Day 1 - When We've Been There

Today marks the beginning of another. Hello, round three. I will not be talking about it much, except in minutely interesting side references in blog titles, but it is the start and that requires I take some note of it.

I have hit a place where I have finally had enough. God and I are not close enough. I flee genuine relationship with Him like it is something I should fear, something I may lose my life over. Heh. Right. And then I sit here in my desert of terror instead of on the frightless island of my own making that is as easy to get to as closing my eyes. I need to get over whatever this is and let Him save me all the way.

Get ready. This semester just got a whole lot slower.



That horrible letdown of defenses after a ridiculously long period of stress that leads to sickness.
I hate it. Being surrounded by the pressure of stress so tightly that, when it finally stops constricting, it still leaves me without breath.

I just watched a show where a boa constrictor was squeezing a guy to death, but they couldn't remove the snake because it had crushed his bones and if they did he would bleed out. The same thing that was killing him was also keeping him alive.

Ironic. One of the main stresses being removed meant letting go of the strict schedule that had kept me breathing. Now I have to reconstruct from the ground up all over again. I need to remind myself why I wake up in the morning instead of robotically going through the motions just to make it through the day.

There must be purpose beyond this.


Day 150

Also known as the day I can officially stop counting. But I do not want this to change my resolve. No matter how drunk on freedom I might be, I need to stay strong.

All I know right now is that I am very very tired and need sleep more than these delicious chili crispy minis or the heater or Community.

Oh, and I really like wasting time.



What I need right now.

  • A hot shower.
  • A big hug.
  • Three shots of tequila.
  • A back rub.
  • To go swimming.
  • New shoes.
  • A bagel with cream cheese.
  • To be able to see the stars.
  • Someone to sit me down, say what I need to hear, and mean it.
  • More perfume.
  • For my coat to be dry.
  • A bouquet of cheerful flowers.
  • A downpour.
  • Chinese take-out.
  • To quit school.

Things I don't need right now.

  • Another black tank top.
  • A glass of milk.
  • A painting of a toilet.
  • Another reason to just throw it in.

Things I'm thankful for, anyway.

  • Jesus.
  • Straight teeth.
  • Imminent sleep.
  • Chocolate.
  • Jesus.


Beyond Where We Should Have Gone

Don't. Waste. Your. Life.

What does that even look like.
I. I am without the means to continue in the same way. If I were to stay here, stay the same...I would die. I have been suffocating for months.

For one, small, barely conceivable moment, I felt the tiniest breath of freedom. The weight was gone, the air was clean. It was but a moment. This. This is a cheesy song that everyone else laughs at but breaks my heart. The lyrics have become a haunting part of me.

Pray, pray, pray, seek, beg, pray, beg. Please please please please please fight for me I cannot fight for myself it never worked it won't work now just please please please fight fight for me on my behalf nothing I do will do anything I need You to fight please please fight.



I'm hanging on another day just to see what You will throw my way.

That anthem is slowly dying.


Drops of Jupiter in Her Hair

This whole expression is meant to say more than the words. I am struggling for how to describe even that, so how can I possibly hope to say the volumes beneath? I want to capture a thought so perfectly that it just...clicks into its own place in the universe. Everything held its breath until that one thing for which it has been waiting.



Sunshine Sure Looks Good on You

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who complain all the time. There is a big difference between honestly telling someone how you're doing and going to ridiculous measures to make sure they know every little thing that is wrong. Maybe I'm still majorly lacking the gifts of mercy and compassion but, even here in my better state, I run out of patience with that kind of thing easily.

With that being said, it's rare that people know when things are genuinely wrong with me. I complain about stupid things just because they don't matter and keep the real to myself. I don't know if this is a good thing, it's just my thing. The last few weeks have been really hard to do that with, however. Tonight was especially bad because I had a KILLER migraine, which wasn't easy to hide. I suppose I could have spent the night in my room instead of curling up in the Aframe, but there is nothing worse than feeling terrible while being alone and unable to sleep.

I'm beginning to think it may be to my own detriment that I do not share what I'm going through all the time. But I don't know. I'm torn...thus this ridiculous blog that just goes back and forth. So here's the thing...my back is killing me. Literally. Maybe 5% of people know this, and even then...yeah. It takes all my energy, sucks me dry, and leaves me emotionally wrecked for everyone else to deal with. It does not appear to be getting better. I am stuck in the body of a 70-year-old, with most of the limitations that come with that (except I still have all my teeth, thank goodness). Add every other stress, and suddenly I'm back to wondering how I manage to get up each morning.

