Sunshine Sure Looks Good on You

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who complain all the time. There is a big difference between honestly telling someone how you're doing and going to ridiculous measures to make sure they know every little thing that is wrong. Maybe I'm still majorly lacking the gifts of mercy and compassion but, even here in my better state, I run out of patience with that kind of thing easily.

With that being said, it's rare that people know when things are genuinely wrong with me. I complain about stupid things just because they don't matter and keep the real to myself. I don't know if this is a good thing, it's just my thing. The last few weeks have been really hard to do that with, however. Tonight was especially bad because I had a KILLER migraine, which wasn't easy to hide. I suppose I could have spent the night in my room instead of curling up in the Aframe, but there is nothing worse than feeling terrible while being alone and unable to sleep.

I'm beginning to think it may be to my own detriment that I do not share what I'm going through all the time. But I don't know. I'm torn...thus this ridiculous blog that just goes back and forth. So here's the thing...my back is killing me. Literally. Maybe 5% of people know this, and even then...yeah. It takes all my energy, sucks me dry, and leaves me emotionally wrecked for everyone else to deal with. It does not appear to be getting better. I am stuck in the body of a 70-year-old, with most of the limitations that come with that (except I still have all my teeth, thank goodness). Add every other stress, and suddenly I'm back to wondering how I manage to get up each morning.

But I can't go back there! That was dark and hopeless and meant sleeping 16 hours a day.

This is the closest I may ever come to complaining about it. I hate that I even said this, but if I cannot be honest here then I am at a loss for where would be alright. This feels unbeatable.

If Ever, Now Is the Time

1. Revelation of the week: Jesus saved me. I called, He answered, He rescued me. And long before I called, He called me out of the dirty cesspools of the earth to be perfect in His sight. That mistake I made five years ago? He saved me from the need for it before I made the decision to ruin a piece of my life forever, and then saved me from the guilt and shame afterwards. He did the same with every mistake since, and will continue to do the same for every poor choice I will ever make for the rest of my life. If I come up against a situation tomorrow, it amazes me that I can take a step back, assess, and realize that I am not a slave to those wants or selfish desires because He already saved me from them. I get this picture of me laying in this puddle of mud, looking longingly into the muck around me as if it is both everything I want and everything I hate within myself, and He is standing over me just holding out His hand and waiting to lift me out. I am not in too deep. I never have been. Before the creation of the universe, He had already predetermined to save me from the temptation to sin that I will face tomorrow, and hopefully by His grace I will succeed in holding on to this knowledge.
2. More than a month into the school year now, I am trying to re-evaluate how successful I have been in attaining the goals I set out to accomplish. Honestly, I feel like a failure. I haven't done anything wrong, but I still feel as though the weight of expectation is crushing me and I cannot just be myself. I can no longer just be. I either sit very close to the line because otherwise I would need to be a hermit, or I plant myself far away from the line and get burned by those who are supposed to be my allies. Sometimes I still ask myself why I haven't given up yet. I am appreciating this time of reflection and being free from certain tendencies that only lead to self-destruction, but I am beginning to feel smothered. I am either doing what is technically right but still feeling guilt (and I cannot tell if it is false guilt or the good kind designed to lead me to repentance) or doing what the letter says is right and feeling alone. I know I can press through if I just try hard enough, but at what point does sheer will fail me and leave me a heap of regret on the floor?
3. This weekend is a four day holiday for me (Thanksgiving on Monday and no class Tuesday), so I am using it to catch up on all my schoolwork and prepare for the coming week. I just need to press on, get down to the nitty-gritty, and realize that procrastination will only hurt me in the long run.
4. I don't have time, and it's not on my list of 100 books to read because I already have, but I am going to start reading Gone with the Wind again. I will not become her. I will not make her mistakes.
5. It is raining hard outside, the wind is blowing up a gale, and it is surprisingly warm for the middle of the night. All this to say, it is again the middle of the night. Old habits die hard. It looks like this may be another semester that is consistently visited by the A.M. fairy. What I wouldn't give to feel most invigorated and alive at 3 in the P.M. instead of the A.M.

I'm hopelessly lost without You.

I Feel Seventy-Four Years Old

I feel old and gray and all the things I never want to be. I have realized a truth about myself tonight that reveals more about me than I ever thought any one thing could. AH is for honesty.

I am scared to death of commitment.

This coming from the girl who has wanted to be married since before she could walk, and who wants kids even more. It's not that I don't want to be committed to someone or spend my life with them...I've just become so accustomed to the pattern:
A. Meet guy.
B. Some level of commitment.
C. Fall in love (optional).
D. End on someone's account.
E. Start again.
As much as I want to eliminate D and E from the itinerary eventually, I haven't yet realized that it will actually happen. I'm insane.

I'm so glad that God is helping me work through this totally irrational, though very real, fear now; when it comes time to actually commit totally to someone I should be over it. And by should be, I mean that every second I type and every moment my heart has to wrap around the idea is only bringing me closer to good feelings on this topic too.

