Maybe I'm a Girl / Maybe I'm a Lonely Girl / Who's in the Middle of Something / That She doesn't Really Understand

Maybe I'm a girl /
And maybe you're the only man /
Who could ever help me /
Baby won't you help me understand?

Over and over and over this song plays in my head. Why? No idea. Maybe it's because I'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand.

I am frivolous. Today I bought myself some bling. The last and only time I bought jewelry for myself was when I was in California the summer I graduated and bought myself a crappy $5 rose ring to commemorate the trip. This time it was diamond earrings. Why? No idea. Maybe it's because I'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand.

Right now I am torn. I think all men must enjoy tearing stuff up or something. They're really darn good at it. Why do I let you treat me this way and put up with it? Why do I not stand up and say that the good doesn't always outweigh the bad? Maybe it's because there's a possibility you're the only man who could ever help me. Baby, won't you help me understand?


"Him, to Start"

I would like to think that there is only one person for everyone. In a perfect world I'm sure that's how God would have orchestrated it. Our world is not perfect. Unfortunate.
So, if it's true that I could technically make it work with any Christian guy who I put in the effort with, then where does God fit into the picture? Does it even matter who I end up with? If I were to just let life happen and marry the first guy who I love who loves me and who asks me to marry him, would that be such a bad thing? If the guy I've always pictured in my head and my heart never shows, is it okay to just pick someone else?
Lots of questions and very few answers.
My favourite: "Does it even matter at all?"


Life Is Life Is Life

Sometimes I don't understand the direction I am heading in. My going away for summer has been met with everything from excitement to disappointment to confusion. I just want people to be happy for me! Happy that for the first time in a long time I feel something. I'm excited and thrilled and scared and freaking out...and completely at peace.
For the first time in a very long time, I feel that my life is heading in a direction instead of just aimlessly wandering through the wilderness without a destination. Right now each week is going by with no defining points; I need to have a purpose beyond myself. Let me be clear: I am not running away. I'm actually running toward the next mile marker in this marathon.
And thankfully I won't be doing it alone. I'm following Him, so I know He will be there the entire time. So even if this is misguided (which I firmly believe it is not), I know He won't leave me hanging.

Holiday Goodies

It's not true...yet. But I don't want it to be my fate. The first time I read this Post Secret I cried and cried and cried.
Today I almost lost everything important to me. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow has to be better.
If I didn't know any better, I would say that life wasn't meant to be so hard.
I was right at guess 17. Gingerbread.


It's a Command, not a Request

It's amazing to me how these things work. Is it my subconscious or my spirit this time, or even the Spirit? I think of a random phrase to put into Google Images hoping for the perfect picture to describe my blog in order to kick off a thought process that can pinpoint exactly where I'm at right now. "Follow me." Oh...okay. And Scripture appears. All at once I realize that this is where it had to head all along.
My plans for the summer are changing. My plans for the life I wanted are changing. Notice the pattern? When it's mine (or I think I have some say), it has no choice but to conform to God's will eventually.
I don't know if it has come across in my latest blogs, but I've been "avoiding" God lately. He's hurt me and I'm the sulky, hold-back-when-hurt type. Despite my hardness, He pursues. I'm finally getting back to a place where I want to want Him again. I even decided to start reading my Bible again...and then I left it in Calgary. A sign? Or my subconscious sabotaging me?
At a Bible study recently, we discussed how Jesus said "follow Me" and expected that the following entailed leaving everything else of import behind. Every day He asks me the same thing. Every day I shake in my proverbial boots hoping it won't come up. Every day I'm faced with it. And unfortunately, every day I walk away with the attitude of a sad, but still "rich", young man.
This summer is about to shake me at my foundation. Amazing that I can ignore God, or at least try, and He still guides with my best in mind.
I love you, Daddy.



I haven't posted in an extremely long time. For reasons unknown, my computer is broken and the internet is nada working. I haven't wanted to blog on another computer, but now I'm just having to suck it up.
I was looking at old FB notes, and I came across one entitled "25" that is basically twenty-five random things about me. I didn't read it, but instead decided I will do another one on here and see how close they end up being; the last one was probably about a year ago.

