Drowning in the Ocean...A Big, Wide, Empty Ocean

When I'm walking and waiting and eating and engaging and conversing and crying and interacting and imagining and creating and cooking and laughing and lounging and showering and shopping and deciding and dreaming and fighting and flattering and sleeping and shivering and lying and living...I think I'm doing those things. I think I'm doing them convincingly well. I tell myself that this is just the way life is.

And then.

You walk into the room. Or call. Or just make eye contact. And all of a sudden, it's like I'm coming up for air. I realize that all this time that I thought I've been living like a normal person, in reality I have been holding my breath, drowning in a sea of withoutness.

I don't know how to live without you. I thought I did. I thought I could do life and be okay. But I'm not. And you might never know now.

Splat (aka The First Day of School)

Today is the first day of school. I didn't have classes, but that doesn't stop my former statement from being true.

Life here is not the same. Was I naive enough to expect that it could be? For sure. I just saw two people I haven't seen in at least 5 months and, it, too, was not what I thought it would be. There are some people that even time and a healing heart cannot replace.

Tomorrow I start classes and life goes back to "normal." I have homework, find a job, somehow squeeze in church, and what is supposedly normal returns to my life. If only I could somehow let go of how much last year meant to me. My relationship with God crashed, burned, and was built up again stronger than ever; I met some of the best friends I could ever hope to find; I found love that didn't demand more of me than I could offer and I lost it; I finally found the person I've been searching for all my life...myself.

And here I am. On the brink of a new cliff, trying to decide whether or not to jump. Only the next few weeks will tell. Do I stand around waiting on a parachute that will never come, or do I just take the leap and pray I don't SPLAT my body on the rocks?

Wreck

I am an emotional wreck, and I have no idea why. Normally I would chalk it up to something monthly and forget about it, but this has laid a hold of me and has transformed me into this mess who I, unfortunately, recognize.

Back in the tenth grade, I struggled with depression after the death of a family member, to the point where I could not function at a normal level. I cried at least once a day, often for no reason at all, and would be so uncontrollably emotional that people didn't want to be around me. Either that, or I would avoid people altogether so as to not bring about the tears.

I am not crazy to this extent - yet - but I feel myself on the verge of losing control. It takes all my focused effort to not cry when the simplest thing happens. The littlest things get blown out of proportion in my head and the tears are immediate.

Why am I blogging about this? I have no idea. I just started typing and here it is. Maybe this is just me being scared, and hoping that somehow, by this emotional vomit, I will be able to lay out the mess in my head and sort it into a pattern of thought that follows logic, twisted or not.