Today I got burned at work, broke a nail, saw Star Trek and have spent the majority of my time on some very deep thoughts. This is what I KNOW:
1. Every one of these thoughts and struggles is for a purpose that He is working towards.
2. I am NOT alone.
3. This peace is unlike any other, and I am going to cling to the One who gave it to me instead of the peace itself.

I don't know where this is going, and I don't know if you care. All I know is that I don't know how much longer I can go on in this in-between state that I always seem to get caught in.

WARNING, Y'all

I'm starting to feel a little bit guilty for baring my soul this way. Is it fair? I don't know. Someone suggested that I journal where no one can see it but me, but that defeats the entire purpose. If I don't release some of this into a place that isn't necessarily "safe," then I am not healing. So here is my word of caution: if you don't want to know how I feel, because I plan on being fairly open and honest, then please don't read any further.

I think I'm doing a lot better than before. I listened to music again today, finally, without it being James Blundt. That shows growth, right? And I'm up to some snacky meals, rather than a few nothings when someone makes me have. It's not that I've been starving myself; gosh, that's all I need is people thinking I'm anorexic. Usually when I am going through a hard time, I eat at every possible moment to distract myself. So when I don't want to eat at all, I know something is really wrong. Aaand now I feel like it looks like I'm asking for pity, which I'm not. Sometimes I just need to admit the worst things in myself before I can begin to change them...even if it's to no one in particular. So here I go:

I've been struggling with the worst indecision of my life. Praying is the only way I'm making it through every second, but the majority of it is yelling at God. It's a fight just to want to hear what He has to say, let alone to listen. Deep down, I know He has the best for me. I just...I don't know how to give up something this important.

And then He leads me here: "Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed Him as His counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten Him, and who taught Him the right way? Who was it that taught Him knowledge or showed Him the path of understanding?" (Isaiah 40:13, 14).

Who the frick am I? I am no one. He loves me, but that doesn't make me His equal. I need to be willing to not only go along with His will, but also to throw myself whole-heartedly into it. I know that as soon as I fully grasp this, I'll know His will. But for now I'm too scared to find out what it is, so I continue to desperately grasp onto what I no longer have.

If any of you stuck around long enough to read this, I could seriously use some prayer right now. Thanks. And sorry.

We Could All Use a Little

Let's be honest for a moment. Let's take a good long look at "stuff," and be truthful in the face of a loss of depth perception. I think we could all use a little honesty.

I have run out of words: to describe how I feel, to put into the world something beautiful instead of always taking, to feel that I am doing something that matters. Everything used to be about words for me. How could I say something just right, so that no one would ever doubt me again? Is it possible to be right all the time? Obviously. But then I'd never have the satisfaction of being right, because I wouldn't know what it is to err.

I've run out of love. Wherever it was that used to produce x amount for me daily, weekly, monthly; for Him, for him, for her, for them, for me...that spot has run dry. And I don't know how to fill it back up again.

I'm completely out of ideas on how to be who I want to be again. Just when I thought it was all back together, it's not.

Honestly? Aloneness is a disease. It's a sickness that wakes me in the middle of the night, plagues my thoughts and corrupts my attitude. I don't want to be alone, live alone, die alone.

So here I sit. 20.6 years old, and I'm already scared to die alone. I FEEL LIKE I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME! The worst part? I don't know what I'm rushing to. I don't know what I'm running from. I am just a scared kid, and I can't break out of this rut!!!!


When we get down to it, we could all use a little bit of something. For me, it's honestly. I'm sure everyone has their own thing. But right now, honestly, it's honesty.

Where did it all go wrong?
I do not know.

Phoenix Day 4

This picture looks almost identical to a picture I took today, except it wasn't at sunrise. This leads me to believe one of two things:
a. It was taken at the same location I was at today, or
b. It was taken freaking anywhere in Arizona because every cactus and horizon and desert space look exactly the same!

Today we went to a Greek Orthodox monastery. To be honest, I didn't really want to go. Mostly I just didn't know what to expect, and the dress is less than to be desired (oh, didn't I mention that I went to stay in an Amish community?). But I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time I felt as at peace as I did in that place. Fountains everywhere, beautiful architecture, art and decor all from Greece, and the most amazing vegetation I've ever seen. Everything smelled wonderful, and even the children sensed the need to walk softly and speak in whispers. In that moment I considered becoming a nun.

But who am I kidding?

It really was amazing, though. Despite the migraine. I've had a near-constant migraine since the night I got here, and I can't shake it. I think it has to do with a combo of random eating times and blinding sunshine.

Tomorrow is pool day. We're going to sit by the pool all day because it's supposed to reach about 20 celsius, and I'm going to finish my Holy Spirit book. That's the goal. I've also been told that I don't need to bother shaving my legs because everyone here is so old they won't be able to tell anyway. This is def my kind of place.

Despite the constantly beautiful weather (I haven't seen a cloud yet) and the t-shirt temperatures, I miss snow. My body isn't cut out for warm winters. As much as I'm enjoying the rest, I can't wait to get back.