You Can't Stop Wishing if You Don't Let Go

So simple, so obvious, so out of reach until Jack Johnson said it so poignantly. I have heard this song a hundred times and never heard this.

You can't stop wishing if you don't let go.

I am a holder-on-er. I love adventure and spontaneity and thrills; I despise change. It is mostly out of fear, because I am so darn afraid that I will not be able to readjust to my new circumstances. Example: I have worked the same job on and off for five years as jobs are available, and every time I am at a new location I almost don't go because what if they won't let me in or there's no parking or my boss has his phone off and I can't find them or I have, in this new setting, suddenly forgotten how to spin a crepe? I like reliability and time-proven examples to show that I am capable of something. I would rather pick up and move across the country on a whim than try a new sandwich place that is not Subway. All this to say that I hold on desperately to what I know and what is comfortable. For me. Like I said, moving across the country doesn't scare me as much as ordering a coffee at Blenz instead of Starbucks.

You can't stop wishing if you don't let go.

My memories are the same, as are plans and fantasies and goals. Easy to maintain, hard to exchange, and impossible to eliminate with nothing to put in its place. I am in the process of changing/rebuilding a lot of my dreams. Sometimes, though, I find myself caught up in the old wishes, almost out of habit.

You can't stop wishing if you don't let go.

New wish: I want my life as a whole to be an adventure. A year ago I would have told you that I want to do the same thing for the rest of my life, but now that seems so mundane. I want to spend three years in Cuba as a missionary, followed by two years working at Booster Juice to afford booster seats and cribs in Surrey, then five years at a new church plant in Winnipeg until it's time to travel around doing conferences and seminars for people who have the Bible all wrong. Or something to that effect. I don't know. That's not even what I want; what I want is to convey that I am so thrilled by the idea that I don't know. Which is strange. I am exchanging set dreams and goals for nothing, and I have never been so (scared) delighted.

I am letting go. No more wishing.


You'll Kill Yourself to Find Anything at All

This has been quite the week. Making a list just sounds pitiful, so instead I will go to a hiding place.
I love those moments of being silent in the midst of nothing. It is different from the silence of an empty room or everyone around me falling silent; there is something infinitely altered from that state, simplified even, to be away from everything else and to just be with Him. Standing on the side of a mountain in the darkness, staring out across miles of city lights until they meet water and mountains and sky; sitting on the beach, day cloudy and ocean stormy, seeing nothing but countless numbers of palette-blended gray; walking to breakfast through the mist, sun rising over the bog, being immersed in crisp, sparkling softness; a dim, hot beach in Mexico where He is the only One for thousands of miles. God is in the empty room and in the midst of words left unsaid, but it is in the times of nothing when it is just Him and I that I feel we are most connected.
This week has been beyond difficult, and Easier is not yet on the horizon. But He is. And He is watching from miles away and from the seat next to me and from the depths inside my heart. Wonderful, glorious realization.


We'll Kill Ourselves to Find Freedom

in the dark
finding pieces
pieces of peaces
outside myself
in the light of day
blinded in the simplicity
ecstasy of white
by myself

out of time
space has lost
lost its meaning
is this still where i am?


You Don't Know Me at All

It's been a long time since I blogged about tangible things, or so it seems to me. Thinking on ways to fix this, it came to me. I think I may have done a blog on this in the past (if I find it, I'll link it), but it will still be fun. Twenty-five random things about me:

