Day 1 - When We've Been There

Today marks the beginning of another. Hello, round three. I will not be talking about it much, except in minutely interesting side references in blog titles, but it is the start and that requires I take some note of it.

I have hit a place where I have finally had enough. God and I are not close enough. I flee genuine relationship with Him like it is something I should fear, something I may lose my life over. Heh. Right. And then I sit here in my desert of terror instead of on the frightless island of my own making that is as easy to get to as closing my eyes. I need to get over whatever this is and let Him save me all the way.

Get ready. This semester just got a whole lot slower.

Take a Deep Breath

It's 2010.

I don't really know what to make of that. Usually I do this on New Years' Eve, but there was no time. I like to reminisce; I like to think of all that I accomplished, all I am so glad I took a chance on, and all that I never want to repeat again.

I went to a party tonight that I didn't want to go to. I had a couple options, but I eventually chose this one because some of my closest friends would be there. Generally I don't really feel like I fit in with that group of people, but I decided to give it one last go. I wore my new green sweater (I had good feelings that good things were destined to happen in that sweater) and I went in just being myself. I wasn't trying to be who I thought I had to be to please them, I just went and...was. And I had the greatest New Years I can remember. It kind of makes me wish I had a lucky sweater for every day of the week.

I made a lot of mistakes this past year that have hurt a lot of people. But mostly I've just hurt me. I want to be different! I don't want to be this person I detest anymore. But words are easier than actions; ideals are simpler than bringing them to fruition. I don't know how to be better. I'm at the point where there's an impossible horizon somewhere in the distance, also called who and where I would like to be, but the mist is obscuring my vision. I'm stuck where I am.

This year was also full of so many beautiful things. And even now that they no longer are, I cannot bring myself to regret them. I want to give myself fully over to God's will; I think that those beautiful moments might stop being so rare. I miss Him. We were so tight, so in sync, and I let that go. I pushed, ran, hid, ignored, and lied to myself. I don't even remember the last time I opened my Bible. This is not who I want to be! This is not where I want to be! But the mist. It never ends.

It's 3 in the AM and a brand new year. I remember when I first heard that the Olympics would be in Vancouver in 2010. I was 15 and it seemed impossibly far off; an awesome picture of the future, but another thing that just never seemed like I would get to. Yet here I am. And I don't think I'm anything like who I thought I would be six years ago. That girl, at 15, expected great things out of me. I'm sure the last thing she would have ever imagined was a broke Bible college student with no solid plans for the future, still unmarried and taking a half break from the things I'm actually passionate about. She would have laughed. I'm not laughing. It's not that I mind being broke, because it's an awesome opportunity to trust God to carry me through; now that I'm here, Bible college isn't as bad as I imagined; and, I'm okay being single right now, because I definitely need a break. I just...I think I thought there would be more by now.

This next year holds a lot of promise. Most of it is up in the air, but I can't help but feel that this year is going to be good. Like with my sweater, I just have a feeling that good things will happen in it. This sudden optimism is puzzling and unfamiliar to the extreme. It feels so good.

I know that every day is a new day and a new chance to change things, but a new year just seems so much more...more opportunity I guess. I can look back over the year, sum it up, and work towards changing those things. I don't want to waste it.

Take a deep breath, Leanne. This is another chance to start over; this is the year you could finally be who you've always wanted to be.

This is the End, my Friends

This place is so depressing with almost everyone gone, and the rest leaving by tomorrow morning. I can literally feel the physical weight of nostalgia pressing on my chest. I won't be leaving until tomorrow morning, and already the burden of that is getting to me.

Steph left this morning at seven, and she hugged me good-bye in bed and left. The second she stepped out the door I could feel the emptiness, even with my eyes closed. The blank space where she should have been hovered above me, and I couldn't get back to sleep for what felt like hours.

As I lay there, wrapped in pink silk and feeling that perfect level of warmth to fall asleep, my mind kept me occupied with thoughts of this semester. My first semester is already over!

What did I learn? Did I learn anything, accomplish anything, feel anything out of the ordinary in the nearly four months I've been here? I learned that procrastination may have been cute when I was 15, but it doesn't suit me so well in my twenties. I learned to be careful with my heart, and to guard it with everything I have because it is my most precious possession. I accomplished the impossible: I completed all my courses and exams without dropping dead from the stress. I accomplished my number one goal when I set out to come here: build strong, healthy relationships with other Christians. And I felt free...to turn my life around, to continue growing in my relationship with God, to stretch myself in all new directions.

I think my heart is heaviest because I know that I will never again be sitting here in this moment, on the brink of Christmas break after completing my first semester of college. I will never be in this place in my life again. Part of me is so glad. There are still so many things I need to change as far as my attitude and actions are concerned...and even aspects of my character. I honestly want to be a better person, sometimes it's just really hard to kick the old habits and just be...nice. But part of me is incredibly sad. It will never again be these people in these rooms with these relationships and this dynamic again. The question is, are we losing something amazing right here, right now, or are we moving onto something even better that we couldn't imagine if we tried?

As I type, there are people in the hallway crying and hugging and saying good-byes, and every time a new person decides to leave (about every three minutes) I jump up and join in.

I began this blog in some feeble attempt to express what I'm feeling and hopefully release this feeling of tightness I feel all over me. I can't get rid of it. Maybe when I go home it'll feel a little better, but for now all I can do is look around and see the emptiness of where all those who complete my life should be.