If I Just Lay Here

Word of the Day: Contemplative

con·tem·plat·ive

[kon-tuhm-pley-tiv

given to consider thoroughly; characterized by thinking fully or deeply about

It seems to me that all I have been today is contemplative. It is a day that would be best suited to laying in the grass in the sunshine for hours, or painting a poem, or swimming in a river with all my clothes on. Instead of doing those things, I have simply gone through the day and allowed thoughts to wash over and through me.

It has been a long two years. Now I find myself at a new place in the desert. I think that it would be quite impossible to ever wander the same part again; it is too ingrained in me that those ways only lead to death. I know them far too well to ever get lost on those paths again. The trouble is that I don't yet know where the new paths lead. This latest one has items of interest along the path, but not much to entertain. But! Did you notice? There's a path.

In plain English: I'm still in the same place I was two years ago, but I'm in such a vastly different place it can hardly be called the same. I'm still in Canada, but it would be foolish to think that northern Quebec and southern Alberta are in any way the same. And I don't know where to go to just get out of Canada already.

Other thoughts:

I would like a house that is always full of flowers.

Secretly, I wish I had almost no possessions.

Even more secretly, I wish I had too many to know what to do with...so I could get fed up and have none.

Cooking makes me happy.

Painting makes me smile for long periods of time. And I know it's genuine because no one else is watching.

I secretly think there are some things I'm really good at, but I'm afraid that if I say them aloud then my "powers" will be taken away.

I don't know if I like music anymore.

I have only spent two full days this summer doing what I want to do.

I am afraid that my new unfear of being alone will lead to me waking up twenty years from now, all alone, and with no way to fix it anymore.

Tacos are delicious.

I want everything to be full of flowers.

A - Muse - Ings

I haven't blogged in a long time, again. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't have much to say. Here's a snippet view (to quote my most hated feature of Google Books) of my most recent thoughts.

I've been working at my new job three weeks now, and it's definitely different than I expected.

This weekend was spent at Green Lake with 15 incredible people. I needed that so much.

I got a ridiculously nice easel and paint set for my birthday from a ridiculously awesome man. I'm dying to spend a whole week doing nothing but using it.

I ate an ice cream bar for dessert.

Okay, and I'm officially done with the shortened versions. Lately I've stopped listening to the radio for a few reasons: (1) I hate getting a song stuck in my head that isn't doing anything for me (I had a huge issue with "Touch My Body" a few years ago, and this time it's "Let's Play." So bad, but they're too catchy to get rid of); or, (2) I don't want my thoughts and emotions being influenced by songs that revolve around cheating, breaking up, or salacious sexual references. That being said, the last few days I've just been station hopping until I find something reasonable, and today I came upon this song. It was like my heart stopped and said, "Yes! Finally. Something I can identify with in a positive way." Don't read into it too much.

Tomorrow is the start of another busy week, but I'm looking forward to it. Busy means less time for too much thinking means less time for wrong conclusions that come out of an empty mind. A busy mind, in my case, is a healthy mind.

Composing a Symphony

I will be the first to admit that I really know nothing about music. I know what I love and what stirs my soul and what makes me wish I had been born without ears, but when it comes to the mechanics I am lost. Part of it is that I get impatient when I try to learn something, even if it comes naturally, and part is that I know that my life has a different purpose driving it. But just once, it would be nice to be crazy talented. Beyond the talent, though, there is a great misunderstanding between me and music. I understand that a particular swell or key change moves my heart, but I haven't a clue about the method behind it. Yet here I sit, composing a symphony.

Breaking my life down into movements is not difficult, as they generally revolve around God. By generally, I mean absolutely. I used to define years, when I was in high school, based on the guys in my life; I look back now and see no difference because they all blend together into a mash of mistakes and brokenness. Then God came on the scene: great in power and satisfying to the massive hole that transcended every part of my being. Holla, second movement. Then, as quickly as He came, He seemed to disappear. I know now that when God looks as though He is absent, it is either I who am absent or He is teaching me something. Or both. I have been floundering in a less than graceful manner ever since. Ebb and flow, high tide and low tide, flotsam and jetsam, driftwood and motorboat. I am a mess of life composition.

