4:20pm-12:45am; Dec. 25 3:00pm-now?) and high on life, drunk on smoked salmon, coked-out on hairspray. All in all, this leaves me with the insane desire to do something crazy; thankfully my greatest insanity at the moment begs for clear pencil lines.

Can we just kiss already and get it over with?


Maybe I'm Amazed at the Way I Need You

It's Christmas Eve, and where are my thoughts? But of course.

My head is a giant maze lately. Figuring out likelihoods, punching through walls to see what is on the other side, trying to be my own crystal ball...these have all been constants as of late.

The potential conclusion: I don't know. I don't know! Brilliant. Exactly defines the place at which I stand. I am so tired of hearing that I need to know. I don't. The end.

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm deciding to ignore everything but what is right here. Today is the day that the four of us just hang out, watch a movie, eat a ridiculous amount of food, and be together before the next few days of craziness. Tomorrow and Boxing Day are spent at relatives' houses, so today is the day we're just us. Other things can just sit and wait for a few weeks.


Half Way! Half the Freaking Way!

I will never look as good as I did at seventeen...or so they say. I will also never be as carefree, as happy, as popular, or as lovely. Every day I get further and further past my prime. Or so they say.

If high school was really the best it will ever get, then I am in for some seriously crappy stuff. When I think of the insecurities and the masks that defined me then, it scares me to think of how unhappy I really was. Life looked perfect because I orchestrated it just so; on the inside I was dying. That cannot be the best there ever was or ever will be.

Today marks half way. Who thought. I did not.

Until this point, the greatest half way of my life was the first 40 day fast I ever did. Half way meant glorious peace and a humongous sense of accomplishment. This half way mark is slightly more than 40 days, however. 231. Today is 116. I did not think I would make it this far.

Tomorrow begins the downhill stroll to the finish line. I may "stroll" in the fetal position in a rolling manner, but stroll I will.

I will never be as relieved as I am today. Or so they say.


Woah! This Sex Is on Fire

I am more than 22.5 years old. Whew. Know what that makes me? Old.

Yes, old. Practically ancient. This is not another rant on how much I should have accomplished by 22. At least, not wholly. Sort of. This is an account of what my life should look like and does not. No fear, though! I promise to end on a positive note.

According to me at __, I should be:

7 - old and making money as a successful swimming lesson instructor.
9 - married to Matt Harvey and an elementary school teacher.
12 - graduated with a BA in something important that will get me somewhere big.
14 - anywhere but here.
15 - someone thrilling and crazy, doing body shots off of underwear models in Tahiti before returning to Canada to be famous.
16 - married with a kid and rich.
17 - famous and not alone.
18 - married to a pastor, famous of course, and planting churches.
19 - just not alone.
20 - graduated and a youth pastor.
21 - better...healthy...back to normal.
22 - anywhere but here.

A lot happened between 14 and 22, but apparently not much has changed.

But. Not to be all negative all over everything good in my life, there are actually good things going on. (In case you haven't noticed, I love lists lately.)

  1. I'm alone! Woot!
  2. I am taking myself on a cruise sometime in the next year. Sweet bliss. Not to Tahiti or with famous people, but just to be anywhere but here...and be well-fed doing it.
  3. I survived this semester and next will be 1000x easier.
  4. It is almost Christmas.
  5. I am not alone.
And that's about it for now.
Oh. And Ewan McGregor is sexy.
The end.


You Will Always Love Me even though You Know

Tonight I have the privilege of sleeping in a real bed that is only two feet off the ground, drinking tea with milk and sugar before bed from a chair that does not squeak, and just being. It is wonderful.

Doing my devos tonight (yes, it is once again back on track time), I came across the story of the woman caught in adultery. It's poignant and beautiful. She does not beg, he does not condemn or lay the guilt trip on nice and thick, and he simply tells her to go and sin no more. It gives me hope. No matter what may go on in my life, this is my relationship with Him. This is the way He sees me, even for crimes "lesser" than adultery. Amazing, I know.

Christmas in five days. Whew. Who knew we'd get back here.


Sweet Means Bad Butt...Poor Naked Guy, He should have Left His Clothes On

So, my life.

How do I stop the whirlwind?
I cannot.

Everyone is gone. I really should be, too.
And I am tired. I am so tired.

