Re: Dear Boys, I Have an Announcement...

So I just happened to be browsing through old blogs, reading ones that caught my eye, when I came upon "Dear Boys, I Have an Announcement..." and was quite distraught over what I had said. This is not to say that my words were necessarily disturbing, but rather the events that have unfolded since that blog.

So here is my public apology. World, I am sorry for being so down on you. You were right. Looking back on the people I was referring to in that particular blog, you were absolutely, 100% correct. Boys are not my friends. I will be careful from now on.


I'm not scared anymore because I have a plan. I wish I didn't have to be so cryptic, but there's no other way. I am placing the entirety of my self into this, because I am not settling for failure. It would take a literal act of God to take me off this current path that I am pursuing; I am settling into this new-found peace and just running with it.

Things need to change. This is action number one. They are not big, they are not catastrophic, they are not of epic proportions. But they are essential. And I know that if these things don't change, we'll be ruined. We can ignore them and pretend that it's not a big deal, but I think we both know deep down: this is the hugest deal.

Secondly, I am striving to give. Where before I have held back out of doubt and fear and irrational stupidity, I am letting go. My first priority will be to always, always be giving before I even consider receiving. Someone said it really well to me the other day. I was talking about relationships being 50/50, and he said that is a load of crap. If they're not 100/100, it will never work. So I'm putting in my 100. I'm raising the bar.

Plan of action numero three is also an act of letting go, but of preconceived ideas and notions that are only out to poison the great things I do have. Expectations? Trying to throw them out the window.

I want to be free to be fearless for you, to rest in the simple knowledge that you love me and that is enough. I promise to work on these every day.


Anything But Ordinary

I have this thing for Pepsi. I don't really know what it is, and there are no words in any language on earth that I have yet discovered to describe it. Every time, the experience is almost more than I can take.

It begins with that explosion of fizz with the first twist of the cap, which is immediately followed by the sharp scent of new cola. It invades my brain and focuses all function on filling my entire being with that one thing. The first sip goes down cold, crackly, cataclysmic. It's as if the rest of the world has faded away in the aftermath of that one moment. The zing in my throat and the leap in my heart take my breath away and life beyond that second fails to matter. And with each consecutive delve into the wonders of my own personal cocaine, my mind is transformed and I can see more clearly. The sky is more blue than ever before, the crisp air outside my window and the murky air within smell cleaner, and I feel as if I could fly. Right down until the last satisfying drop, even if it's warm by then, I am refreshed and exhilarated to the core of my being. And that's just Pepsi.

And then there's you.

Once again, I find myself at a loss for words. So what can I say? I love Pepsi.



I feel like this is too soon for me to be having these feelings. Everything is moving so fast, but only in good ways. I didn't even know that healthy relationships existed anymore. So fast, and yet it doesn't feel wrong. And that's a little bit scary.

All my past experience tells me that when something feels good, I'm probably standing too close to the fire and am about to get burned (speaking of which, I smell like bonfire and beef jerky...wonderful). I'm so scared that he'll discover the "real me" and just leave because I'm not what he wants. So every time I find myself being vulnerable and just being who I am, I catch myself and sink back in because I'm scared of myself. But I don't want to be...for him I want to be fearless.

We have to keep reminding each other that this is only Day 3...well, now Day 4. What?! It feels like forever, which is probably what happens when you spend every possible moment together for months on end. And every day just keeps getting better.

I don't want to be one of those couples that always has to be together, or that already has their entire lives planned out together before they even know each other well enough to be sure it can work. So I'm fighting my urge to just be with him always, and continue with life. And it's amazingly easy. He weaves so perfectly through everything, and I don't know if I can ever pull that thread out without destroying the entire tapestry. Like I said...way too fast. And it's only Day 4.


That Name I'm Not Allowed to Call You

It's been nearly three and a half years, and I'm finally in that place of trusting again. I'm giving my heart into the care of another, and hoping he won't smash it into oblivion.

I don't know how to explain this overwhelming peace I have every time green meets hazel. My world comes into focus and I can breathe. I don't feel like there are ridiculous expectations on me, or as if I need to pretend I'm someone else to make him adore me.