Today is a triumphant hailing of this movement's final notes. Life is moving with purpose again and I have never been so excited. I have money. I have a car. I have a career plan. I have the freedom of being nearly done with school for good. I have an expectation of good things to come. I have peace. This peace has been bought at a very great price, but it was worth every agonizing minute that led me here.

Thank you, God, for perfectly timing every second.

Gravity, Stay the Hell Away from Me

Gravity...chicken...spiders...baristas...pretty much everything.

I don't know how to convey words I'm singing. So, um, if I drag out letters, consider it singing. Please sing it to yourself, keeping in mind the duration of the prolonged letter. This will bring me great joy.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii waaaa-ha-aaaaant tooooooooo-ooh-hoo-hooooooo peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeace outta-heeere / breaaaaak aaawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay from-what-is-so-neeear / So I can have myyyy caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake / That-I-made-while aaawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake / And-eat-it tooooooooooooooooooooo / My darling, I'm sooooooooooo ooover yooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooohooooooooooooooou

I'm practically delusional. Please take it for what it iiiiiis.

The Roadtrip Saga: From Silence to Solace (Day 3)

My final morning of roadtripping found me too hot and too early. Knowing this part of the I-5 even with my eyes closed, I had plenty of time to think and really take stock of my current situation. Burnt out, exhausted and emotionally spent I had set out on my journey, yet now only two days later I could feel my spirit lifting. The pain and hurt and disappointment weren’t gone, but the aching emptiness was slowly being picked apart until it became ineffectual.

Nearly two years ago, the August before I began Bible college, I was in the best place I had ever been in spiritually. My faith was rock solid and I knew who I was in Christ. But it wasn’t enough; I had to go deeper. I told God both the scariest and most daring thing possible: I gave Him permission to turn my world upside down, to bring me to a place where He was central...even if it meant breaking me. And He did.

I have come to a place of near indifference. I know it all in my head, but my heart is cold. I take back what I said; He didn’t have to break me because I broke myself. And then life happened and more life and more than any life should ever see. And I have been left with a cold indifference that supposedly saves me from any more pain. But here I am. Core. There is nothing deeper. And I want Him. I want Him so bad somewhere deep down, but I am SO afraid that He’ll just continue to let me break.

And then.

For no reason at all I began singing “How He Loves Us.” I have sung that song possibly one hundred times, and suddenly I was crying uncontrollably and everything was rushing at me from a new perspective.

He is jealous for me!

afflictions eclipsed by Glory

just how beautiful You are! (california mountains at sunset kind of beautiful)

Your affection is for me

He is my prize (at the end of everything, He is what I get. amazing)

there is grace in His eyes, and it draws me to redemption

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets! (regretting takes precious time that I don’t have. seriously, Leanne, get it together!)

Life doesn’t make any more sense and I’m left with more questions than I started with, but I can take it smiling. Smiling! Brilliant.

And then I was almost taken out by a FedEx truck trying to avoid a swerving school bus.

And just outside Portland I saw my first B.C. plate since early day one, on an old blue Dodge truck. It feels like home.

Home felt like a good place to go. Talking to people...maybe not so bad.

I probably didn’t capture it very well, but this trip changed a lot of things for me. I may still be broken, like that piano. But God can still use me for beautiful music; He just needs to tune me. And I’m still in a pretty dark place, but God’s here in it. And the darkness is as light to Him.

I Listen to Music again, among Other Things

I am listening to music again. If you know me, you know this means something huge. Music, for me, is like food. I don't mean this in some higher-level-thinking allegorical way; music and food affect me the same way. Example: when I'm upset, I eat until I cannot eat anymore...and then I eat some more. However, when I'm really upset I just cannot make myself eat. Music is the same.

I've been sad for awhile. When I'm sad, music is a comfort. When I'm sad the way I've been (sad -adj. - understatement of the year), music only makes everything worse. I cannot turn it on; I cannot let the lyrics in without damaging my soul.