I need to be pro-active instead of passive.
Things I will do over Christmas break:
  1. Read some of Gone with the Wind.
  2. Go home today (Monday).
  3. Do some writing.
  4. Play piano.
  5. Go to bed before 1AM.
  6. Wake up before 12PM.
  7. Eat lots of baking.
  8. Do my physio work-outs.
  9. Stay in contact with the people I want to, and let go of the obligation for everyone else. I will see them soon anyways.
  10. Celebrate the half-way mark.
Yes I realize that for the most part these are rather ambiguous and it will probably be unclear whether or not I have actually accomplished what I set out to do, but I need goals! I don't care if they're MAP or SMART or whatever else they're "supposed to be," they will stop me from going crazy because I will have something to aim for and they will stop me from freaking out if I fail because I was not exactly specific to begin with.

Last additions:

  1. I will take the things given to me by doctors.
  2. I will read my Bible every day.
  3. I will do things I want to do without apologies.
  4. I will enjoy Christmas.
  5. And I guess I will finish my papers.

Okay. I am going to make it.


Your Skin and Bones Turn into Something Beautiful

This is an exercise in feeling. Inside Me wants to write some cute anecdote regarding this last semester that will make me feel better and impress the masses; New Me says shut up and listen to yourself. Therefore, I have nothing cute to say about this semester. It feels vaguely familiar...as in, it is not so different from the last two. The truth is, I really don't remember very much of it.

This last week alone has been quite the insane mess. Forget papers and exams and the things that drove me into the ground; forget my personal stand against the people who are supposed to be giving me my life back, which has only led me deeper. My space has become increasingly messier, my mind increasingly emptier, and the rest of me only finds itself more confused. But let's be realistic.

  • I got to cuddle with someone last night who I have missed very very much.
  • Banquet was actually fun...it didn't bring horrific flashbacks the way I was expecting.
  • I was able to give myself a little bit of grace and allow myself to not do my best on all assignments. And you know what? It feels so good.
  • My GPA is a bust.
  • I am incredibly confused about what next semester will look like because of all these new things racing around in my life.
  • Every time I hear that door to the outside close, I feel even more alone.
Why do I do this to myself every year?! I sit here until almost everyone is gone, feeling the agony of loss and not knowing why. If I would just leave the day after banquet, not on a plane or after hours and hours of travel but by driving the 15 minutes home, and say my goodbyes all at once...then, THEN this would be doable.

You know I love you so.


It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas

I just said good-bye to some of the most wonderful people in my world, and it hit me suddenly how like Christmas it suddenly feels. I love being here on campus when almost everyone is gone, but banquet just ended and everyone's jetting now. I walked down the hallway and realized how empty it feels...how empty I feel.

This is a dangerous place to be. It is 4:47 A.M. and I am completely fine. My days are reversing. Worth fixing again? Not sure. Worth all this current crap? Not sure.

I feel the weight. The big D is back, and it hurts. It is like a giant man is sitting on me and will not get up. Even when I grow strong, no matter how strong, I am still no match for him.

I am hungry, not really angry, lonely to the max, very tired and super whatever s stands for. Ugh. No wonder everything is in such disarray. No wonder I am so confused.

PS - When I said yes...
You know.


I Want to Take the Preconceived Out from Underneath Your Feet

There is so much to do so I have to go fast. Two exams tomorrow, two papers, a whole binder of work...and banquet. Hello, that time of year again. I have recently discovered something important about myself: it is okay to be no further along than I was this time last year. It is also okay to rejoice when I have actually grown.

Another recent epiphany: I am so happy to be single. Yes, a common theme lately, but nevertheless groundbreaking. I have spent my entire life trying desperately to not go at this alone and it has only ever turned out badly (hello! I'm single). Yet here I stand, relieved. Someone else's happiness is not resting on my shoulders. I am not turning into a bitchier version of myself because this guy who is supposed to remember things forgot something. I am free from that stuff. Actually, I think I would be free of it anyways because I am beyond over those kind of shenanigans, but still. No fear, baby.

Life still blows. I have too much going on. I have taken on too much, of course. I am wildly unsure of the future, as always. And yet. It is 12:41 in the AM and I am smiling. Go figure.


