Blue Christmas

I'm the deluded child who lies awake on Christmas Eve, trying to hear Santa's bells and his laugh bellowing from the roof. I'm the successful twenty-something who still cries herself to sleep at night, hoping her daddy will finally come home after twelve years of broken promises. At least, that's as close as I can come to describing how I feel. I never believed in Santa and I hate being pitied...but right now, that's where I'm at.

Two weeks, and no visit.
And I sit by the phone in faithful expectation, awaiting a bang at the gate and a knock at the door. I'm waiting to find out if their busy schedules are more important than me. I need them, and they're busy doing what needs to get done, only twenty minutes away. An hour out of their day is all I ask; twenty to drive here, twenty spent here, and twenty to drive home.
Apparently I ask too much. Homework it is.

Two weeks, and still no visit.


Getting Over the Hump

I'm getting over the hump. Yesterday was critical, today was easier.
And then I was in ANOTHER car accident.
Count 'em, folks. 5! Five. Cinq. AH!
The dude cut across the twenty-foot-wide bright yellow STAY-THE-EFF-OFF-ME dividing space between where he was driving and the exit ramp I was on, barely missing the garbage-cans-full-of-water things that keep you from crashing into concrete, and straight into me.
Good times.

I just got my second wind for today and unfortunately it's now 12:04am, which means I've wasted my entire second wind for the whole day and I'm only four minutes in.
As my gamer brother would say, "EPIC FAIL!"

So second wind. Could have used that about three hours ago when I was hyperventilating and screaming through my windshield at the guy who thought that killing me for pleasure would be the perfect cherry on top of his weekend.
Or four hours ago when I lost the most epic pingpong game of my life (but have no fear, I beat someone better two minutes later).
Or ten hours ago when I stopped studying because I was "exhausted."

I miss the way things used to be.


OMG OMG OMG...Yes!!!

So tonight I watched The Office, and *SPOILER ALERT* it was the one where Jim proposes to Pam. And it got me in the mood. To say "YES!" that is. He's just so suave about it. Ooh man, yes I am in the mood.

Most days I will tell you I am not ready to be in a relationship. In fact, I don't even have the remotest desire to be putting my energy into that right now. But there is something about the down-on-one-knee-asking-for-my-hand-forever-and-til-death-parts-us that does something a little funny in my heart.

I think God knew what He was doing when He said it wasn't good for man to be alone. But I know that whoever he (for me) will be, I don't want him to approach an empty shell. I would like to be whole again before I give my 100% to become a new 100% with someone else.

So I guess that settles it from now on.



Last night I dumped my imaginary boyfriend. He's not imaginary in the usual sense of the word, though. When children have imaginary friends, they play with them and pretend to see them and talk as if they're real. My difference, I guess, is that I know he's not real but I talk to him anyway. It gives me somewhere to vent and voice my feelings without actually having repercussions. And let's face it, he listens better than any other guy I know.

It was never over-the-top crazy or as if I thought I actually had a boyfriend, and I realize that I'm making it sound worse and worse by the second, but I've just felt really...un-heard lately. Even people who are paid to listen to me don't seem interested. And the solitude. Once talking to myself got old, I realized that an imaginary boyfriend was the best solution. Of course he would understand my point of view and still love me no matter what I'd done that day, and I'd never have to deal with all the messy parts of relationships.

I just realized I sound like the girl from that movie...you know, the one where she has an imaginary boyfriend? I was never to the point where I couldn't have a real one because the fake one told me I couldn't; I have never pretended to the entire world that he really does exist and everyone just happens to not be around whenever he comes by. In fact, this is the first time I've shared about this at all.

It was silly, childish, whatever else you want to call it. But it helped.

And now to why I dumped him. Lying in my bed, talking to him because that's better than conversing with myself, I realized that I just need to be okay when it's just me. No pretend man in my head, no real one by my side, and no just-in-case's for if I'm lonely. I hate being lonely...but I need to grow up at some point. Who am I when it's just me alone in the room? What do I think about? Who do I become? I need to really discover her, know her, bring her to the surface and to all situations before I can ever bring someone else into this mess.

So I dumped him, started a new journey, and went to sleep by myself...with the help of my Panda named Craig.


Given a Chance, I'm Gonna Be Somebody

It’s too late to not be in bed, but I’m too inspired to turn my brain off. Inspired by what? Me. The Leanne of this time last year. She was so down to earth, sure but with room to grow, and vivacious. I’d love to be her.

Question of the night. If I really, truly, once and for all let go of a “truth” I’ve held on to for over three years, will I always regret not sticking it out to find out if it’s really true or not? I know that I have gotten pretty good at pushing down feelings and emotions until they’re crushed into oblivion, but is this the same? Maybe this is the one I’d never get over.