1. Right now, my greatest desire is for waist-length blond hair.
2. I drink Jones Soda like the continuing existence of the universe depends on my doing so.
3. I still have over two years (at least) of schooling left, and I secretly have no desire to finish or do well.
4. None of my grandparents have died yet, and when I remember this it always scares me how much it doesn't scare me. They've always been there and I cannot imagine a time without them; I know it has to happen sometime but it is beyond my comprehension. As a result, I fear I'll be devastated by the shock.
5. I have a secret that I am keeping from every single person I know. It is a different secret for each one, but a significant secret nonetheless. For each person, it is the one thing that I think would destroy our friendship if they knew, even if it is ridiculous to think so.
6. I wanted to be married by 20. In three months I will be 22. I have my wedding dress picked out, know the church I want it to be in, and have already begun to make a mental list of the things I will register for at IKEA. I have been single for nearly a year and there are no promising prospects.
7. I am getting better at saying good-bye and knowing that there is a good chance that the next time I will see them will probably be in Heaven. And I think I'm finally okay with that.
8. The most recent happiest moment of my life was tonight, filling up my gas tank for $45 Canadian down in the States. Normally, here, it would cost over $60. Life is so good.
9. About 90% of the people I would have considered my closest friends this time last year have changed.
10. I would trade my own life's happiness for my brother to be happy without a second of hesitation.
11. My favourite McFlurry is caramel Oreo.
12. I remember the moment when it was first announced that the 2010 Olympic Winter Games would be held here. I was 15 and at my best friend's house. It feels like yesterday, and now six years later they're already over.
13. I love the movie Day Zero. I bought it 4 for $10 at Superstore a few weeks ago even though I'd never seen it, and it turned out to be the perfect pick. It's not a typical "OMG I just looooooove it" movie, but I can't help myself. I don't even know why.
14. I would rather be pretty much anywhere but here right now doing anything but this. I'm glad God's been so clear and horribly disappointed all at the same time.
15. I have two cats, Chloe and Pepsi. They're usually better company than most people I know.
16. When I own my own house, the first thing I am going to do is create my sanctuary. I want an entire wall that is all bookshelves, and a cabinet with a thousand drawers for all of my art supplies, and a desk that surrounds me on three sides that has enough room for anything and everything, and walls that I can keep in a constant state of painting and decorating according to my daily mood, and real plants all over the place, and a window that the sun hits perfectly...and a life-size poster of James McAvoy just to keep me motivated.
17. If it were possible, I would live strictly on McDonald's fries, salt and vinegar Pringles, and chocolate soya milk.
18. In grade ten I drank a can of Coke in eight seconds.
19. When I tell people I want to be a nun, I mean it. They laugh and I laugh but I am dead serious.
20. If I win $10,000 on Roll Up The Rim, which I am highly anticipating, I have a masterful plan. I will: work only half the summer, pay off my student loan, buy a newer car, buy a new wardrobe, and spend the rest of my summer in Europe. So far I'm 0 for 7 on winning anything, even donuts.
21. My next boyfriend will prefer Pepsi to Coke, not be able to fit into my jeans, know how to make a killer breakfast sandwich, cheer for the right hockey team, want to do Bible studies with me in bed (sounds 1000x worse than what I mean), know how to plan a wicked awesome date, and wear sexy shoes. This is all that I require.
22. My therapist's name is Scott. He makes me breathe easier, doesn't judge me when I mess up (oooor purposely go off the deep end), and he didn't laugh when I told him that my spirit animal is a whale.
23. It took me about seven months to figure out what "FTW" means.
24. This week, between free McDonald's coffees, Roll Up The Rim Tim Horton's coffees, Starbucks, and our awesome at-home Starbucks coffee, I have probably had about 17 coffees.
25. If I could do one thing with the rest of my life if there were no consequences and no requirements for life other than to live it, I would live somewhere beautiful and spend all of my days drawing, writing, having sex, eating wonderful food, and listening to music. I wonder if at the end of it all I will regret not just doing it.