That's What She Said

I don't have time for this. Right now, I have a million and one things to be doing, including spending time with God; I'm half way through a sentence in 2 Chronicles, and I couldn't read one more word until I wrote. I'm busier than I've ever been in my life and, from what I hear, this is not the end of the craziness. This is the beginning. My full-time internship has turned into my entire life. The few minutes I have to myself have been spent watching Gilmore Girls or doing things I probably shouldn't be doing. My choices have been poor, and I have not been the wise woman I thought I was growing up to be.

My mom and I finally finished Gilmore Girls, and I cried. Of course. In my head it will always end differently, because I'm afraid of relating to a TV show that much.

I haven't written in so long. Mostly I don't have the time; I don't even go on facebook anymore because I only have a few seconds to check and see if there's anything I need to immediately respond to. This is my official apology to those who I've ousted through that. Despite the excuse of my lack of time, I think my neglect of this blog has deeper roots. Maybe, deep down, I want people to stop reading it. The people I once wrote it for don't exist anymore; I am not the same, and they are not the same. I am frightened of everything this could mean.

I've been messing up lately. I am a rebel at heart, and everything in me is always fighting against what I know I could be. I'm horribly frightened of success, and I don't know how to change that.

This is a rant, a confession, an admonition. I miss who I used to be. I miss the plans and the simple trust I had in God, others and myself. I can't go back, the present is not what I thought, and tomorrow is scarier than I thought it would be.

And I will never have an avocado tree.



I haven't been blogging as much lately, and so I thought I'd just post a quick catch up on what's been going on with me and who I've been as of late.

At the beginning of July I started a full-time, paid internship with Youth Church which is AMAZING because not only is God providing the money I need for school next semester, He's doing it in the coolest way possible. If He had asked me what my ideal money-making idea would be, this would have been it. The only down-side so far is having barely any free time to myself. I love having a packed schedule, but sometimes it's nice having a little room to breathe. Tomorrow, for example, I'm leaving the house before ten and won't be home until after midnight. But as much as this could be complaint-worthy, I love every second of it and have no grievances to issue. I'm finding joy in the small things, even down to baking for leadership meetings.

I've been spending a lot of 'different' time with God lately. I don't really know how else to put it. I just finished reading The Shack again and, no matter what critics might say, I absolutely love it. Some of the theology might be a bit off, but it makes me view God in a completely different light, and by the end I always feel closer to Him than ever before. I've also discovered that reading the Bible doesn't hold as much enjoyment as it once did, now that I've discovered how much I love teaching it. Sitting down with someone and showing them the meaning of a passage or helping them understand background so that they can fully grasp what they are reading makes me feel incredible! I'm passionate about sharing the Word and loving every second of it.

On Wednesday I'm finally getting a haircut. I'm thinking about doing bangs again, just a little bit thinner. I'm also still on the long journey of getting rid of my layers, but I'm learning the embrace the in-between stage. I'm watching myself carefully, though, because this is a dangerous time in the life of my hair. I wait until I get absolutely fed up with my hair and book an appointment, but as soon as the date is set I begin to love the way my hair is, split ends and massive forehead be darned. So as much as my hair is finally doing what I want and looking fabulous, I need to be reasonable and let the scissors fall where they may.

I've been having a love affair. Her name is Mandeep, and she rocks my world. She's actually my waxing beautician (I have no idea what else to call her). She is incredible! Never have I had someone use such care. And now that I haven't shaved my legs since April, everything's coming in slower and smoother. I am beyond ecstatic. This is probably getting a little personal, but I just have to spread the joy.

As far as actual/usual affairs go, they are non-existent in my life. Girls keep asking me if I think so-and-so is hot, or if I'd ever go for that guy, or "if you could date anyone right now, who would it be?" Nada, I say. I made a decision a long time ago, and I'm finally actually sticking with it. I will not be the pursuer! I will not think of a guy in 'that way' until he thinks of me in that way and expresses it. At said time, I will contemplate if I could actually ever have feelings for this person (but who are we kidding, knowing me I'd only be thinking if I could ever marry him), and then I would answer. Until that point, I refuse to think of guys as prospects. Enough said.

I was thinking the other day, slash talking with a friend, about how if I had gotten what and who I wanted when I was 16, this week I would be celebrating my one year wedding anniversary. Scary. So I look at all the girls I know who are 16, and everything inside of me wants to tell them that in five years or one year or one month, that guy won't matter anymore. But I bite my tongue and hold back because I know that at their age I wouldn't have believed me either. And who knows, maybe they'll be the exception; who am I to judge? It's just crazy to think how in control God is, and how He really does know far better than us what is best for us.

This blog is getting extremely long and I really should be sleeping, but just a few last thoughts.

My brother turns 17 next month. That is scaring the crap out of me. I am old. And he hasn't done half (or any, who knows these days) of the things I'd done by then: I had already been in two serious relationships, had enough drunk times to last a lifetime, and been the typical rebellious teenager all around. I wonder if it will ever hit for him, or if he was just lucky enough to miss it all. It was fun, but it hurt a lot too. Today was our grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. We were so ridiculously overdressed but it was fun. He wore a full suit and I wore an incredibly sparkly dress and huge heels and my dad took a million pictures and...it felt like family.

Last thought of the night. I always come up with words in my head, either made up or incredibly inappropriate, and they pop out at the worst times. For example, the last several months I've been saying "dangs" all the time. No clue where it came from, it was definitely of my own creation, but I sound SO dumb when I say it. And I even think in "dangs" now. I hate it. And as of last week, everything I say, I want to add "hella" before it. "That was hella fun," or "he was hella stupid" are perfect examples. I'm such a loser.

And that's me lately.


Never Ever

My greatest fear used to be that I would die alone. Once all my blood family was dead and gone, to have never married and be completely alone used to terrify me.

Things change.

I have come to realize that I am capable of getting over terrible heartache, simply by putting it out of my mind and telling myself that life goes on. My greatest fear is no longer being alone; rather I fear never loving someone enough that if they left or died I could never in all my life get over it.

Without a love like that, is there any point at all?