But I can't go back there! That was dark and hopeless and meant sleeping 16 hours a day.

This is the closest I may ever come to complaining about it. I hate that I even said this, but if I cannot be honest here then I am at a loss for where would be alright. This feels unbeatable.


Somewhere with You

laughing loud on a carnival ride

Exciting activity of the week: I kind of want to do cartwheels all the way down the driveway, and I do mean all the way.

pick me up at 3am

Decision of the week: I tried, and I'm done. This working isn't. <- Profound. I need to do something that excites me! I will not waste my life. Therefore, I need a new church.

the rain came down and we took cover

Thought of the week: I am just waiting for everything to come crashing down. I am afraid of being done in by my own stupidity and scaredness.

I hate my life, hold onto me

Love of the week: Doritos. I have not had one, but I need one. And then another. And then three bags. Yes, doritos.

it's just a temporary high, because when I close my eyes...


Then I Guess I'll Be Alabama Bound

I have started writing this five different times and cannot find the words.

The closest I have come:
I wish I were a better person.


I'll Drive All the Way to California

Millions of thoughts running through my head. Here's a brief summation:

  • I want a new car. Desperately. I need to drive and drive and drive. When I leave driving too long, it drives me up the wall and I forget that I know how and I become paranoid and begin to doubt my skills. Which I obviously have. I don't just want to drive anywhere, I want to go somewhere hot and somewhat exotic and far away. It's becoming a need. I need a new car so I can do these things.
  • I miss California. I did not want to go for reading break, but now I miss it. I drove down twice in '06, and once in '09 and '10 respectively. I miss it. I miss the smell and the ocean and the stretch of the I5 between kill-me-now-nowhere, California, and Los Angeles. I miss the winding highway between kill-me-now-hotness, Nevada, and TGI-In-n-Out-Burger in Redding. I miss shorts and a bikini at 90 mph.
  • I am burning to do something significant with my life. For God. Now. Yet here I sit in school, unable to emerge until I have my degree, and I feel trapped. I want the knowledge, I love to learn; more than that, I want to make a dent. I have done too little for too long. I feel useless.
  • Seven. Final offer.
  • I would like to start doing one thrilling thing a week. If I do, life will have landmarks and I may just smile more. I love smiling, and I love being thrilled out of my mind. This is a must.
  • I despise intensives and everything they stand for and pretend to accomplish. Especially week-long-ers. Especially weekend-ers. Especially ones with books and work and teachers and people.
  • I love Hebrew. Love, love, love. Fluency will eventually become me nicely.
  • I am torn about a huge issue in my life. If I continue in the way I am headed, potential disaster. If I quit now, will I ever let go and just do what I want? The big question: do I keep the 4" orange heels or return them and get something wonderful but not as exciting? I only have days left to decide. What do I do?!!?!
  • My hair is getting longer. I miss my short hair suddenly (thus my completely unflattering but totally nostalgic fb profile picture), but if I cut it now I will hurt myself. Ugh. I just want it uber long or right back to short. NO! It will be long. The end.
  • Waffles with strawberries would make my life right now.
Basically, I think too much. That is all


Do You Want to Run Away Together? (aka 2010 in Blog Titles)

I like a lot of things. Pandas. My deodorant collection. Applying make-up. Hard liquor. Roadtrips. Statistics. Today is about statistics. I could sit for hours and put together facts that A) no one cares about, B) someone else has already spent their life putting together but I want to do it myself, or C) I will not even care about by the time I finish. Tonight's endeavor is a combo of A and C, but I've wanted to do it forever!

I have come up with a compilation of what 2010 looked like in blog titles. Useless? Absolutely. Took over an hour? For sure. Made me feel like I accomplished something? Thank goodness. Seven hours of Community is not enough of an accomplishment for the day.

So, here are some of my findings, favourites and funnies. Of my 157 blogs in 2010:

  • 45.8% were song lyrics, nearly half of which were Taylor Swift and Lifehouse.
  • 10% were just Taylor Swift. Wow. It probably doesn't help that 90% of time spent blogging involves her singing to me.
  • Only 34% are my own words.
  • More than 10% are songs I would never admit to having heard, ever, in my lifetime.
  • Four were countdowns to major events.
  • One quoted a webcomic.
  • There were appearances from such movies as Sweet Home Alabama, Moulin Rouge and My Best Friend's Wedding.
  • Longest running series: Colour Series (see April 2010).
  • Favourite series ever: The Drowning Series (see May 2010).
  • Favourite original title: "Sit Down, Take a Load Off and Make a Sandwich with Me".
  • Favourite heretical title: "Doom is Imminent" (complete, of course, with a picture of the four horsemen of the apocalypse to depict life in Toronto).