  1. I once drove to California by myself just for an In-n-Out burger.
  2. I secretly desire to be one of those (psychotic) morning people who wakes up before dawn to exercise for two hours before breakfast. I love the idea of being that person, but my willpower and natural tendencies don't bend that way.
  3. The thought of ketchup makes me gag. Ketchup in reality is fine.
  4. A diamond has been falling out of my ring for nearly 2 years and I still have not had it fixed. I am scared that I will look down one day and it will be gone, but the idea of not wearing it so it can be fixed weirds me out.
  5. I would rather read the Message than the NLT.
  6. Every time I watch a TV show where people are driving in a car, I tense up for the entire scene and hold my breath because I am so scared they will be in an accident. And whenever I'm right, the jolt feels like I'm right in there with them.
  7. If I could, I would only ever wear red shoes.
  8. I enjoy cleaning bathrooms.
  9. Every time I start a new relationship with a man (okay, let's be real, it's usually been with boys), I keep tokens along the way "just in case." Then, when it ends, I dump it all except one thing. Then I hide that thing somewhere random where I will never think to look so that by the time I find it, I will smile because there will only be good memories left.
  10. Whenever I find myself thinking "if only my ______ were more ________," I now remind myself that it's God's way of keeping me humble. This brings me surprising peace. Rather than complaining that I can't sing, I don't tan, my eyes aren't big enough and I'm just the wrong height, I smile to myself and give God a small nudge of appreciation.
  11. I have not written a letter to my sponsor child, Bizi, since I started supporting him in January 2009. Every time I see his picture I feel guilty, but somehow never guilty enough to send him something. It was just his birthday again. He's 8 now.
  12. I love wearing giant, flashy earrings.
  13. Sometimes I have confidence. Sometimes I do not. The times I do are usually the times I am inadequate and should be humble, while the times I do not are often the times I am forgetting in Whom my confidence should be.
  14. I use a man's razor. I like red better than pink, and things that work better than pretty things that break.
  15. I am an introvert. The more I admit it and stop fighting who I am, the easier it becomes to just be.
  16. There are three weeks left of school. Part of me is desperately sad, but that is only the scared part; the rest of me, all 98%, is thrilled beyond words.
  17. My car's name is Zimbabwe, Zimi for short. She flies, sings, conditions and swings. And she holds my cups with confidence.
  18. For the first time in probably 6 months, I went to the graveyard on Thursday. It was hot like June and there were flowers everywhere and the wind stopped blowing and my heels were covered in mud and I trimmed the grass with my fingernails and I cried there for things I will never have. Seven years. Where did the time go?
  19. The more I see them, the more I love Gerber Daisies.
  20. I like who I am in the summer more than at any other time.
  21. It's been nearly a year since the end of everything I thought I was going to live my whole life for. Thank You, God, for taking it when You did. Despite the mess, You had the timing down to a T. I am not angry at You anymore.
  22. I will only be 22 for another 82 days. It has not been the hardest year. And things will only continue to go up.
  23. I am still saving BigMacs for marriage.
  24. I am out of my favourite perfume. By the time I get it again, it will be time to leave it behind. I miss smelling like me.
  25. I am learning a lot about what real love really is.



No time. Again. Ugh.

I am in danger of failing three of my classes because of not doing work. Bad. I have apparently forgotten how to do simple, menial tasks that are not hard but do require 30 seconds out of my day. Also bad. I am dangerously close to falling over the edge, not in the way I am used to, and it scares/excites the everything out of me. Bad?

I also only alternate between two kinds of deodorant at the moment.

Times are a-changin'.


Crunch Time

I have no time to blog, or think or eat or anything else. I have wasted the last few weeks (months?) putting off the things I need to do. Suddenly it's crunch time and I'm overwhelmed and that little voice inside is telling me "If only you had done it all when you had the time, there wouldn't be any stress now," but my logical self yells back "I didn't feel any more capable of doing it then than I do now!" Homework. I despise homework. Homework is not how I learn, nor is it conducive to making me more willing to learn. I like to teach myself and then talk with other people who have done the same. That's all. This business of attending classes and doing stupid weekly assignments and writing long-winded reports that will never apply to my life or ministry is suffocating.

I thought that deciding to not return next year would give me an energy boost to finish this semester well; in reality, it has made everything more difficult. There is no part of me that wants to do the work, except the nagging part telling me that if I were to return in a few years' time i would hate to re-take these courses. So. No desire, no real motivation, but between now and lunch (less than 2 hours) I plan to hammer out as much as can possibly be done. This does not feel like freedom, and it was for freedom that I was set free.


Composing a Symphony

I will be the first to admit that I really know nothing about music. I know what I love and what stirs my soul and what makes me wish I had been born without ears, but when it comes to the mechanics I am lost. Part of it is that I get impatient when I try to learn something, even if it comes naturally, and part is that I know that my life has a different purpose driving it. But just once, it would be nice to be crazy talented. Beyond the talent, though, there is a great misunderstanding between me and music. I understand that a particular swell or key change moves my heart, but I haven't a clue about the method behind it. Yet here I sit, composing a symphony.