Do the Right Thing

I am not always the best at making the right decision when it needs to be made. In hindsight, I have epic confidence in knowing what should have happened; in forethought, there are no doubts in my mind; in the moment, I am hopeless.

Tonight I had several options. I could have lied or said what would have given me what I actually wanted or said a lot of things that would not have changed anything or ignored what I know to be right...or I had the option to be honest, open, respectful and act in integrity. I chose the latter.

Now I do not know where to go from here. I could not have picked a better outcome, but for whom? Ultimately, yes, this is best. I will not look back and regret being all those good things listed above.


Do you know those moments in movies that are flashed back to again and again and again because they were the turning point? It was in that crucial decision that the rest of the plot hinged. I am by no means trying to place tonight in that kind of light; it just feels like a shadow of that.

What if? can be extremely hard to swallow.

God. I am really glad in this moment that You know what You are doing, because I am beyond myself.


It's Such a Crying Shame, Will It Ever Stop?

Yesterday I wrote about shocking tears. Today they are violent tears. Tomorrow they will probably be homicidal. Watch your back.

Today I learned a lesson. Nothing I ever do will change anyone's mind about me. I can try and try and effort-myself to death, and the results will be...oh, right. I am still me. I cannot change me. I am stuck.
The football went in the net. I collapsed. Was I faking an injury or in a pile of agony? I lost all sense of truth.
Or am I the ball?

I am a metaphor. I compare things without like...or love. "As" would be inappropriate as well. I am the comparison without, the sunshine without, the Hail Mary without. Without. Without like.

In a fortnight I will be through with everything Christmas. Other things, too. Dangerous? Yes.


If Katy Says So, It must Be So

This could be me any day now. A few months ago = one grey hair. Two days ago = two new grey hairs. Today = one new grey hair. The first one I hastily plucked and ran into the hall screaming, but now I have become more calm.

The big question: to dye or not to dye? Or maybe I just have some horrible disease that is stealing my youth out from under me. I have crow's feet if you look close enough. Apparently no age is free from degeneration anymore.

Premature grey hair is hot...on guys. On me, no so much. It's like "Ugh! What is that?! Oh...hair. My bad."

I guess I will be dying my hair a lot younger than I ever planned to start. Lookout world! The full extent of the rainbow will be experienced in ret

Every Now and Then

How did December get here so fast? How did papers and exams and all of this stuff come together in such quick succession? Ack. And how surprised am I to find out how much different things are.

I decided to stop relying on certain things in the last few weeks, and it has changed things. Things have changed things. I cried tonight...I don't cry anymore, so it was kind of a shock. I had no idea.

Cryptic is my new middle name. I cannot wait for break. Things will continue to go up.


Day 101

A warning sign. I missed the good part, then I realized...I, uh, I started looking and the bubble burst. I started looking for excuses.

I am on the brink of something. It is a big something. My fingers are poised and I know something is about to explode out that I was never expecting because how could I possibly when I did not even know it was there?

Come on in! I've got to tell you what a state I'm in. I've got to tell you in my loudest tones.

When I am about to write - as I have just realized by observing my hands and the way they arch over the keys - my fingers feel the keys, and then take off. It reminds me of watching wonderful piano players who get the feel and it suddenly all comes back to them. Maybe this is a good case for reincarnation.

I started looking for a warning sign.

I do not want to blog anymore. Thus, the warning sign. I'm in this bad. On one side I am forced to act like a 70-year-old because otherwise I will die; on the other, I am five. It is sucking the life out of me.

When the truth is, I miss you.

1. I want to sleep all the time.

Yeah, the truth.

2. Feeling would be nice. I would do a lot right now just to feel.

I miss you so.

3. I do not want to blog anymore.

A warning sign. You came back to haunt me and I realized you were an island and I passed you by; you were an island to discover.

It is so much from every side. There is no freedom here. FREEDOM. William Wallace, rescue me. Do not let me awake in years to come wishing I could come back to today and fight. Give me liberty, or death. There is no in between. <- Lie. This is the in between.

And I'm tired. I should not have let you go.

Why do you insist on torturing me? Maybe you do not see it that way, but I do. Where do you get off?! It is not...fair. I live in the realm of fair and die by it. Be fair. Give someone else a chance. Give me a chance to come up for air.

So. Yes, I crawl back. And I crawl back in. Yes. I crawl back into your open arms.


