Don't Want to Just Make Love

I love when I get to go to sleep to the steady thrum of rain pounding down on the roof, only to wake up to clear skies and a light heart.

I have no more classes. I have a few assignments and then I am officially done. I realized today that everything I came here to accomplish has been completed. Every year I had a different goal and every year I have achieved it, amazingly enough. The road was harder than it needed to be and maybe if I had just listened to a still small voice more often I could have stayed on the straight and narrow. But here I stand, alive. I survived it.

There's only One who I can thank, despite how far apart we've been. Without Him, I would not have made it out alive. Really. So, God, thank You. It's time we start to celebrate my life and who You are in it, instead of remaining locked in this death march just because I know the steps.

It is for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

All in All

Now, with 2.633 hours of perspective, I feel that I am better able to do 2010 justice. Yes, there was a lot of school. A lot. But there was also so much more.

Much of it is in the dark (which led to such a mundane list yesterday), but the things that shine through are worth noting.

I ate a lot of instant noodles, be it in the form of soup, KD, or chow mien.

I lived in another basement, with very different people from last time. It held some of the best times, but I wouldn't go back.

I went on two roadtrips. One ended prematurely in Jasper, leaving us stranded and cold and hungry and alive. The other brought me through five states and five thousand kilometers in three days, and left me crying and praying and breathing again.

I checked, there were two car accidents this year. January and November. After January and the two roadtrips this year and one last year, November finally did in Cameron. Poor Cameron.

I had my heart broken enough to need several transplant surgeries, and then I broke my own.

I had front row seats to the demise of my personal civilization; everything I worked for, gone.

I have had the most wonderful year of seeing the most wonderful man. Please don't read too much into that.

I watched six seasons of Gilmore Girls (fourth time through) in less than two months, and watched countless other series from my bed, the smoker's couch, my creaky chair and my good chair. Oh the days.

I went to Toronto and made it back alive, despite many desperate phone calls, skype dates and tearful outbursts, which, at the time, suggested I would not be so lucky.

I fell in love with God again. Even without feeling Him. Then I lost it again. I am going to get it back again.

Heh. Right. I also survived. It is 2011 and I am still here.

For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry

I am learning to let go all over again. Passing classes has to be enough. Surviving the day needs to be worth celebrating. Not doing all the shoulds and musts of my life is not an embarrassment. Feeling alone right now is not a disgrace. Not feeling God, even when I spend time with Him, is only one word: perseverance.

This week, under any other lens, looks like failure. This last year, without the right focus, appears to have kept me at a stand-still.

I am hopelessly, utterly, completely alone. And I am okay.

I am afraid and empty. But look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. It's a testimony that He is there even when I, small insignificant me, do not feel His presence.

Drowning in Mascara and Lip Gloss

I think there is something critical missing from my make-up.

Bronzer, duh. Have you seen my complexion?

Jokes.

I think there is something critical missing from my chemical make-up.

Most people, from what I've heard, are born with this natural sense of self-preservation. The fight or flight option only exists to help us survive. We are trained to respond to the needs of our bodies as they come: hunger, thirst, low or high temperature, bathroom breaks in the middle of something really important. We are hard-wired to protect our lives at all costs, except in some very special cases.

I do not have this survival instinct.

My Body: "I'm tired."

Leanne: "Yo Body, let's stay up as long as we can tonight!"

My Stomach: "I'm hungry."

Leanne: "I'm not very hungry."

My Stomach: "I'm really getting hungry."

Leanne: "I've only had a croissant and a cup of coffee all day!"

My Stomach: "FEED ME!"

Leanne: "Weird, I wonder why I don't feel good."

My Adrenaline: "That man looks sketchy."

Leanne: "Hey! Let's go ask that man for directions!"

My Adrenaline: "Jumping off this is probably a bad idea..."

Leanne: "Hey, I've got an idea! Let's jump off this sixty foot cliff!"

It's almost like I have some kind of aversion to doing the simple stuff. Or the sane stuff. Or just stuff at all.

Tomorrow I promise to do better. And wear make-up.

Disclaimer: No hyperbolizing was used in the writing of this blog. And no animals were harmed either, except possibly Scooter because I don't think Melissa feeds him and I can't remind her when I barely remind myself.

One Year

It's been a year since my first blog entry. I read back and can't help but think how witty I was back then, how self-assured. I thought I was on top of the world.

Don Henley once told me, "You can't go back, you can never go back." He was right. So rather than mourn the loss of the person I used to be, I'm going to take the time to celebrate the love and laughter and God revelation I have divulged here.

I sincerely hope the pendulum starts swinging back towards happiness; this dull gray is almost more than I can take. But I guess that's what this is here for. It's a photograph out of time that takes me back to where I was and reminisces on the natural ebb and flow of of the joys and sorrows I experience. It's encouraging to read back and see the pain or heartache and to know that I survived. All I need to do is push through one more day, make it through one more night, and I will be one step closer to pulling through.