I read back, and even then I was starting to ask the questions that plague me every day. What if I just left? Disappeared? Gave my life over to the things that would make it easier to make it through each day? Found a way to be satisfied with less than I know I deserve? Lived a life that seemed perfect on the outside, all the while convincing myself it’s for the best until one day I believe there is nothing more to live for?

I am scared. Worried. Frightened. Terrified that I am going to give in. Heroes are those who don’t give in to the easy way out when they have the chance. I want to be that. But my back is up against the wall and I’m expected to scale it, even with my muscleless arms and no rope or any way over or around or under. I’m cornered and my only choice is surrender. So who will I surrender to in the end? Jesus, who would have me die daily for Him? Or this easier, less challenging Nothingness that would also have me die for it?

Either way, it looks like I’m not coming out of this alive.


The Point is the Tip is the Pinnacle

1:34 A.M. / 3:43 A.M. / 2:34 A.M / 2:05 A.M. / 12:27 A.M. / 3:31 A.M.

These are the timestamps for my last six blogs. See the theme? And I mean besides eerily similar numbers over and over. They are all in the A.M., they are all later than I should be doing anything except sleeping, and they're all separated by a forward slash. Ha...ha. This is also the starting time, meaning that some weren't even finished until an hour later.

This needs to change. I have to be up by 7 tomorrow. The last time I woke up at 7 was...the last time I had to for classes? Ugh. But I need to get used to it. I'm just not ready to commit yet.

The point I'm trying to make is that I don't know how to make myself change back. Or how to write a coherent blog.

If this were someone else and I saw this written, my tip to them would be...go to bed earlier. Dangit! But I don't want to. This is a sucky moment for hypotheticals.

If I am ever going to reach the person who I want to be, if I am ever going to be at that pinnacle I've been reaching for, I need to give up wants and start going with needs. And I NEED to sleep.

Full of Words, But Not the Right Ones

Tonight I sat in a car and had one of those alone-in-a-packed-room experiences. Literally packed full, and me alone in the midst of it. But what could I say?

I am so full of words to write, to think, to say...and none of them are the ones I need right now. Did I say too much tonight? Did I let a moment slip me by at 6:52pm? I am freer and more confined at the same time than I have ever been. Will February define me, or do I have to wait around for April? Is this the wrong music for an uplifted mood? Red is definitely my colour. I cannot wait until Monday afternoon. Who will I be tomorrow?

And it's enough thoughts to build a city, but none of them will bring anyone to it.


It's That Time of Night Again

Once again it's after 3 AM and the call to blog is stronger than the call of my bed. I spent the night with a good friend, accomplished an item on my wishlist, and conquered one of my New Year's Resolutions. Score.

I got home at about 3, and spent over 20 minutes plucking my eyebrows (the tiredness might have contributed to how long it took). Then I contemplated finishing a movie I started earlier, but decided against it (which I am now extremely thankful for).

But the real reason I'm here at this awful hour. At one point today, sitting, accomplishing something, I was suddenly myself in a way I never have been before. It was bizarre and confusing and strangely peaceful. I am a BADA**! Which I realize is negated by my use of *s. But the point remains the same! I discovered myself in the fulfilling of a dream that's not on most people's top tens. And the red nailpolish was the kicker.

I'm simple to impress, I guess, even when it's me vying for my own approval.


Confessions of a...Masochistaholic?

I haven't opened my Bible since school ended. I love my Bible. I love reading it and getting into it and burying myself in it and holding on to its truths. But I don't like me lately. So, instead of allowing its beauty and wisdom to infiltrate my (insert any given word here: sadness, heartache, numbness, etc.), I harden my heart further and let nothing in. Nothing is safer than everything. ...Because lately, I've found almost everything is all or nothing.

I haven't opened my Bible since school ended. For assignments, I use Bible gateway. When people write me letters or give me verses, I read what's on the sheet and nothing more. I have hardened myself against it because it hurts too bad. Praying has been difficult too. What do I say to a God who I don't know how to speak to anymore? When all signs point to Him existing, but with that the weighty feeling that He must hate me to let this happen, how do I find the words?

And then. Tonight I go on Facebook, way too late as usual, and at the top of my home page, someone's status simply says: "Romans 8:28!" And I was compelled. Without a thought, my Bible was out and open. I started from the beginning of the section, and one verse in I was sobbing. Here it is:

"And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren; and whom He predestined, these He also called; and whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, 'For Thy sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

When I can't find the words anymore, Jesus and the Holy Spirit do it for me. They go beyond words for me, because I cannot do it myself. Despite all the spinning in my head, every word here makes perfect sense. There is room to conquer.