Did I happen to mention how much I love statistics?

Other things I love:

  • Lists.
  • Gifts. I somehow had this idea for the longest time that it was not ladylike, proper or Christian to like gifts, but I adore them. Seriously.
  • Hugs. The really good kind.
  • Taylor Swift, and how she understands me even when no one else does.
  • Hello Kitty pajamas.
  • Eye contact.
  • Debating theology.
  • Audrey Hepburn. I have been missing out on her too long.
  • Sunrises, and everything that goes with them. This includes, but is not limited to: coffee, danishes, blankets, that perfect moment, a hand to hold...and potentially a "distraction" that makes me miss the sunrise entirely (because it is so elusive) but is worth it in every way.
  • Infomercials.

I should not blog at 2am. Lesson learned.


Cried the Whole Way Home

. change is inevitable . change is moving in the right direction . change is letting go of who you used to be . change is often imperceptible . change follows no rules . change confines . change never loses the war . change is forgetting what you once loved to embrace what you now must love . change makes or breaks . change is inevitable .

"Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be." - John Wooden.

"The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change." - Bill Clinton.

"People change and forget to tell each other." - Lillian Hellman.

"Everything you now do is something you have chosen to do. Some people don't want to believe that. But if you're over age twenty-one, your life is what you're making of it. To change your life, you need to change your priorities." - John C. Maxwell.

"The moment of change is the only poem." - Adrienne Rich.

I am obsessed with this word. If I do not let it have control, I will self-destruct trying to avoid it. I will only gain if I give up that which is not mine in the first place. Nothing here is mine. This is not my home. I am losing nothing.

. change is inevitable .


Turns Out Freedom Ain't Nothing but Missing You

What do I say?

...I said it all. And nothing at all.

That feeling, when the words are right there and so is the moment but if they came out I would be more surprised than anyone at their content, and everything would change.

I'll go back, all the time.


And I Feel You Forget Me like I used to Feel You Breathe

Today has been many things.
My first snow day in many years.
A perfect example of everything for which I have to be grateful.
A devastating shock to the system, signifying that I am still susceptible.
Surprising in its turn of events.
And very, very long.

I have bigger plans than here, larger fish to fry. Part of me wants to be gone and on with my life, the rest is terrified of what I will find. Here I at least know what I am facing.

I want more.


I Don't Know how to Be Something You Miss

Whenever dreams become reality, I wonder why I am surprised.

I do not know how to be more clear.



I Never Planned on You Changing Your Mind

There was a plan. A devastating, hard-to-comprehend-the-intricacies, life-length plan. I never planned on you changing your mind. There was only A. How do I switch to B, or the X I am now at, when there was never supposed to be anything but A?

It's always a dream. Life is fine, I am fine, and then a dream.

My subconscious doesn't understand, either.


Hold My Beer while I Kiss Your Girlfriend

Yesterday I took two naps.
Today I bought the highest heels I currently own.
Tomorrow I marry Tom Cruise.
Saturday I move back to school.
Sunday I will wear that shirt.
Monday is the day that classes begin.
Tuesday means lasers on my body.
Wednesday spells disaster, hospital, cake and new sweater.
Thursday feels like many things to do.
Friday will be the end of the week.

I am a planner.
Why am I still writing a paper for last semester?
Half done.
Half to go.


You've Got to Promise Not to Stop when I Say When

I have had much to think about lately, in case my most recent blogs have not alerted you to that endearing fact. Ooo...biting sarcasm rules the day again. Generally, in my case at least, contemplative thought eventually leads down that road.

Today has been a most trying day. It's not enough to deal with ICBC, provincial and federal student loans for hours on end, and appointments that never end, but let's add life in general. The high point? I went to bed at 6pm.

So, thoughts. Many bouncing around.
  • This is the first not as awesome day of 2011. I actually cried. Ugh. I detest crying.
  • Student loans blow. I will be poor forever.
  • I hate hate HATE not having a car. And to find out I may never get another one is stupid. And as if I want to go to court over this! ARGH.
  • This thing, which shall remain nameless, is useless to me now. Go away.
  • Taylor Swift is absolutely gorgeous.
  • Legs should be naturally smooth. Life would be about 10,000x more magical, and about 1/4 as complicated.
  • Student loans are the worst thing of life. It doesn't help that they rob me blind, take a billion calls an hour through one phone line, and then say ridiculously rude things for fun.
  • Coffee is delicious.