Breaking my life down into movements is not difficult, as they generally revolve around God. By generally, I mean absolutely. I used to define years, when I was in high school, based on the guys in my life; I look back now and see no difference because they all blend together into a mash of mistakes and brokenness. Then God came on the scene: great in power and satisfying to the massive hole that transcended every part of my being. Holla, second movement. Then, as quickly as He came, He seemed to disappear. I know now that when God looks as though He is absent, it is either I who am absent or He is teaching me something. Or both. I have been floundering in a less than graceful manner ever since. Ebb and flow, high tide and low tide, flotsam and jetsam, driftwood and motorboat. I am a mess of life composition.

Today is a triumphant hailing of this movement's final notes. Life is moving with purpose again and I have never been so excited. I have money. I have a car. I have a career plan. I have the freedom of being nearly done with school for good. I have an expectation of good things to come. I have peace. This peace has been bought at a very great price, but it was worth every agonizing minute that led me here.

Thank you, God, for perfectly timing every second.

You Are Good to Me, Oh My Lord

This is my new baby! After nearly four months of carlessness (poor Cameron, RIP my love) I am once again the owner of something with wheels. And best of all, it didn't cost $1,750 (which both of my last two did). Hallelujah! Every need, He provides.

So I just stopped in to drop off a praise report. Life is falling together and I'm shocked but totally jazzed.


Sometimes These Thoughts Are More than Thoughts

You know when you say just the wrong thing at the wrong moment with the best intentions but those intentions are thwarted by a lack of saving grace (i.e. either right moment or right thing to save the one that was wrong) because, despite those best intentions, it is really not a wrong moment or a wrong thing but a wrong person to say it to?

You know when there is that perfect line in your head that will get the desired reaction if said with just such and such an intonation and enunciation and explanation and exclamation, and in your mind there is no fault in it except a delirious desire to be understood and a lack of fear that it could fail because how could it fail and oh gosh what if it fails because that never crossed your mind and then it does because no one line can save everything and because people are unpredictable and they fail too?

You know when you plan the future and it stretches out like a forever expanding and contracting roadmap of months and weather patterns and anticipated events and life seasons that looks like it is without a hitch so you begin to imagine hitches and fallout and easy fixes and really hard fixes, so you wait for the hitches and the hitches never come and with their lack of arrival comes a lack of need for all expected fixes, easy and really hard, and life plays out exactly the way the roadmap said it would and it's confusing and almost frustrating because life has taught that plans never go off without a hitch but here they are and suddenly fear can suck it?

You know when you think so deep and complicated that it hurts?
Yeah, that's right now.


Face, It's Been Awhile

I have not blogged in...sixteen days. That has to be almost a record. Here is the story:

1. I went to Mexico for a week. An all-inclusive, by myself, to get away from everyone and everything. No phone, no computer, just me. It was marvelous and lonely and relaxing and strange and exactly what I needed. I got the rest I needed as well as some much needed God time. As great as it was, though, I will probably never do something like that again; the lonely bit was almost too much to bear.

2. School. Only six weeks left. And I am done. I have decided not to return next year, unless something miraculous happens and everything about me, inside and out, changes. I am done. It is the most releasing, peaceful feeling. There is no regret in not graduating with the wonderful people I started this journey with, and no worry that I will not finish my degree. This is the season, so I am dressing for it.

3. I am getting fired up and passionate about the things that matter again. This is leaving very little time for being frivolous, at least in the amount that I have been the last long while, so blogging was cut for a little bit. Now it is time for some introspection.

I am finally excited, thrilled, to be alive. I have dreams, they are in the process of being made reality, and I have no choice but to trust God that He will come through again. It's indecisively crazy times like these that I live for. More thoughts to come, for now I just had to mark the occasion. OH! Realization. Someone challenged me the other day to recognize and record the big moments in life, like the Israelites erecting rock formations every time God moved. This blog is my collection of rock formations.