This song is my prayer right now. I don't have my own words, but these seem to do the trick:

this is my prayer in the desert / when all that's within me feels dry / this is my prayer in my hunger and need / my God is the God who provides / this is my prayer in the fire / in weakness or trial or pain / there is a faith proved of more worth than gold / so refine me Lord through the flame / this is my prayer in the battle / when triumph is still on its way / I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ / so firm on His promise I'll stand

I always just sang the words. Yet, right now in this moment, they mean something.

I don't know if this will change things. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and things will be exactly the same. But at least I can rewind for a second, look back at Wednesday, January 6th at 3:05am and remember that, even for a split second, I had hope.


Back When I Was Your Age...

I'm about to go watch The Little Mermaid and I'm so stoked! I got it on DVD for Christmas last year, and I have only watched it once since. Lately, however, Ariel has been calling me back and I'm so excited!

I loved being little. I had every line to all my favourite Disney movies memorized, picking which one to watch first was my greatest dilemma, and the only scary things I knew of were Jafar and Ursula. And so, for the next hour and a half (remember when all movies were only that long?!) I get to go back to being that kid again. Did I mention how stoked I am?

And yet. I have grown a lot since then, and new things stick out that never did before. Especially the things I once thought so possible, and now literally seem to only be possible in that fairytale. Naivety was so much easier.

"What would I give to live where you are?
What would I pay to stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you smiling at me?"

Ariel asks a very interesting question. I wonder if I would give up what she did.


The Upside of Ditching the Big Oh-Nine

I like blogging. I don't know why I stopped lately. Two in two days is brilliant, I think. Working backwards from the new year. At this rate, I'll be back in 1999 by the time school is back in.

Oh, yes. The upside:
- I already smile more.
- I like oddly even numbers. 2009 just didn't do it for me.
- I already have a movie date with my little cousin.
- Olympics are better than pre-construction to look better for the Olympics.
- Music is making more sense.
- Sleep and food are suddenly more becoming on me.
- I have a pile of candycanes and money on my desk and a (small) pile of new clothes on the floor, and nothing gets better than that.

Looking on the bright side seems like a better idea, too. I think 2010 has already made me smarter.

Welcome to the planet, Mr. New Year! Please be good to us as you take us hostage for the next 363 days.


Take a Deep Breath

It's 2010.

I don't really know what to make of that. Usually I do this on New Years' Eve, but there was no time. I like to reminisce; I like to think of all that I accomplished, all I am so glad I took a chance on, and all that I never want to repeat again.

I went to a party tonight that I didn't want to go to. I had a couple options, but I eventually chose this one because some of my closest friends would be there. Generally I don't really feel like I fit in with that group of people, but I decided to give it one last go. I wore my new green sweater (I had good feelings that good things were destined to happen in that sweater) and I went in just being myself. I wasn't trying to be who I thought I had to be to please them, I just went and...was. And I had the greatest New Years I can remember. It kind of makes me wish I had a lucky sweater for every day of the week.

I made a lot of mistakes this past year that have hurt a lot of people. But mostly I've just hurt me. I want to be different! I don't want to be this person I detest anymore. But words are easier than actions; ideals are simpler than bringing them to fruition. I don't know how to be better. I'm at the point where there's an impossible horizon somewhere in the distance, also called who and where I would like to be, but the mist is obscuring my vision. I'm stuck where I am.

This year was also full of so many beautiful things. And even now that they no longer are, I cannot bring myself to regret them. I want to give myself fully over to God's will; I think that those beautiful moments might stop being so rare. I miss Him. We were so tight, so in sync, and I let that go. I pushed, ran, hid, ignored, and lied to myself. I don't even remember the last time I opened my Bible. This is not who I want to be! This is not where I want to be! But the mist. It never ends.

It's 3 in the AM and a brand new year. I remember when I first heard that the Olympics would be in Vancouver in 2010. I was 15 and it seemed impossibly far off; an awesome picture of the future, but another thing that just never seemed like I would get to. Yet here I am. And I don't think I'm anything like who I thought I would be six years ago. That girl, at 15, expected great things out of me. I'm sure the last thing she would have ever imagined was a broke Bible college student with no solid plans for the future, still unmarried and taking a half break from the things I'm actually passionate about. She would have laughed. I'm not laughing. It's not that I mind being broke, because it's an awesome opportunity to trust God to carry me through; now that I'm here, Bible college isn't as bad as I imagined; and, I'm okay being single right now, because I definitely need a break. I just...I think I thought there would be more by now.

This next year holds a lot of promise. Most of it is up in the air, but I can't help but feel that this year is going to be good. Like with my sweater, I just have a feeling that good things will happen in it. This sudden optimism is puzzling and unfamiliar to the extreme. It feels so good.

I know that every day is a new day and a new chance to change things, but a new year just seems so much more...more opportunity I guess. I can look back over the year, sum it up, and work towards changing those things. I don't want to waste it.

Take a deep breath, Leanne. This is another chance to start over; this is the year you could finally be who you've always wanted to be.