So let me start again. I am listening to music again.

I am also reading my Bible again. I have been...agitated with God lately. Not angry, not blaming, not bitter. I just can't look at Him. Things keep getting worse, a new aspect of my life seemingly falls apart each day, and He's not there.

Last night I opened up my Bible, without being compelled by an outside source, for the first time in months. I read a few psalms and, miracle of miracles, I still know most of the Romans I memorized in November. God is so faithful in so many ways I don't give Him credit for.

I'm also eating again (see above). I want to gain ten pounds by the end of the summer.

I also want to start exercising again. I nearly killed my body running the other day, so it's back to the elliptical for now. Stop laughing. I just...I want to be healthy. I want to be whole again.

Whistler is getting better. Oh! And I'm getting homework done.

Miracles. Miracles all around.

Baby, Why Don't You Stay?

Side mirrors only make you aware of how close things are that you don't want to hit.

I'm tired of looking back.

Is there anything to look forward to?

This song has been stuck in my head.

Which chorus do I mean?

Couldn't tell you.

All I know is that I don't know anything yet.

I'll be twenty-two in twenty-four days.

And I still know nothing.

Nothing.

My heart's on my sleeve.

Again.

Ugh.

I never care for the right person at the right time.

If there's any such thing.

don't know what to say

i've given the best of me

so why don't you stay

Maybe I'm a Girl / Maybe I'm a Lonely Girl / Who's in the Middle of Something / That She doesn't Really Understand

Maybe I'm a girl /

And maybe you're the only man /

Who could ever help me /

Baby won't you help me understand?

Over and over and over this song plays in my head. Why? No idea. Maybe it's because I'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand.

I am frivolous. Today I bought myself some bling. The last and only time I bought jewelry for myself was when I was in California the summer I graduated and bought myself a crappy $5 rose ring to commemorate the trip. This time it was diamond earrings. Why? No idea. Maybe it's because I'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand.

Right now I am torn. I think all men must enjoy tearing stuff up or something. They're really darn good at it. Why do I let you treat me this way and put up with it? Why do I not stand up and say that the good doesn't always outweigh the bad? Maybe it's because there's a possibility you're the only man who could ever help me. Baby, won't you help me understand?

"If You Don't Hear from Me for a While, It's Not because I Don't Love You...It's because I Do"

I have been learning lately about what love really is.

Love for God
Love from God
Truly loving another human being

I guess Valentine's Day is coming up, but I only realized that after I started on this topic. I guess the truth is that I'm all out of love, so what am I without you? I think in lyrics lately. Quotes sometimes, but mostly lyrics. They put words to the unwordable thoughts. They rarely come out in context, as my heart has never been a fan, but instead the song just leaps forth from some unknown spring until I am immersed in the surety that within this ballad is the key to who I really am. It won't fit in the sentence the way it should, grammar will become a thing of myth, but I cannot get it out in my own words anymore.

I thought I knew what I was doing, and then I realized I didn't.
tell me
that we
belong together
dress it up with the trappings of love
i'll be captivated
i'll hang from your lips
instead of the gallows of heartache
that hang from above
"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
My treasure has been in human affection for far too long and it has only served to wound me, then kick me while I'm down. I've been scared to death of dying here alone. But I don't think this is the way love was meant to be. It's the expressions of Your love I'm meant to seek after, not in-the-now, give-me-novacaine, insta-relief style "love." Unfortunately, I seem to have gone pro.

I'm also tired of being a stumbling block. That probably sounds egotistical, but I don't mean for it to be. When you think happiness, or college, or summer...I don't want you to think of a fling with me. I want something real. For you and for me.

I have spent the last several months searching for who I am. Every once in awhile, a song will catch me by surprise and I'll have a brief glimpse into what I'm supposed to see...that I am Yours. Brilliant, simple, overwhelming...and inconceivable. I can't grasp it. I know in my head that Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, which you'd think would include me, but it is just beyond my reach.

