If Ever, Now Is the Time

1. Revelation of the week: Jesus saved me. I called, He answered, He rescued me. And long before I called, He called me out of the dirty cesspools of the earth to be perfect in His sight. That mistake I made five years ago? He saved me from the need for it before I made the decision to ruin a piece of my life forever, and then saved me from the guilt and shame afterwards. He did the same with every mistake since, and will continue to do the same for every poor choice I will ever make for the rest of my life. If I come up against a situation tomorrow, it amazes me that I can take a step back, assess, and realize that I am not a slave to those wants or selfish desires because He already saved me from them. I get this picture of me laying in this puddle of mud, looking longingly into the muck around me as if it is both everything I want and everything I hate within myself, and He is standing over me just holding out His hand and waiting to lift me out. I am not in too deep. I never have been. Before the creation of the universe, He had already predetermined to save me from the temptation to sin that I will face tomorrow, and hopefully by His grace I will succeed in holding on to this knowledge.
2. More than a month into the school year now, I am trying to re-evaluate how successful I have been in attaining the goals I set out to accomplish. Honestly, I feel like a failure. I haven't done anything wrong, but I still feel as though the weight of expectation is crushing me and I cannot just be myself. I can no longer just be. I either sit very close to the line because otherwise I would need to be a hermit, or I plant myself far away from the line and get burned by those who are supposed to be my allies. Sometimes I still ask myself why I haven't given up yet. I am appreciating this time of reflection and being free from certain tendencies that only lead to self-destruction, but I am beginning to feel smothered. I am either doing what is technically right but still feeling guilt (and I cannot tell if it is false guilt or the good kind designed to lead me to repentance) or doing what the letter says is right and feeling alone. I know I can press through if I just try hard enough, but at what point does sheer will fail me and leave me a heap of regret on the floor?
3. This weekend is a four day holiday for me (Thanksgiving on Monday and no class Tuesday), so I am using it to catch up on all my schoolwork and prepare for the coming week. I just need to press on, get down to the nitty-gritty, and realize that procrastination will only hurt me in the long run.
4. I don't have time, and it's not on my list of 100 books to read because I already have, but I am going to start reading Gone with the Wind again. I will not become her. I will not make her mistakes.
5. It is raining hard outside, the wind is blowing up a gale, and it is surprisingly warm for the middle of the night. All this to say, it is again the middle of the night. Old habits die hard. It looks like this may be another semester that is consistently visited by the A.M. fairy. What I wouldn't give to feel most invigorated and alive at 3 in the P.M. instead of the A.M.

I'm hopelessly lost without You.