Time for second sleep? Perhaps.

...Or not!

So along with thoughts go many other thoughts, and they lead to other thoughts which eventually lead you to random quotes that feel not-so-random and make me cry:
“Do not be in a hurry; depend upon it, the right Man will come at last; you will in the course of the next two or three years, meet with somebody more generally unexceptional than anyone you have yet known, who will love you as warmly as ever He did, and who will so completely attach you, that you will feel you never really loved before.”
- Jane Austen


And the Wonder of It All

I love snow. There has been snow on the ground here for almost a week and it just makes me glow. Not in a pregnant kind of way, as my brother and cousin have been telling everyone (and I do mean everyone. My first time at a church? Good time to declare it. Christmas and New Years with the fam? Excellent opportunity to talk about what would "hurt baby"), but in snow glow kind of way (and not snow globe either. Those are annoying...and by annoying I mean I love them but have never had one and am therefore bitter. I hate them). Snow is pretty and crisp and cold and makes people do crazy things like tackle each other into snow banks or smash into the back of another person's car or get on a flimsy board with little padding on for the "fun" of flying down a mountainside (one again, bitterness shining through. I love snowboarding but have only gone once. Therefore, more bitterness). It also makes magical things happen. Mittens and gloves and boots and scarves and toques fall into perfect place and make everything warm, yet somehow never warm enough to warrant turning down a hug...etc. It also makes people ramble. They see the snow, smell it, feel it instinctively in the air, and suddenly feel the need to speak in crazy tones that never end. Or be silent. Snow is a silent affair. It brings quietness of soul that stretches for minutes that last months. So far, 2011 has been very good to me. Snow, let's strike a deal. You stay all year and I will stay happy. Sound like a plan?


If This Ain't Love, then How do We Get Out?

This has been a contemplative break: lots to think about and decisions that are somehow necessary but not imminent. If you know me at all, however, you know that I unnecessarily make the give-it-time's imminent. For joy? For something that wouldn't be pretty coming out of my mouth.

I am about to go watch Notting Hill for the second time in a month, and I am thrilled to no end. Why? Well...wouldn't it be nice? Take a stroll, have a man dump orange juice all over my shirt, offer me his house and his shirt and his shower and his life, and never look back.

So far, 2011 is better. I will be real, though. It will probably not remain here in the realm of "okay," as I typically flit from high to djfhcjvxbnbr in .0463 seconds with no warning except for accelerated heart rate (and as I do not continuously hold my index and middle finger to my throat, it is not always immediately apparent). 2011 sits better with me, too. I have a weird thing with numbers. I never liked 2010. Ugh. Even to see it written there is bizarre. What a strange combination of numerals. 2011. Ah. Much better.

I just want to save you while there's still something left to save. Woah, oh oh oh. Oh oh oh, oh.


All in All

Now, with 2.633 hours of perspective, I feel that I am better able to do 2010 justice. Yes, there was a lot of school. A lot. But there was also so much more.

Much of it is in the dark (which led to such a mundane list yesterday), but the things that shine through are worth noting.

I ate a lot of instant noodles, be it in the form of soup, KD, or chow mien.
I lived in another basement, with very different people from last time. It held some of the best times, but I wouldn't go back.
I went on two roadtrips. One ended prematurely in Jasper, leaving us stranded and cold and hungry and alive. The other brought me through five states and five thousand kilometers in three days, and left me crying and praying and breathing again.
I checked, there were two car accidents this year. January and November. After January and the two roadtrips this year and one last year, November finally did in Cameron. Poor Cameron.
I had my heart broken enough to need several transplant surgeries, and then I broke my own.
I had front row seats to the demise of my personal civilization; everything I worked for, gone.
I have had the most wonderful year of seeing the most wonderful man. Please don't read too much into that.
I watched six seasons of Gilmore Girls (fourth time through) in less than two months, and watched countless other series from my bed, the smoker's couch, my creaky chair and my good chair. Oh the days.
I went to Toronto and made it back alive, despite many desperate phone calls, skype dates and tearful outbursts, which, at the time, suggested I would not be so lucky.
I fell in love with God again. Even without feeling Him. Then I lost it again. I am going to get it back again.
Heh. Right. I also survived. It is 2011 and I am still here.