I want to surrender all to You, but I am still without the knowledge of how to do it. Please help me.
though i've tried to forget
You're all that i am
take me home
i'm through fighting it
broken
lifeless
i give up
you're my only strength

I Can Tell You My Love for You will Still Be Strong

It may still be February, and I may live in Canada, but my heart is already in the summer.

The weather has been GORGEOUS lately, and I've taken full advantage. Yesterday Mel got home and I was laying around the house in short shorts and a tank top. Bliss.

As much as I have a special affinity for all the seasons on some level, summer has always stirred my soul in a way that nothing else can. It is then that I have always had the biggest changes of mind, action, and heart. It is also when I experience the greatest presence of magic; nothing says magic like 10pm sunsets and beach bonfires and roadtrips and laying on a blanket beneath the stars.

So if you see me wearing a skirt and flip-flops, or trying desperately to get my hair in a ponytail, you'll know why. I miss the magic.


SUMMER
Originally posted: February 3, 2006

Summer nights fade to black and our laughter floats away with the heat.
We begin to forget the way things were, and people drift apart.
Only memories remain, sweet glimpses of a world where souls were passed around and the nights never ended.
It was only as the sun rose that we began to doubt our indiscretions,
afraid to meet the new person in the mirror.
In the dead of night, it never seemed wrong to clasp somebody's hand;
lucky for me, I had one to hold the whole way through.
But that has now all fallen away, yet we still live on,
waiting until another summer comes to carry us away.

Blue Christmas

I'm the deluded child who lies awake on Christmas Eve, trying to hear Santa's bells and his laugh bellowing from the roof. I'm the successful twenty-something who still cries herself to sleep at night, hoping her daddy will finally come home after twelve years of broken promises. At least, that's as close as I can come to describing how I feel. I never believed in Santa and I hate being pitied...but right now, that's where I'm at.

Two weeks, and no visit.
And I sit by the phone in faithful expectation, awaiting a bang at the gate and a knock at the door. I'm waiting to find out if their busy schedules are more important than me. I need them, and they're busy doing what needs to get done, only twenty minutes away. An hour out of their day is all I ask; twenty to drive here, twenty spent here, and twenty to drive home.
Apparently I ask too much. Homework it is.

Two weeks, and still no visit.

Given a Chance, I'm Gonna Be Somebody

It’s too late to not be in bed, but I’m too inspired to turn my brain off. Inspired by what? Me. The Leanne of this time last year. She was so down to earth, sure but with room to grow, and vivacious. I’d love to be her.

Question of the night. If I really, truly, once and for all let go of a “truth” I’ve held on to for over three years, will I always regret not sticking it out to find out if it’s really true or not? I know that I have gotten pretty good at pushing down feelings and emotions until they’re crushed into oblivion, but is this the same? Maybe this is the one I’d never get over.

I read back, and even then I was starting to ask the questions that plague me every day. What if I just left? Disappeared? Gave my life over to the things that would make it easier to make it through each day? Found a way to be satisfied with less than I know I deserve? Lived a life that seemed perfect on the outside, all the while convincing myself it’s for the best until one day I believe there is nothing more to live for?

I am scared. Worried. Frightened. Terrified that I am going to give in. Heroes are those who don’t give in to the easy way out when they have the chance. I want to be that. But my back is up against the wall and I’m expected to scale it, even with my muscleless arms and no rope or any way over or around or under. I’m cornered and my only choice is surrender. So who will I surrender to in the end? Jesus, who would have me die daily for Him? Or this easier, less challenging Nothingness that would also have me die for it?

Either way, it looks like I’m not coming out of this alive.

Full of Words, But Not the Right Ones

Tonight I sat in a car and had one of those alone-in-a-packed-room experiences. Literally packed full, and me alone in the midst of it. But what could I say?

I am so full of words to write, to think, to say...and none of them are the ones I need right now. Did I say too much tonight? Did I let a moment slip me by at 6:52pm? I am freer and more confined at the same time than I have ever been. Will February define me, or do I have to wait around for April? Is this the wrong music for an uplifted mood? Red is definitely my colour. I cannot wait until Monday afternoon. Who will I be tomorrow?