I didn't even see this coming! I did not come to Bridal College to get my MRS Degree. I came here to seek God and continue to carry out His purposes in my life. I did not come here to meet someone. But I did.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, or next week, or next year. But what I do know is that for now, there is someone cradling my heart and I can trust him. When I get past my own insecurities and baggage, I might even believe him when he tells me, crazily, that he cares about me too.


I'm Crazy

I am beyond over the moon. How things changed so rapidly, I cannot even comprehend. I find myself smiling in a foolish way constantly, and nothing can seem to get me down.

Is it silliness that I already feel like this? I guess I shouldn't, but I can't help myself!

I can't think of anything else to say, but I'm glowing...absolutely glowing.

I don't know what's in the future, and I'm doing the best to reconcile my past; all I know is that I haven't felt like this in a long time. Cherished. Adored.

And it scares me to death.



There are no words to say, once again, to describe right now. Endless, spiraling thoughts? No. Bottomless pit? Cliche. Uncontrollable outbursts followed by indrawn frailty? Perfect.

I'm staring at a melted cream soda slurpee. Its bright bubbles shine in the faded light of the sink bulbs and it looks so lonely. Slurpee hunt with Emily turned into not knowing where we were going, followed by free slurpees because it was his birthday, and, to top it all off: SNOW! All while I was wearing a tank top. I love Canada.

I have a pile of books and movies taking over my desk. Why they're there and from whence they came? I know not. All I know is that nothing sat on my desk when there were better things to fill it with.

I haven't sat on my window ledge in awhile. Instead, I've taken to running over to the edge of the field too late at night with not enough clothes, staring out into the nothingness. The question: Is this where You are? Because I don't feel You the same anymore. Is this where I find the answers, in the wilderness? And the overwhelming answer always seems to be... "No." I've also forgotten shoes on occasion.

Tomorrow is church. I'm so glad Emily is coming. And tomorrow is back to regular devos. One day and I'm lost. Tomorrow is Youth Church and feeling at home. Looking forward is helping to fill the void that is here in the present.



Today is a new day. Yesterday is (finally) gone, and I'm in the next yesterday. When I think about it like that, trials don't feel quite so life or death.

I can't say that I feel better than yesterday, but I have the teensiest pinprick of hope. Silly and misguided? Probably. But if I don't have something to hold onto now, I'm going to whither and fall apart.

Last night, Emily and I dressed up absolutely ridiculous. I'm sure I could list all the items of clothes adorning my body, but it would take me at least half an hour. I can't really explain it, but it was almost as if a part of my brain cracked and nothing seemed real anymore. I guess that's what happens when the one whose opinion counts doesn't care to care anymore. So we packed into Katie's car and went to Safeway. The looks didn't matter; what mattered was the freedom to just...be.

And it feels like today.



I messed up really bad. I was less than truthful with one of my best friends, and now he's not ever going to talk to me again. I don't blame him. It just hurts SO BAD knowing it's my own fault. And there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I've always thought myself to be good with words. I can pen my thoughts with precision when called to do so, and I rarely fumble to express my inner workings. But today. Today words failed me. There was not one thing I could say in the entire world to convince him that I was wrong, so horribly wrong, but that there might be room for forgiveness.

This is humiliation to the max. I didn't think it could get worse, until I realized everyone knows. I don't blame him for telling people, but I blame me for giving him something to tell them about. So I'm in this isolated darkness, full of regret and shame over things I cannot change. But I'm going to try.

I need to get right with God. If I can draw all of this back to one place, it's my not being right with Him. This is obviously going to take a lot of healing time, and nothing will ever change if I don't give it up to God. He made me, He made him, and He gets it all. He gets the condition of each of our hearts, and He's not biased. He's hurting with him even as He hurts with me.

I am so selfish. When I look at all of this, it spells one thing: SELFISH. I was only thinking of myself. And by the time I started caring for someone more than myself, it was too late. The damage was done. And I'm left with this aching emptiness in my chest that cries out: "What if I was wrong?" Not wrong about hurting him, I know that I did; I know I messed up too bad to ever be properly made right. I mean...what if I overlooked what is good, just because I couldn't see it? What if I was the one holding me back from having peace?

What if I was wrong?