That's just Who I Am This Week

I went cliff jumping a few years back. I was supposed to go somewhere in the middle of the group, but suddenly all the people going after me ran and jumped off, leaving me alone. I stood up there for so long, staring sixty feet down into the blue-grey water and wondering how much it would hurt if I tripped and fell wrong and died. I stood there for what felt like hours, but was probably more like fifteen minutes. At some point, though, I realized the fear was gone. I knew the promises God had over my life and decided He wouldn't let me die yet (it was only in the air that I realized I could still end up paralyzed). So I ran and jumped. I thought I would scream, but it came out more as a yell of triumph. It was the most exhilarating few seconds of my life.

I didn't know this until later, but apparently I just missed the rocks at the bottom. I nearly killed myself for the rush but there was absolutely no regret. By the time I jumped there was no fear, only trust.

I am ready to jump, fall, whatever. I've stood on the ledge so long. Whatever the consequences, the fear is gone. Let me jump.


I've Been Dying to Tell You Anything You Want to Hear


I have a million billion trillion things to do, and that is just the homework. Forget about how I cannot go a day without Starbucks or all the random little things I have to do that I really should have done a long time ago or my devotions that I cannot skip because whenever I do I feel like crap and not just because I am obligated but because I miss Him or stupid stuff like laundry or all this stupid car stuff that I just cannot deal with right now or the crazy ridiculous number of appointments I have to go to and how they never seem to end or make anything better or gratis or doing things that actually make me feel good.

I'm in one of those moods again. It's the kind where I want to jump in my car (shut up) and drive along the coast until I get somewhere warm enough to wear a dress and take off my shoes to walk in the waves and eat away all my money and dye my hair blond and fall in love with some wonderful man who doesn't know who I have been and write music and write books and surf and maybe even get a tan. Right now.

But, I cannot.
Big sigh (it's been a big sigh week).
1. I have no car.
2. I have school.
3. I am in debt and therefore don't even have money to eat away.
4. Dresses can be overrated.
5. As if. You know.
6. I have no freaking car.

So. Where does that leave me? Well, lots of papers and assignments of exams. Drivingless, which is usually how I work out my issues. In a ridiculous-for-having-no-snow cold climate. Dressless. Manless. Here.

I guess I could still go blond, though.


Am I More than You Bargained for Yet?

think I am finally in a place of accepting that it was not a mistake to come back to school this year.
have no desire to ever go to bed because as soon as I get in I never want to get out (and I want to be out).
love how things are constantly shifting.
am living in a constant state of trepidation over how this will all play out regarding my car and everything that goes with it.
thrill to think of how many people are actually in in my life this year and it gives me joy and hope.
do not yet know how I will spend my Christmas holidays, but I am not worried. No matter how I end up spending my time, the break will be worth it.

I am continuously nervous that I will just fall into one of those horrible situations that have plagued me the last few years. It's tiring to constantly be on the look-out for danger. I want the freedom of expression I have had when there is no fear. Ah, but that goes back to the whole passion dealio. I just sighed really big. Things will not get the better of me!


I Keep Saying I Will Go to Bed Early, and Every Night without Fail I Fail...Oh, and It Is December

How do I even begin to explain today? Sleep in, breakfast bagel, things I forget, back to sleep, sleep in, quick shower, sad things, bad lunch, hairy legs and other things, cold, cold, FREEZING cold, umbrella that is big, dollar figure that is low, coffee, heat, hot shower, too hot, dece dinner, concert radio, stupid me, stupid who the frick do you think you are?!, procrastination, unexpectedly awesome pizza, conversation that was almost all without ruination, procrastination, blog. Or I could just sum it up in two little words: bad choices.

I cannot make myself make the right ones. I sleep when I know I cannot afford to and put off sleep when I am exhausted, just because I can. I eat things that are horrible for me and throw out half plates of food because I just cannot stomach it. I say the things that make me kick myself later and do not say the things that would finally give me peace. I allow someone who has already stolen so much of me to stomp on my face with a big boot. This all to say that I suck at decisions and I suck at writing things good. Or well, for that matter.

Oh, and it's December. Fina-fricken-tutely. Maybe this month will make sense.

Breathe. Release first and second paragraphs into the universe. Zen. Or something like it. ...There needs to be a Leanne Dictionary.
Note to self: make one.