And it's enough thoughts to build a city, but none of them will bring anyone to it.

Confessions of a...Masochistaholic?

I haven't opened my Bible since school ended. I love my Bible. I love reading it and getting into it and burying myself in it and holding on to its truths. But I don't like me lately. So, instead of allowing its beauty and wisdom to infiltrate my (insert any given word here: sadness, heartache, numbness, etc.), I harden my heart further and let nothing in. Nothing is safer than everything. ...Because lately, I've found almost everything is all or nothing.

I haven't opened my Bible since school ended. For assignments, I use Bible gateway. When people write me letters or give me verses, I read what's on the sheet and nothing more. I have hardened myself against it because it hurts too bad. Praying has been difficult too. What do I say to a God who I don't know how to speak to anymore? When all signs point to Him existing, but with that the weighty feeling that He must hate me to let this happen, how do I find the words?

And then. Tonight I go on Facebook, way too late as usual, and at the top of my home page, someone's status simply says: "Romans 8:28!" And I was compelled. Without a thought, my Bible was out and open. I started from the beginning of the section, and one verse in I was sobbing. Here it is:

"And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren; and whom He predestined, these He also called; and whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, 'For Thy sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

When I can't find the words anymore, Jesus and the Holy Spirit do it for me. They go beyond words for me, because I cannot do it myself. Despite all the spinning in my head, every word here makes perfect sense. There is room to conquer.

This song is my prayer right now. I don't have my own words, but these seem to do the trick:

this is my prayer in the desert / when all that's within me feels dry / this is my prayer in my hunger and need / my God is the God who provides / this is my prayer in the fire / in weakness or trial or pain / there is a faith proved of more worth than gold / so refine me Lord through the flame / this is my prayer in the battle / when triumph is still on its way / I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ / so firm on His promise I'll stand

I always just sang the words. Yet, right now in this moment, they mean something.

I don't know if this will change things. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and things will be exactly the same. But at least I can rewind for a second, look back at Wednesday, January 6th at 3:05am and remember that, even for a split second, I had hope.

Back When I Was Your Age...

I'm about to go watch The Little Mermaid and I'm so stoked! I got it on DVD for Christmas last year, and I have only watched it once since. Lately, however, Ariel has been calling me back and I'm so excited!

I loved being little. I had every line to all my favourite Disney movies memorized, picking which one to watch first was my greatest dilemma, and the only scary things I knew of were Jafar and Ursula. And so, for the next hour and a half (remember when all movies were only that long?!) I get to go back to being that kid again. Did I mention how stoked I am?

And yet. I have grown a lot since then, and new things stick out that never did before. Especially the things I once thought so possible, and now literally seem to only be possible in that fairytale. Naivety was so much easier.

"What would I give to live where you are?
What would I pay to stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you smiling at me?"

Ariel asks a very interesting question. I wonder if I would give up what she did.

The Upside of Ditching the Big Oh-Nine

I like blogging. I don't know why I stopped lately. Two in two days is brilliant, I think. Working backwards from the new year. At this rate, I'll be back in 1999 by the time school is back in.

Oh, yes. The upside:
- I already smile more.
- I like oddly even numbers. 2009 just didn't do it for me.
- I already have a movie date with my little cousin.
- Olympics are better than pre-construction to look better for the Olympics.
- Music is making more sense.
- Sleep and food are suddenly more becoming on me.
- I have a pile of candycanes and money on my desk and a (small) pile of new clothes on the floor, and nothing gets better than that.

Looking on the bright side seems like a better idea, too. I think 2010 has already made me smarter.

Welcome to the planet, Mr. New Year! Please be good to us as you take us hostage for the next 363 days.

I'm Dreaming of a...Grey Christmas?

That's right. Despite my most fervent prayers and denial of the weatherman's foretelling, there was no snow on Christmas. We did, however, get a lovely blanket of fog. Grey, dismal, horrible fog.

To combat the weather's reluctance to comply with my traditional Christmasy desires, I took on the joy of the holidays anyway and hung out with my family. Our Christmases have never been traditional, but this year was at an all-time...high?

