Pressure

No time. Again. Ugh.

I am in danger of failing three of my classes because of not doing work. Bad. I have apparently forgotten how to do simple, menial tasks that are not hard but do require 30 seconds out of my day. Also bad. I am dangerously close to falling over the edge, not in the way I am used to, and it scares/excites the everything out of me. Bad?

I also only alternate between two kinds of deodorant at the moment.

Times are a-changin'.

Hello Mr. Heartache

I feel kind of like I am waiting for my life to happen.

When does it begin? When do the trivialities cease in favour of an existence worth pursuing? When do dreams stop hanging on my walls and over my head and in my sleep, and start becoming the reality I know they were made to be?

When do I wake up from everything I could never be to the woman who always was but was too afraid to show her face?

"One of the saddest experiences is to awaken at old age and discover that one has been using only a small part of self."

- V. W. Burroughs

Find me here. Meet me here. In the depths of my pain, in the sorrow that is too profound for words. In these things is where I need You the most. In these things I drown. I need living water, the kind that does not make me thirst again; then I can stop drowning in a sea I am desperately trying to swallow in a futile attempt at quenching my craving. Be my everything.

Isn't She Everything You Need?

Arguably the most depressing time of year, here we are again welcoming Autumn. Besides the endless rain, sudden temperature drop and shortened days, I

cannot imagine why anyone would want to hide indoors and cower under the covers. Darn, guess I forgot to mention school, too. Exempting meals, I have no

freaking idea what I am doing of profit; I've loaded myself down with a

generous helping of 19 credit

hours per week, on top of homework, gratis, and life as

I used to know it. Just when I think it cannot possibly get any worse, God shows up with a new surprise: a

kick straight into a new ministry. Let me be clear that when I say I never intended to do

ministry this year, it does

not mean that I'm through with vocational ministry; all I'm saying is that if I had it my way, I would be taking what I perceive to be some much deserved R&R and allowing someone else to minister to me for a change. Obviously God has other

plans up His immense sleeves.

Quitting has never been something I have been good at. Reasonably speaking, there is very little that I ever consider quitting because of who I am and the passion that drives me,

so I am slow to commit unless I know it is something I'm willing

to give my life to

until God pulls me out.

Vancouver is still

where my heart is at, and nothing I do seems to quench the love I have for this place; not that I am

xenophobic or anything.

Yet, through all this, I guess the main thing I am trying to get across is that I have no idea whatsoever what God is planning, I feel as though I am getting in the way of the great things He would like to give me by my ridiculous, self-imposed schedule, and through it all I just feel very...alone.

Zebras, anyone?

Back to School Means Back to Blogging!

Every day that I don't focus on God brings me that much closer to losing myself again.

He has to be my focus.

He has to be my everything.

Nothing else matters.

God, I seriously need You. Please remind me when I'm being stupid. Put my focus back to the right place. Amen.

Oh How He Loves Us

God has been exceedingly clear. He loves me. Enough to hug me in my despair, enough to romance me with a rose and a love letter, enough to give someone else the perfect words at the perfect time. Oh, how He loves me.

And yet.

I know He has to be my everything, but it is such a lonely road. Every day is a struggle just to get myself out of bed, and I don't understand why He allows me to live this way...one moment at a time with no hope that morning will ever come.

I am in the middle of a desert, winter season. One or the other is bad enough, but both is nearly hopeless. Frozen cold with no end in sight, it is to be utterly alone.

I am done with the plastic smile stapled to my face; it has begun to fade over the last several days, and I think it's finally gone. I'm so exhausted by the energy it takes to be outwardly happy to make everyone else more comfortable. I refuse to sacrifice myself any longer so that your comfort is not disturbed.

I really am going to be okay. I know this. And they tell me all the time. It's just going to take awhile.