I think I was nine when my mom decided we weren't going to have a Christmas tree anymore. For a few years we also didn't have gifts. Those are back now, but the tree never made a re-appearance. After that, my mom decided that she wanted to create a Christmas tradition that we would want to come home to when we're old and married. So for the last several years on Christmas Eve, my mom and dad and brother and I get together to slowly evolve our version of a family Christmas. This year, it looked someting like this: we start at 5 with fondue, and as soon as that's winding up we throw some appetizers in the oven. When those are finished, we throw some more in, etc. It goes on and on until dessert. Aaaaand then we throw some more hors d'oeuvres out on the table and eat until bed. Somewhere in the middle we also watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and usually play a board game. Then in the morning, it's up for any food we didn't finish the night before and home-made cinnamon buns and presents (this year we're doing renovations, so the pile of presents stood in the middle of the living room, sans tree of course, as the only thing in the room besides our new couch). And thus the new family tradition.

After that, we go to one side of the family Christmas night and the other on Boxing Day. Basically, it's three days straight of only eating and sleeping. It's wonderful.

But besides all that, even though it's wonderful to get to spend so much time with my family, one important truth remains: Jesus is the reason for the season (ahahaha, oh my but I do love clichés). Sure, He probably wasn't actually born on December 25th and where the tree and Santa fit in we'll probably never know (and a reindeer with a birth defect that makes only his nose glow? Heaven help us!). BUT, this is the time once a year that we should be taking some time to remember that He came, how He came, and why He came. He came for me.

The mist killed my white Christmas dreams, but that was about it. It's actually quite beautiful when I stop and get over my delusions of "what Christmas should be" and just...stop. Breathe. Accept that this is how it is, and be okay.

I've Got a Feeling

Not meant to refer to the song. I wrote it, realized, but knew that this couldn't be titled anything else.

I'm sitting around, waiting on a miracle. Sure there are things I could be doing to pass the time so I don't have to think about these things so much, but unfortunately it always seems to creep up through my subconscious. Money has never been something I've ever had trouble trusting God with. He's always come through, and I've never doubted. Yet suddenly, when my back account is down to $7.92 and my pay cheque is not what I was hoping and it's only a few days before Christmas with gifts left to buy, tuition is only 3 weeks away, and my first rent cheque is due in 2...well I've been a little nervous. Especially when other people are telling me to plan for the worst and be prepared that I may not get the money I need. I try to explain that that is just not the way I operate, that faith is what I've chosen to live by; they don't understand the way I'd hoped they would.

All I know at the moment is that I have enough to get me through today. Probably enough to last me until the New Year. So why worry? God has pulled more amazing stuff out of His infinite hat before; $3600 is nothing to Him.

I just have absolute peace that some way, somehow, He's going to make this happen. So who am I to doubt? ...and maybe my faith in this area of my life will help me to trust in other areas as well. I'm not letting go of this hope.

Sometimes Exactly What I Think I Need is...Well, Exactly What I Need

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I don't usually like to start blogs with song lyrics. I only use lyrics to title blogs when the song is what I cannot get out of my head. However, once I picked this picture there were no other words on my mind.

Today is Saturday. Last night I left for Birch Bay for a weekend retreat with my second family, aka my church leadership team. We're here until tomorrow morning, and it's been so refreshing to just...rest. Yesterday was my first in a new installment of Sabbaths that I'm hoping will grace my every Friday. To take an entire day off from school work and responsibilities is something I haven't done in...years? Years. (deep breath) ...that is a very long time.

On this first Sabbath of many to come, I slept in until 1, had a mandatory but relaxed meeting with my lawyer, watched a movie, and left for the retreat. And all day today has been nothing but church planning and vision casting and just hanging out. I feel like my smiles are genuine today. This is refreshment.

Tomorrow is back to responsibility and ministry and homework and laundry, but for now I can take it one day at a time and just...be. I'm finally realizing who I am and it's wonderful to feel free to be me right now, and nothing more.